arsrm Registered User
Posts: 4
(1/28/01 1:07 am) Reply
jose the international pimp pt. 1
As many people knew, Jose was an international pimp, atleast thats what he thought and he thought eveybody knew after he had two beers. He did after all have a low tolerance three beers and he was the most desirable man on earth. One beer, well he was just a pimp daddy extradinionar. No alchohol at all and well he was just a regular man without his super hero uniform. Four beers and well he was usually passed out on a barstool, couch, gutter, bathtub or whatever device that would make due for a bed until he could walk again.
As most people know international pimps have very few friends. But thats just because they keep the company of whatever woman they have grace there presence. Jose usually had women grace his presence for about twenty minutes until they had to run to the bathroom for what jose thought seemed to be a massive attack of stomach unsettlement since they very rarely returned, If it wasn't a problem with the indigestion system that was keeping them from returning to his godly glory then they were most likely in the bathroom fainting from his what he called, "suaveness."
Jose was after all very suave, he was beyond the, "hey baby whats your sign?" That was as he thought for men left in the seventies. He was if nothing else left in his own time. SOmething similiar to the eighties coke filled excess mixed with what to any passing observer, would best be described as uniqueness. And that uniqueness was what made him so spectactular. Nothing to him beat pink velour shirts and black pants that were so tight that no women could help checking out his derrriere, which he thought was quite erotic. As a matter of fact when a women that he was planning on putting the moves on was behind him at the bar he would intentially bend to place that third drink order with legs far from the bar in an attempt, to make the women swoon. ANd by god they swooned over him to his hearts delight. two three womens numbers a night and by god his booty call for the week was fulfilled. The only problem he found was that the mysterious 555 prefix that followed most of the numbers seemed to use a very unreliable phone company, and this distraught him. Well distarught him as much as could be expected from a man like he who never ran out of women.
Jose had a firm belief that masterbation was critical in the getting of women. He also was disallosioned enough to confuse this with actual sex. As he told the guys that he recognixed from previous nights,. "never go out with a loaded gun." He had learned that witty quip from a movie that had sparked his interest. And it seemed to work. Because the guys he mentioned it to always laughed as they headed back to there tables. And of course this brought the intrigued interest of all the beautiful womern who happened to see him bring laughter of these other guys, making him the most desirable of them all.
Week in and week out Jose got numbers from women, who as he thought probably didn't know that their lack of calls was due to a phone company of deplorable standards, he also got his share of drinks poured over his slicked back hair, and velour or silk shirts. And if the women was either blind or drunk enough a slap in the face. These women obviosly had no idea what a real man was.
Somehow jose's disallusion grew, and his social repotiore grew more and more to what ever extreme that people viewed it.
One particular week, the week after Jose had been in a fight for hitting on a women whose rather large boyfriend, didn't appreciate the fact that a. he pushed his way between them to talk to her and offer to buy her a glass of boones farm wine. b. Said and we quote to her "baby with a body like that clothes are a crime on you and I'm going to have to handcuff and use my nightstick on you." after she had declined his drink offer, and c. said and we quote again after she said that's my boyfrend. "Baby He obviously has nothing to offer that I couldn't give you a million times better, and you know you would love it." The only positive thing that came out of this was the fact that if he hadn't been knocked unconscience by the boyfriend he would of passed out at the bar since he was almost halfway threw his fourth beer.
But the next week he was at another bar, one that seemed to be empty of what he jokingly told one guy of, "bitches." They were either with some loser or obvious losers themselves. Jose had no time for losers. He was about ready to hop in his van or "the love machine" as it had been called since he bought it from his dad ten years ago for twelve hundred dollars. But make no mistake the van had been fixed up to impeccable standards since then. The backseats had been replaced with a waterbed, the stereo had been replaced by a 100 amp tape deck with an antannea that could pick up any station within a hundred miles, it had been painted a nice color of red with a mural of some space scene with a unicorn flying through space under a rainbow on one side and the tire cover on the back had the intellectual statement "If this van's a rocking don't come a knocking on it.": Other then the bumber stickers, "honk if your not wearing panties," "0 to badass in four seconds," and "this car breaks for babes." There was no denying the fact that him and the car were definately on the top of all womens want list.
ANyhow this particular bitchless bar was beginning to work his vibe the wong way as he finished his first beer he stood alone at the bar, ass pertruding out of habit, amongst a bunch of classless guys. When he heard the words, "can i buy you a glass of boone's?" and simultanoesly felt the caress of what could only be a womens hand on his black tight pants.
"No thats a womens drink, but you can get me another bottle of this two dog." He replied as he turned to face the voice. He turned to see not an ugly women, not a classless women, but the ideal women of every mans sexual desire. Long brown hair, slightly curly, golden eyes, flawless face, lips that you would sacrifice yourself to kiss once, in a body that was long slim and filled out in all the right places. Dressed in a fashion that Jose had noticed was becoming popular. Black strectch pants, sleeveless and backless shirt of some flimsy metallic material, that showed off her smooth tanned flawless shoulder, arms and back. For once Jose didn't have time to say "come here often?" instead he said and we quote again, "ahh umm uhhh you pretty." she laughed and he got a hard on. Which he hid by pulling himself closely to the bar. No longer showing his ass to any other women in the bar.
"What i meant to say was, do you come her often?"
"No, i don't get out much, so i'm not very good at these bar games, are you?"
"Oh god yeah, show the women a gold necklace some chest hair and tell them that you got a job pulling thirty k a year and they are putty in your hands."
"Really?, would you of talked to someone like me?" she asked as she pointed a manicured fnger at herself with what were really questioning eyes.
"In a place like this i would of in a second, in some of the other places i go I might have gotten around to it after awhile, you got to play the field you know."
"Oh"
"I mean not to say that your not hot because you are its just you know some women just want it more." he said nodding his head a good five or six times with a half smile. As a sidenote have you ever said the previous sentence and followed it with five or six nods of the head without laughing at yourself? Jose did.
"Want what?"
"IT baby it."
"It?"
"oh my you don't know what it is?"
"I guess not so what is it?"
"It is the natural thing that we all do, the nasty the act of passion, the the the making love..." As Jose finished this he realized he could teach this woman a thing or two, and leave her in the morinng, and back to the field in the moring.
Ohhhh, IT. I want it, I just don't annouce it that much."
"Baby all the classy women announce it thats how they get a man like me."
"Oh."
Their drinks arrived, Jose started his second and was on a whole new level, one beer had brought the women to there knees atleast this women. THis beer was going to make him a god.
Hey, why don't we, what was your name again?"
"Vanessa"
"Vanessa, why don't we go get a booth and talk where its a little more quiet?"
"ok."
They found a booth sat next to each other and enjoyed what could of actually counted as a conversation in many peoples lives, until their drinks were finished.
"Should i go get us some more drinks, Jose?" she asked.
"I got a better idea why don't we head to my car and find something else to do?"
"ok"
When they made it to the car they wondered where to go, vanessa offered a twenty four hour coffee shop, which was rejected by Jose since coffee was for bookworms. He counter offered with a "wild" idea to go to a spot where they could park the car and talk. but the idea of wild got Vanessa's blood flowing.
"If you want to do something really wild lets fly to the bahamas and see where the wind takes us. How much money do you have? I've got three hundred dollars."
Jose said that he had six hundred and after a bit of hasseling from Vanessa they were on there way to the airport to as he best could figure out to make love on an abanded beach in some warm tropical climate. Which he decided was worth the gas to the airport and the plane tickets.
FIve hours later the two were walking onto a runway in the early morning air of a tropical beach. THe wind was blowing the salty air swiftly through the palm trees.
So," Jose offered, "should we get a hotel room."
"No lets go buy some beers and find an empty beach."
Since jose was ready to get naked he was up for anything and within the hour they were sitting in the dark of some beach talking about the sunrise that was to come in a few hours. A bit later the twelve pack was half empty and Jose was passed out in the sand that due to high tide was getting increasingly more wet around him.
Vanessa however was meeting a friend who owned a house on the island, with an extra couple hundred dollars in her pocket. As she walked into his house he asked how she got there since when he talked to her earlier that day she was broke.
"Oh played stupid, got some fool to pay my way over."
"Jesus girl, giving head for a plane ticket again I see."
"Actually i didn't even have to take my top off before this pathetic creature was passed out in the sand."
"Really, oh well glad to see you honey." He went to kiss her and soon they were asleep naked on his bed sleeping away the morning and early afternoon.
As a matter of fact about the time they were fixing a light lunch, Jose was waking up realizing that a. he had a bad headache from the total of five drinks the previous night. b, he was alone. c, he was somewhere that did not look like his usual alley and d. he seemed to be missing his wallet, gold chains, and even his lucky lighter that he used for lighting some lucky ladies cigarettes. After realising all of that he threw up in the sand where he was lying and fell back asleep until he was awoken by kids kicking sand on him to see if he was alive or had been washed ashore in the night.
a note to readers: andy has an aversion to all things grammatical . he's "beat" like that. so don't feel like you need to correct any of it; i'm not....hehe.
i don't have time to read through all this right now. i'm growing sleepy. but i'll get to it soon for sure.
~fygmynt
"type slowly." ~ stephen malkmus
arsrm Registered User
Posts: 5
(1/28/01 1:07 pm) Reply
grammar?
grammar is that what rednecks call their parents mother? other then that yeah...
"something spiffy at the end does make you leave with a smile." bojock johannivich
jedijetboy Registered User
Posts: 30
(1/28/01 4:20 pm) Reply
reply
You've got an unconventional syle and spastic voice, most notably envidenced by the "we" use, and the "list's" I think the grammar and comma deletion is also providing a "crazyness" to the piece, but you'll want to clean that up some what. (get me, lectuting on grammar and spelling ) (Am i that bad though? Just curious.) Anyway, just some general statments here: Maybe get to the bar scene sooner, and use more action instead of general descriptions. You know, that old rule, show don't tell. Of course, don't go overboard with this principle (I think doing so would loose some of the piece's 'oddness') but just some. For example, where you talk about his wanking off, why not start the story with a scene where he's wanking and pretending to make love with a women, then he's congradulaing himself afterward on what a fine lover he is or something. A scene like that might set up the character nicely, where we get to *see* him just sort of being a self absorbed pimp. Then he drives off in his "love mobile" and neighbors glare at it; here you could put in the descriptions of it, etc. Of course, these are just suggestions. ALong those same lines, watch for word economy. Try to refraine from useing the same word twice in a sentence as much as you can. But then again, that's adding to the quirkiness and unique voice of the story, so maybe never mind about that. This is an interesting story, and I'm intrigued to find out what happens next. As a side note, the idea of the guy who thinks of himself as a supper stud, and then gets taken advanage of and robbed, is a little cliche I think, however him on the beach was nice. I hesitate to say it because I don't know where the story's going to go, but, yeah. hmmmm. There's plenty of praise I could give this piece too, but that would be being nice, and I'm just a mean person.
.....I'm trying to think of a nicer way to end this post...
Well, you don't really know me, so I guess you should know that I'm not particularily a smart person, and up until you had the worst grammar and spelling of any one, so consider that along with my remarks.
Oh, Hemmingway and Fitzgerald are two famous authors who couldn't spell worth a damn (probably because they were drunk all the time) so don't get too down about that.
arsrm Registered User
Posts: 6
(1/28/01 11:29 pm) Reply
hehe
well jedi for being a mean person you probably gave me two of the best pieces of advice as far as writing in this piece i could of expected. the explicit love making scenee and the driving off, it would of added quiet a bit.
oh as for the drunkness of fitzgareld and hemingway, well should i say that this was one of those nights i must write cause i just got back from a bar pieces.
Re: jose the international pimp pt. 1
ha...i'm not even gonna try to untangle this. funny stuff, though.
-"555 prefix" haha
-i don't think "distraught" can be a verb...perhaps i'm wrong...
-ahaha "masturbation was critical"
-this story is totally quixotic...as far as the disillusion stuff goes
-"the intellectual statement 'If this van's a rocking don't come a knocking on it.'" ha...the stickers are great too
-"lips that you would sacrifice yourself to kiss once" nice
-"she laughed and he got a hard on." ahahaha...best sentence of the story
-"nodding his head a good five or six times with a half smile." ha...i can see it. that paragraph's hilarious....informal as all get out, but funny
-"he was awaken by kids kicking sand on him" ha...
. he's "beat" like that. so don't feel like you need to correct any of it; i'm not....hehe.
) (Am i that bad though? Just curious.) Anyway, just some general statments here: Maybe get to the bar scene sooner, and use more action instead of general descriptions. You know, that old rule, show don't tell. Of course, don't go overboard with this principle (I think doing so would loose some of the piece's 'oddness') but just some. For example, where you talk about his wanking off, why not start the story with a scene where he's wanking and pretending to make love with a women, then he's congradulaing himself afterward on what a fine lover he is or something. A scene like that might set up the character nicely, where we get to *see* him just sort of being a self absorbed pimp. Then he drives off in his "love mobile" and neighbors glare at it; here you could put in the descriptions of it, etc. Of course, these are just suggestions. ALong those same lines, watch for word economy. Try to refraine from useing the same word twice in a sentence as much as you can. But then again, that's adding to the quirkiness and unique voice of the story, so maybe never mind about that. This is an interesting story, and I'm intrigued to find out what happens next. As a side note, the idea of the guy who thinks of himself as a supper stud, and then gets taken advanage of and robbed, is a little cliche I think, however him on the beach was nice. I hesitate to say it because I don't know where the story's going to go, but, yeah. hmmmm. There's plenty of praise I could give this piece too, but that would be being nice, and I'm just a mean person. 
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