Hermanos Gator El Quapo, humble fisherman, one of the first victims of The Squeam's summer rampage in 1989. The ancient Mexican trick of wearing two hats under a raincoat hood to protect against evil spirits proved useless against the horrific powers of The Squeam, dashing the hopes of many.
Having vanished under mysterious circumstances commonly attributed to The Squeam, Kansas City joined the ranks of other prestigious victims such as Atlantis, El Dorado, and the planet Venus. Some still hold on hope for the return of Missouri's finest metropolis, despite the best urgings of their local congressman.
Driven to extinction by the insidious forces of The Squeam, the butterfly subspecies papilionaceous malachi is now lost to the winds of time, never to be returned to us. The last remaining dead specimens of the victims can be seen in the open collection of famed etymologist Elmer Vladiszcoppili, refugee from the Hungarian invasion of The Squeam's armies.
The four brothers Gaspechu, Ethan, Marcus, Luke, and The Ugly One, rode off in a wheelbarrow to heroically pursue their captured sister in an attempt to bring her back to safety. The Squeam was waiting for them outside the city gates with their missing sibling, and in a rare show of honour, offered her to them. They joyfully accepted, and were about to ride home victoriously when The Squeam pounced upon the brothers, dug out their insides with a wooden spoon, and then ate their organs on rye bread. All except for the sister, who went mad from terror and eventually became a warrior pornstar nun. Sad story, really.
Rest in peace, Bambi's Mom, rest in peace.
One of the few surviving members of the Justice Eleven (whom were largely decimated in their final encounter with The Squeam in 1978), Captain Tobor eventually found himself launched into a deadly struggle with those forces of evil on which The Squeam had an iron hold, culminating in an apocalyptic battle near Mount Rushmore. He died there, having beaten The Squeam to a near-standstill, his death murmurs largely consisting of saying "stylish marriage, can't afford a carriage" in a sing-song voice over and over. He is buried alongside his creator in Rosalyn Field, just outside of the memorial to his fallen comrades.
Nurse Ethervelt, widow, is pictured here lovingly caresssing the skeleton of her husband, Niles Ethervelt, who died under strange circumstances related to The Squeam's push towards the East Coast during the late 60s. His bones were all that remained of him, but even now they provide the leading strategists of today with subtle clues towards The Squeam's tactics, getting us closer to that glorious time when we can finally defeat this menace once and for all.
Richard Nixon, disgraced former President Of The United States, was killed for the second time in his existence during The Squeam's latterday invasion of Hell and it's surrounding environs. Having already died, his demise was relatively painless, though the surrounding angels apparently took great pleasure in his whimpers. "Yeah, we know we should turn the other cheek and shit, like The Man preacheth uptown," said archangel Michael, "but, brotha, this guy put the 'eeee' in evil. We fucking hate his ass for what he did down below, and he had BETTA pay for THAT, word!" Nixon was not available for comment at the time, seeing as he was scheduled for his regular underwater aerobics class in the Lake Of Fire, where the flesh of sinners is ripped from their earthly frame again and again in searing blasts of pain and suffering.
The nill-capitalist social philisophy of Communism was recently erased by The Squeam from the minds of men, a loss which only hippies and peaceniks mourned for. You ain't a hippie, are yah, boy? Goooood.
Rainbows, delight of children everywhere, were recently captured by The Squeam in it's efforts to use them as a cheap dream-fuel for it's nefarious deeds. A select group of U.N negotiators are even now attempting to diplomatically solve the impasse, but most doubt whether the rainbows will ever be returned to us. Homosexuals everywhere, having lost their primary symbol, are even now turning towards alternate options such as circles, octagons, or the currently popular Canadian flag.
There are countless Victims Of The Squeam, many remain unknown, their very identities destroyed by the strange forces which warp the very reality of our existence. Those we can identify shall be remembered here, saluted to, and eventually buried beneath the soil. All patriots should be ready with wooden stake, garlic, or silver bullet in case the victims rise again in the form of vampires, or, as is always possible, Irishmen.
In any case, you are warned. These battles are not for the wary, not for the fearfull, and above all, not for the squeamish....
Edited by: The Ray at: 7/23/02 3:10:42 pm
Seeing as nobody's attending this funeral, you lot'll never get to hear the sad tale of homosexual superteam Purple Freedom League and their devastating final battle with The Squeam, or the humorous tidbit concerning the Unknown Parrot and his heroic death defending a baby from the murderous attack hordes of zombie Squeam pigeons invading Central Park. Your hearts will never thrill to the brave recountings of General Simon C. Kinneally and the vast army of men he led in '76, never beat with rapidity at the fearsome mentioning of Boo-Yah Tickles and his horrific clown antics, never sympathize with Leslie Six, pyschedelic time traveller from beyond the stars.
Bambi's Mom died in vain, you ungrateful mob of degenerate bastard-sons.
Edited by: The Ray at: 8/18/02 12:37:24 am
And the "moo" in "mourn". Re-released! Leslie Six, pictured below meeting herself, knew the rumours all along. The sexuality of public figures is a matter of historical record in the far away future, and she makes sure to always do her homework before each mission. Why, she even knows how many times you'll have sex before you die, Old Toby. And with whom. But all she's willing to say is you never, ever get to make the sweet love with this gal. Tough break, she said, then reversed her quantum-temporal matrix and vanished into the continuum splitways. Tough break.
[Cosmic Editing Note : As the result of her direct involvment in the twelve-issue "Crossover On And Around Infinite Earths", Leslie Six has had her basic continuity reverted to an origin state. After twice perishing at the hands of the Anti-Squeam, she was ressurected through an entropy loophole therefore accounting for her lack of sunglasses in this revised universe. Leslie thanks all her fans for getting her through this rough time and would like to dedicate her newest incarnation to the final sacrifice made by Captain Fabulous, last remaining member of the P.L.F and a close personal friend of Miss Six. If you'd like to view the now out-of-continuity version of Leslie Six's first meeting with herself, revert your basic temporal beacons to a flatline setting and click here.]Edited by: The Ray at: 8/29/02 9:55:51 pm
Victims Of The Squeam
Mourn your dead, monkeyfuckers! Mourn 'em!
And the "moo" in "mourn". Re-released!
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