The Song of the Harry Potter-ess
So, how did this all begin?
One night, around 2 in the morning, we were sitting around discussing random things. There was probably some sugar or perhaps alchol involved. We must have been talking about fanfiction and the like, because we started to wonder what would happen if we combined the plot from Song of the Lioness, the setting from Harry Potter, a good dose of Simpson's quotes and our own random sense of humour. The result was The Song of the Harry Potter-ess.
Weeks later, we were re-reading and laughing at our story, and suddenly had an idea. What would happen if we turned our story into a roleplay game? At first we laughed, but as we thought about it, it made more and more sense. And so, Hogwarts School of the Brave and the Ignorant was born.
What follows is the original Song of the Harry Potter-ess story. It's amusing reading, and may give you some background into the world we created. Enjoy!
Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Alanna. She liked peanuts. She had reddish-black hair, purplish-green eyes, pink skin and no overbite. And, like most Homo sapiens, she had opposable thumbs.
Anyway, one day she and her identical twin brother Thom, whom was identical to Alanna, were frolicking in the sands, when two large spotted owls each dropped a burlap sack of letters on the twins.
Alanna: Bill, bill, post card from Aunty Gladys, Give to the Blind, Give to the deaf, Give to the Whales? Oh! 20% off at Gap of Rohan! Oh look, I’ve been accepted into the Royal Walrus watching Academy in Antarctica.
Thom: Oh, you got lucky. That’s my life long dream.
Alanna: Your life long dream was to found a preppy pop group and release a number one hit single, and you did that last summer!
Thom: I can have two life long dreams if I want! Anyway, all I got accepted into is the Hogwarts School of the endless saga where something unbelievable happens every year and it makes you wanna puke Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Alanna: Hey! That’s my life long dream you’re talking about!
Thom: Your life long dream was to go to Hogwarts……… ok, so it is your life long dream. But what are we going to do about it?
Alanna: Well, let’s think about this. You want what I’ve been offered and I want what you’ve been offered. We’re identical twins and no one can tell us apart. And we have a father who is completely not going to check that we arrived safely at our destination. Hmm.
Thom: I’ve got it! In the middle of the night, you and me creep up behind them and hit them over the head with a baseball bat!
Alanna: Here’s a better idea: We’ll switch places. You go to the Walrus Academy, and I’ll disguise myself as a boy and become the first female wizard!
Thom: Alanna, you do realise they take witches too.
Alanna: Yup! The First Female Wizard.
Thom: Fine. We can use baseball bats to draft new letters!
Re: The Song of the Harry Potter-ess
Bright and early the next morning, Alanna woke with the smell of steaming hot puke in the air. Thom had been drinking, and the results were all over her face.
Thom was next to her, picking through the remains.
Thom: Hmm, I didn’t eat any carrots.
Alanna: Thom, hurry up. Clean this up, then lets get moving.
The pair went their separate ways, Thom to clean the room and Alanna to shower under a puddle of mud. When they met up again to draft new letters, Thom had a baseball bat.
Alanna: No baseball bats.
They rewrote their letters without baseball bats, and then gave their farewells. Thom began to sing:
Thom: So long, farewell, adweidersehn adure!
Alanna: Bugger off.
Before long, Alanna was skipping along to Hogwarts School of the only place where Lord Vulgarshorts ever tries to get to Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hanging outside the main building was a sign that said:
Hogwarts School of the Brave and Ignorant: 4 days without a murder!
As Alanna watched, the sign re-set itself to 0.
She skipped gaily in through the front doors, waving to the Giant Octopus before slipping in a puddle of blood. Picking herself up and dusting herself off, she came face to face with a man with bloodstains on his hands and a rusty hook in his hand.
Dork-o: You didn’t see nufin!
And he slunk back into the shadows.
A few moments later, Alanna was found by an elderly, turtle-like professor named McGarnicle.
McGarnicle: Are you a first year, boy?
Alanna looked behind her, and suddenly remembered, that for all intensive purposes, she was now a boy. Attempting a deep voice, she said:
Alanna: Yes, yes my pet.
McGarnicle: Well come along, it’s time for you to get slaughtered.
Alanna: Slaughtered?
McGarnicle: Did I say slaughtered? I meant sorted. By the slaughtering hat!
Alanna: Okay………
McGarnicle: I just need your name.
Alanna: Oh, I’ve got a name. And it’s a boys name too. My name is……… is……… Alan. Potter.
McGarnicle: Right, follow me to the grating hall. Don’t worry. It’s not really a hall. It’s more like a giant room that allows students to slowly sift through.
And with that they headed off to the Great Hall to begin Alanna’s life as a boy.
Re: The Song of the Harry Potter-ess
The students of Hogwarts school of murder capital of the world witchcraft and wizardry were sorted into 4 houses: Grinding-Floor, Have-A-Puff, Rvanelacw and Slimy-Things. Each of the houses had different attributes, as reiterated in the song sung by the Hogwarts Piece of C**p……… The song was different every year, and this year it went something like:
Oh you may think I am petty
But please judge me on what you see
I’ll eat myself if you can find
A glass of herbal tea
You can keep you pancrease black
Your monorail big and tall
For I’m the Hogwarts magical Piece of C**p (magical)
And I can snap em all
There’s nothing hidden in your head
That this stupid hat can see
So try me on and I’ll tell you
Where you ought to be
You might belong on the Grinding Floor
Where dwell those with serious thrill issues
Their daring nerve and chicken coop
Sets the Grinding Floor apart
You might belong in Have-A-Puff
Where they’re just as stoned
Those high old Have-A-Puffs are true
And unafraid of stuff
Or yet in wise old, old, old, OLD, Rvanelacw
If you’ve a ready behind
Where those who quit at learnding
Won’t always be as kind.
Or perhaps in Slimy Things
Where you’ll make real friends
Those cutting forks use only beans
To achieve their murders
So put me on and be afraid
Don’t you touch my flap
I’m on your head so be afraid
Cos I’m the Piece of C**p
When the song ended, someone coughed, and there was a lot of muttering along the lines of
Students: This song gets worse every year!
Hogwarts Piece of C**p: Well, what do you expect? I’m a bewitched turd, for crying out loud!
And so the first year students were sorted. Alanna was sorted onto the Grinding-Floor (surprise, surprise!). The problem with this, is the Grinding-Floor, being a tower, was actually more like a pepper grinder. So as the students slept, some of them would fall through the holes and be crushed into a fine paste which was then fed to the centaurs and Hagrid. You had to have more than a little luck to survive a night on the Grinding-Floor. After one night, Alanna moved into the Have-A-Puff dormitory. She liked it there because it was full of Hippies.
But that’s getting off the subject. Back to the Feast. Just then it was time for Headmaster Subla Needlessgore’s start of term speech (ramble). A giant TV screen sunk from the ceiling, with a picture of Needlessgore on it. He had long white hair, a surgical mask, and tissue boxes on his feet. He began his speech thusly:
Needlessgore: GERMS! Strike you at every turning point! GERMS!
He pointed at his surveillance cameras showing the children.
Needlessgore: You’re all covered in them! Agghh! This speech is over!
And the screen went blank.
The new students looked at each other, while the old students comments that that was almost logical for Needlessgore. Most of his speech had been muffled by his surgical mask.
The students then ate their somewhat delicious dinner, and toddled off to bed. The new students played the game of trying to count Needlessgore’s surveillance cameras. After that, they went to bed to prepare for the coming day’s lessons.
Re: The Song of the Harry Potter-ess
Bright and early the next morning, the first year children woke. The Grinding-Floor students had had a significant reduction in numbers, but other than that most people seemed happy. They trooped down to the Grating Hall for breakfast and then split into groups for their lessons.
The first lesson was Cockney Cooking with Professor Snrub. The group of students walked cheerfully into the dungeons (believe me, they look no worse than the Grinding-Floor). The Cooking Dungeon was tastefully decorated with large pink bows and doilies. The whole effect was rather nauseating, to the point where several Rvanelacw’s felt the need to leave.
Snrub: Hellooooooooo children! An’ welc’m to Cockney Cookin’, yeah? ‘ere, yer t’ learn the su’le science o’ Cockney Cookin’, righ’?. I don’ ‘spect ye t’ ge’ the goodness, righ’, o a buzzin’ food processor wiv it’s intoxica’in’ fumes, yeah? An’ th’ delicet power hidden wivin these ‘ere doilies. I can’ teach ya much, righ’? Bu’ I can tell ya how ta baste a chick’n in less ‘n five secon’s, yeah? If yer no’ a load a stupid gits like they us’ly give me, righ’?
(Translation: Hello children. Welcome to your cooking lesson. Here you will learn how to cook. I don’t expect you to enjoy cooking. I like my decorations. I know how to cook chicken quickly. Needlessgore keeps enrolling stupid people at this school.)
It was interesting to note, however, that this class was the only place in which Snrub had a cockney accent. All the rest of the time he spoke in a deep guttural voice with a severe lisp. It interested many people how he was able to drop it upon entering his dungeon. It must have had something to do with the decor.
Snrub: A’righ’, now firs’ thing we’re gon’ ta do righ’? Is cook Eggs Alla Carla, yeah? So what ya do, righ’, ya get some ‘a these ‘ere eggs, righ’, and ya crack ‘em open into ya ting. ‘S gotta be ‘wave safe, mind. Then, ya stir ‘em ‘roun’ a bit, righ’, an’ then ya nuke ‘em for like 2 minutes or som’in. Pu’ it on a nice pla’e an’ top it off wiv a bi’ a bread an’ some toma’o sauce. An’ wallah! Ya go’ yaself some top class Brunch!
(Translation: Today, we are going to cook eggs in the microwave. Get some eggs and put them in a bowl. Stir. Place them in the microwave and cook for two minutes. Put the eggs on a plate with bread and tomato sauce. You have now made a Brunch.)
((A/N: Do not attempt this recipe, unless you have a death wish. It does not turn out well. Trust me, I know. ~DrSnrubs))
3 hours later, the students filed out. All were slightly blackened, and covered in bits of egg and microwave. One student was missing an ear, but on the whole, they had enjoyed themselves.
The next lesson, after an uneventful lunch, was Divination with Proffessor Tetnus. This was the first time the subject had been taught to first years, but Tetnus proceeded unperturbed.
Tetnus: Now my name is Professor Tetnus, which is spelt T E T N U S, but if you can’t spell it that’s ok but I’d really like you to learn how to spell my name before the end of the year so you can write it on the top of the exam paper so that we can mark them quicker and hand them back to you so it really is very important that learn my name but don’t worry if you don’t learn it right away because the exams aren’t until the end of the year so you have plenty of time but make sure you do learn it eventually because it makes it much easier for all of the teachers and I’m sure you’ll all want to know your marks quickly so if we can at least sort them into class groups it’ll be quicker so you need to know my name by then but for now don’t worry too much about it for now. Ok?
(Translation: My name is Professor Tetnus.)
Tetnus: Now we are going to take some notes today so you will need a pot of black ink so could you please take that out now it’s alright if it’s not black ink you can use blue if you’d like but please make sure it’s a nice dark colour that will stand out against the page because it means you can see it easier so you can read it and there is no point in taking notes if you can’t read it so if you only have yellow ink maybe you could borrow some ink off the person next to you but please don’t ask them yet because I am talking at the moment and it’s very rude to talk when the professor is talking even if you are just asking for some black ink so you can write down what I am saying but don’t write down what I’m saying now, because I’m only talking about the lesson, I haven’t started the lesson yet but when I do please make sure you write things down in black ink or if you don’t have black ink another dark colour so we can learn what we need to. Ok?
(Translation: We are going to write notes.)
And it went on like this.
Lunchtime was when Alanna first really started socialising. There was another Grinding-Floor student staying in the same Have-A-Puff dormitory as her, a boy by the name of Gareth Naxen, or Gary and he preferred to be called. Finding themselves sitting at the same table during the free for all that was lunchtime in the Grating Hall, Alanna and Gary began to talk.
Gary: So you’re new here too? Where are you from?
Alanna: Dalgety.
Gary: It shows.
Alanna: What about you?
Gary: Oh, far, far away. You see…
Music had begun to well up in the background by this point, and Gary took a deep breath to prepare himself… Just then, a dark haired Slimy Things boy came up behind Gary and hit him on the back. Gary coughed and lost his breath, and the music died out. Alex explained:
Alex: He sings.
Alanna: Ah.
But despite this small mishap, the three boys hit it off famously. Gary and Alex were already friends, and welcomed Alanna into their group.
It wasn’t long before the bell rang, and the children were called to their next lesson, Dark Arts for Beginners. It was taught by a new professor, one who was avidly described as a ‘giant arsehole’. The old professor, who had actually been a very good teacher, had disappeared at the end of last year to pursue a career as James Bunt.
As the students entered the room, a foul odour over swept them. Before long, the realised the source of this funk was the ugly wrinkled man at the front of the room. Quickly, he popped a Tic Tac, and began the lesson.
Prick: Ok now this is MY classroom, so you all have to do what I say. But first, a little about myself. My name is Alfred Prick. I am a 37 year old white heterosexual man. I have travelled all over the world, but mostly to the places where the drug trade is blossoming. My interests are mineral prospecting and Thai prostitutes. I have never taught this subject before, but naturally I know everything so there won’t be any problems there.
(Translation: I am Professor Prick. I am a jerk.)
Suddenly Professor Prick stoped talking and looked at the silent class. There was a blonde girl sitting in the 2nd row. Prick pointed at her.
Prick: You. I don’t like the way you look. McGarnicle’s. Now.
(Translation: Once again, I am a jerk.)
As the ‘lesson’ continued, Prick relegated tales of snowboarding, Thai girls, and other EXTREEM things he had done. This was interspaced with yelling at selected female students and sending others to McGarnicle’s office. Frankly, it was a relief when the bell rang.
Dinner wasn’t quite as violent as lunch had been, as many people were tired, on detention, or had gone too far with a dare on the Grinding Floor. After they had eaten, Alex left the other two, claiming he had things to do. Alanna and Gary decided to go exploring after that, and started out in the north wing. After a little while of wandering the corridors, they heard a faint chanting.
Voices: Vul-ga-vul-ga-vul-ga-…..
The two boys followed the sound to try and discern where it came from. They passed several people wearing bubble-wrap jumpsuits, hurrying somewhere. Curious, Alanna and Gary followed. The chanting became louder.
Voices: VUL-GA-VUL-GA-VUL-GA!
Peering around a corner, Alanna and Gary saw a group of the people in bubble wrap jumpsuits running around in a circle, all chanting. As the pair watched, the group stopped, looked up, raised their hands in a V shape (the peace sign) and cried out as one.
Cult people: VULGARSHORTS!!!
Confused, Alanna and Gary crept back to the Have-A-Puff dormitory, and went to bed. This was certainly a mystery that they would work on in the morning!
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