Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 174
(3/7/06 4:28 pm) Reply
The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
STAR WARS
THE SILLY WARS
____________________________________________________________________________________
NEW AGE
Episode I
SON OF KASHYYYK
7 YEARS AFTER THE EPIC END OF THE NEO SILLY WARS, THE GALAXY IS STILL REBUILDING. WITH THE DEATH TOT AND THE SDSS DESTROYED, COUNT BOOBU AND BSPACE PRESUMED DEAD, AND MUCH OF EACH FLEET DEVASTATED BY BATTLE, A CEASEFIRE WAS CALLED. MEETING ON THE PLANET CAPITOL, ACKBAR III AGREED TO SURRENDER TO THE LSSF, BUT DARTH PUPPY AND SOME OF THE SILLY SITH WERE ABLE TO SLIP AWAY DURING NEGOTIATIONS.
THE LSSF, VICTORIOUS BUT VIRTUALLY CRIPPLED, AGREED TO LEAVE THE DSSF TO IT’S OWN DEVICES, AS LONG AS IT AGREES TO NOT REBUILD IT’S FLEET TO ANY SIGNIFICANT STRENGHT. AND SO EACH SIDE BEGAN TO RECOVER, AND IT WAS HOPED THAT THIS NEW PEACE WOULD LAST LONGER THAN THE ONE AGES AGO...
CHAPTER I: I’D SOONER KISS LUMPY
Lumparwarrump sat on a fallen wroshyyr tree. Even now that the ALSs (Automated Liquid Soakers) had drained almost all the sunkist in Kashyyyk, it would be many more years before the planet could be re-colonized. At least a 45% of the wookiee population died in the Sunkist Crusher’s attack, and the remaining wookiees had to be relocated on the nearby Alaris Prime. General Frug’drurr (or Fluffy, as many called him) walked to him, shutting off his PLS (Personal Liquid Soaker, a smaller version of the automated one) and sitting at Lumpy’s side.
FLUFFY: Grrr ruff wurgrrr sarrr thr aar nerrr - (for our reader’s convenience, we will translate the wookiee’s totally non-romantical language to Basic). - Commander Lumpawarrump, it will be a long time before we resettle, but everything is going to be okay. Alaris Prime will be keep us alive long enough to recover our world.
LUMPY: I know Fluffy, it’s just that... grrr ftrr fjr – (This sequence of growls was untranslatable by unknown reasons, perhaps it was a new dialect, or just that Lumparwarrump was drunk and started making meaningless growls – you don’t know how much a wookiee can drink). – Before Kashyyyk was full of life, and now, it is nothing more that an orange sunkist ball with apple pie rests on it, and I hate apple pies!
FLUFFY: Whatever you say, Lumpy. Just don’t be so upset. No one around wants to lose his arms.
LUMPY: This is all Dantee’s fault... I hope he is burning well burned on the drifting reamins of the SDSS!
FLUFFY I know. I understand you. But you are a Silly Jedi, you can’t let your emotions get rid of you.
LUMPY: Yes, yes. It’s just that all these wookiees did not deserve that.
Lumpy got up and returned to the Deathwookiee, a Firespray-class patrol and attack ship, customized and painted in a brown, fur-like pattern. He sat on the pilot chair, and started igniting the ship.
FLUFFY: Where are you going?
LUMPY: Elsewhere.
Lumpy ignited the engines, and flew away the planet, then stopped in mid-space to meditate. However, his meditations where soon interrupted by a troubled transmission.
UNKNOWN VOICE: Hello? HELLO? CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME? TO ANYONE RECIEVING THIS TRANSMISSION, THIS IS A DISTRESS CALL FROM ILEXIA. WE ARE UNDER – suddenly the transmission began to have interference, as the voice started to fade. – DROIDS..........PUNISH............ THEY ARE ALMOST HERE. WE CAN’T HOLD THEM MUCH LONGER! HELP! - some blaster shots are heard – AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LUMPY: Hello? HELLO!? CAN YOU RECIEVE ME!? – But it was over. Only a horrible, distorted noise could be heard. – This must be the work of The Punishment! I thought they left, never to return!
Lumpy did not waste a second and jumped to hyperspace. After 7 hours, he arrived to Jellyroad star system. Far away both DSSF and LSSF space, this system was almost abandoned, with the exception of some scout bases, and was only known to a few. The Jellyroad system contained four planets: Zharad I, a volcanic, mountainous ball of black rock, Zharad II, basically identical to Zharad I but three times bigger, Drivastis, a temperate planet, and Ilexia, a white ball of snow, far away from Diros, the primary star. The Deathwookiee flew over the skies of Ilexia, but a snowstorm prevented Lumpy from seeing any signs of civilization. He landed the Deathwookiee on a small valley surrounded by some mountains, where the snowstorm could not enter. He got out with a small bioscanner, and scanned the area in a 100 meter radius and, but the snowstorm outside the valley prevented it from revealing anything. He growled and started walking north, searching for something – anything – that could give him a clue of what happened there. Suddenly, he spotted a humanoid form not too far away. It was near a light, produced by a Pole Lighter Lumpy presumed. He carefully advanced to the form. Then the humanoid turned and spotted the wookiee.
SNOWTROOPER: HALT! WHO’S THERE? – It was a masculine voice, and sounded like if it came from inside a suit.
LUMPY: General Lumparwarrump, of the LSSF armada! - Lumpy, who was unnaturally capable of talking Basic, answered.
SNOWTROOPER: LSSF?
Suddenly the form started firing Lumpy with a blaster. Lumpy ignited his lightsaber and deflected the bolts to the form, wich, when hit, cried and fell to the ground, motionless. When the wookiee arrived at it, he discovered that it was in fact a Snowtrooper. But it did not bear the DSSF standard logo, instead, there was one Lumpy was unable to recognize. Under it, the initials I.D. where written in Aurebesh. Lumpy turned his lightsaber off and looked around, frowning. Even if it wasn’t the DSSF logo, who else commanded Snowtroopers in the Sillyverse? If the DSSF was on the run again, that meant they broke the ceasefire, and if that happened, the silly wars would break out once again! No, that was not possible. Count Boobu was dead. Who would lead them? Ackbar? The Silly Sith would have fought for leadership. And they are not so foolish. It was very odd. Lumpy spotted more lights. He ran. If the DSSF was here, he had no time to lose. Eventually, he found more Snowtroopers, however, this time he used his Silly Persuasion to bypass them, and hid from any patrols. After a while, he reached what looked like a big outpost. It was full of blaster shots, and recent ones, a battle occurred here not very long ago. The outpost beared the logotype of the Republic Deep Space Exploration Corps, but the entrance was full of Snowtroopers, AT-PTs and even two AT-STs. But why the DSSF wanted such a useless building (because the Republic Deep Space Exploration Corps were useless indeed, they couldn’t set to explore even a natural park); it had its own exploration corps, and what would they want? Steal some charts? It made no sense.
LUMPY: I can’t do this alone. They are too many. And if beat them, more would come. No, I need help.
Lumpy returned to the Deathwookiee. This time, however, knew how to evade the patrols, and the small journey back was uneventful. He entered, started the engines, and flew away of the ice planet.
Edited by: Dark Soul Warrior at: 3/12/06 1:53 pm
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 175
(3/7/06 5:46 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER II: AN ODD APPRENTICE
Meanwhile, in a planet far, far away, in Ossus, Dreagal Craandan was preparing for his first mission outside the Silly Jedi Academy. As an apprentice, Craandan was not going to have a dangerous mission, like tracking a renegade Silly Sith or something. In fact, Craandan was excited by the fact that his mission consisted on going to Ragazzi (home planet of the Interdictor-class tot pizza, considered the biggest, best-tasting pizza ever to be cooked in the galaxy), fetch an order for Master Kyle Bastardn and simply return before it got cold. While he was preparing for a hyperspace jump in his Z-95, a Firespray-class, brown painted starship appeared all of sudden also from hyperspace. Dreagal tried to communicate via comlink with the ship.
DREAGAL: This is Dreagal Craandan from Silly Jedi Academy. Introduce yourself at once! – He said, feeling like a super cop.
DREAGAL: Lumparwarrump!? The war veteran!? Hey, can you sign me an autograph??
LUMPY: What!?
DREAGAL: Oh nothing, it was just a momentary impulse. I apologize.
When the Deathwookiee landed, Lumparwarrump, who had, in fact, never been at the Silly Jedi Academy, was guided by Dreagal to the High Tater Council, which, after Bspace’s presumed death, was directed by a bunch of Force-sensitive Jawa clones, Master Erelannon Scottwalker and Kyle Bastardn. There, Lumpy told what he had seen at Ilexia. Craandan, who never lost a chance to stay and hear everything, took this opportunity, in which the Tater Council was too busy with Lumparwarrump to notice he was there.
LUMPY: I was thinking about entering, but it was too heavily guarded.
KYLE BASTARDN: And what do you suggest, Master Lumparwarrump?
LUMPY: I am proposing a small expeditionary force to be sent. Perhaps we can diplomatically solve this problem. After all, they agreed to the ceasefire, didn’t they?
JAWA CLONE: UTINNI! – A Jawa clone screamed – Steika ba! Do wazoota neenee!
LUMPY: Err; I didn’t understand that. Perhaps you can repeat it in Basic?
KYLE BASTARDN: He says that Craandan should hurry; we placed the Interdictor pizza order like one hour ago. – Bastardn was always calm. Some said he was wise. Others said he was on drugs. The fact is, even when he was extremely hungry, he was always calm.
DREAGAL: But, perhaps I can go on this mission! It would teach me far more than getting some pizza!
KYLE BASTARDN: What? Pizza is an important part of the Silly Force, apprentice. Especially Interdictor-class Tot Pizza. Nothing tastes so good. We think it’s because this is some sort of sentient pizza, which uses the Silly Force to greatly boost its taste.
DREAGAL: That’s ridiculous. Why would the pizza want to be eaten?
KYLE BASTARDN: Perhaps the taste is not to be eaten, but to attract female pizza?
LUMPY: Oh please. Can we focus on our mission? This apprentice will be enough. After all, we are searching for a peaceful resolution.
KYLE BASTARDN: Take him as a Padawan, you want, Master Lumparwarrump?
LUMPY: Hey, I never said that!
KYLE BASTARDN: So be it. Dreagal Craandan, meet your new master.
DREAGAL: Thanks so much master. I will not disappoint you!
LUMPY: But I don’t want a Padawan! You got to feed them, care of them, and teach them! It’s too much responsability!
KYLE BASTARDN: We are glad you understand each other. Depart on your mission you can. – As you probably seen, Bastardn loves to freakily imitate Yoda.
LUMPY: What!? Are you insane!? I DON’T WANT A PADAWAN!
DREAGAL: I’ll get the ship ready, master!
LUMPY: DO NOT CALL ME THAT, I’M NOT YOUR MASTER!
KYLE BASTARDN: Something more to say you have, Qui-G- Ahem, Lumparwarrump?
LUMPY: YES, I AM NOT HIS MASTER!
KYLE BASTARDN: Free to go you are now.
LUMPY: Oh my god. I need a cup of tea.
As the troubled wookiee walked out to the Deathwookiee, Craandan was finishing with the ship. Lumpy looked at him with consternation. The whole order was insane. That wouldn’t have happened with Bspace around. But that Bastardn and the other freaky hooded aliens we totally crazy.
DREAGAL: The engines are ready, master!
LUMPY: First, I’m not your master. Second, the engines we already ready, so I don’t want to imagine what you did to them. Now, get into the ship. We will go inmeatedly.
Edited by: Dark Soul Warrior at: 3/12/06 2:01 pm
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 179
(3/11/06 5:20 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER III: IMPERIAL DISSIDENTS
The Deathwookiee emerged from hyperspace to the Jellyroad system. As the starship was nearing to Ilexia, Craandan couldn’t stop asking the names of the planets, many times asking for the same planet repeatedly. Lumpy, who was more than tired of him, couldn’t stop thinking about food. After all, he had not eaten since far before he left Kashyyyk. The ship landed on the very same valley where Lumpy landed before. As they decended, the wookiee warned Dreagal to stay close and be very silent. After a short walk, they arrived to the spot where Lumparwarrump first saw the Snowtrooper, however, this time there was a big AT-ST patrolling. Obviously, they found the body, and redoubled their efforts. The AT-ST hadn’t spotted them yet.
LUMPY: Look Dreagal, this is the plan. I’ll distract the walker while you climb up there and Force Push that big rock on top of it. Okay?
DREAGAL: Oh, it will not be necessary master. I can beat it!
LUMPY: You? Are you insane? It would toast you before you can even – HEY! WAIT!
But Craandan was already running. He ignited his blue lightsaber and ran onto the AT-ST, which soon noticed him and his useless wild screams, and took an almost perfect shot at him. I would have been perfect, if Lumpy hadn’t pushed him away just in time. Lumpy also ignited his yellow-bladed lightsaber and prepared to deflect the next shot. However, the troopers were not stupid, and instead of using the blasters they shot a missile. Unfortunately for them, Lumpy was also expecting that, and used the Silly Force to re-direct the missile, which destroyed the walker’s cockpit.
LUMPY: Wow master, that was awesome!
DREAGAL: How many times I have to tell you that I’m not your master?
DREAGAL: Don’t worry master; it’s not your fault. All the other Silly Jedi at the academy tell me I have difficulty to learn.
LUMPY: It’s not something to learn, it’s just that you are not my padawan! Oh, forget it. Anyway, let’s keep moving. This way.
Using the same methods Lumpy used to return to the Deathwookiee, both Jedi managed to slip past all patrols in the area. Finally they arrived at the great door which was full of snowtroopers and AT-PTs before. Now, the number of troops nearly doubled.
LUMPY: We are approaching the main door. This time, Dreagal, we will be cautious!
DREAGAL: Oh master, are you going to bother me all day with that?
LUMPY: Have some respect for your master, you – oh, wait, I’m not even your master! Can you see how you are changing me and making me say things I don’t want to? You are going to turn me to the dark side of the silly force!
DREAGAL: What does this have to do with the dark side?
LUMPY: No idea. Let’s keep moving. Look! It’s like twice the soldiers than before on the door!
DREAGAL: That’s bad, isn’t it?
LUMPY: In fact, no. All these soldiers must come from somewhere. And the only place they can come from is from inside. So, once we are in, will have half less problems than the ones we would have if they weren’t at the entrance.
DREAGAL: I want to think that I understood that. But even if you are right, we will also have twice the problems to get in than the ones we would have if they again weren’t at the entrance.
LUMPY: The main door is surely not the only way inside. There must be windows or something.
DREAGAL: Wouldn’t they put alarms in the windows? I don’t think they are so foolish, are they.
LUMPY: Intruder alarms in a Exploration Corps facility? This is not a military outpost, or a jail. Why would scientists and scouts want anti-intruder alarms? They have no enemies!
DREAGAL: But then what brings the DSSF here?
LUMPY: That’s the question we seek to answer. Come on, we must search for some other way in.
Lumpy and Dreagal rounded the facility from some high snow hills, which mechanical walkers were incapable of climbing, and the lazy snowtroopers didn’t want to patrol, saying that “Who would want to lose his time on such a useless climb?” The snow was piled over the sides of the building, and soon both Lumparwarrump and Craandan found a big window just over the snow, and a small jump would be enough to get into it. An Imperial Engineer was looking to some controls inside.
LUMPY: Okay, here’s the plan, Dreagal. We break the window and storm in, silencing that DSSF engineer before he can shout and call his comrades.
DREAGAL: Just a question, master. Can’t the DSSF worker see us through the window too?
LUMPY: OH CRAP! I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT!
Lumpy quickly got his blaster and shot the window to break it and enter, but it was too late. The engineer was running to a lifter, and was soon going down. The Silly Jedi entered as the lifter went down.
LUMPY: DAMN IT! He’s going to tell everybody we are here!
DREAGAL: Perhaps…
LUMPY: What?
DREAGAL: Perhaps if we press the button before the lift arrives at the door, it will come back up here?
Lumpy just slapped himself before pressing the button. Soon the lift was up again, and the engineer, white at the sight of the Jedi.
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: How... how did you do that? – He asked scared.
LUMPY: We pressed the button so you came back here! – The wookiee, feeling great, majestically answered.
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: OH CRAP! I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT! DAMN IT! Now I can’t tell anybody you are here!
DREAGAL: How many times will I hear that line today?
LUMPY: You must always hear the two versions to get a clearer understanding of things. Anyway, back to you, DSSFer, what is the DSSF doing here? We agreed a ceasefire!
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: Well, in fact, we are not part of the DSSF anymore.
LUMPY: What?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: We are the Imperial Dissidents. Look, 7 years ago, at the Last Silly Fight, Capitol was attacked, as you probably know. The LSSF fleets and the infamous Death Tot started to lay destruction over our poor troops and ships. Not only the Super Duper Silly Star and two of our finest fleets were totally destroyed, but we also lost our leader, Colonel Dantee Cryvante, who died at the Death Tot.
LUMPY: YOU WERE PART OF DANTEE’S FLEET? THE SAME DANTEE THAT USED THE SUNKIST CRUSHER TO SUNKISTLY CRUSH MY HOMEPLANET?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: Well, Colonel left orders that if he died, we would avenge his death and fight endlessly to destroy the LSSF. When the ceasefire was agreed, we were divided in two: Obey the victorious LSSF or remain loyal to our deceased leader and destroy it. Dantee was secretly training another Silly Sith, who he called Darth Keep my Troops Loyal to my Deceased Memory and Destroy the LSSF if I die, or Darth KTLDMDD for short, or Darth Kodd as we nicknamed her. You know, the name he gave her was ridiculous, and almost meaningless, so we had to nickname her. She kept us united, and we abandoned the DSSF, because we couldn’t believe that it was surrendering. Now, we have sworn to fight the LSSF until it fell, and by our lord’s memory, we will make that happen!
DREAGAL: And what are you seeking here, in this lost snowball?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: Well, by the time of the Last Silly Fight, a droid army called the Grand Army of Punishment, or The Punishment for short, was our ally. However, after one of it’s ships blew up, they left us to our fate. Before we start our war, we will have revenge from them!
DREAGAL: But why you attacked this defenceless facility then?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: We found this planet to be the perfect point to prepare a full scale invasion to Zharad II, a nearby planet and the main base of operations of this droid army. However, we couldn’t let the LSSF know of out presence here, or it would spoil our plans of attacking it by surprise.
LUMPY: This does not make sense.
DREAGAL: It makes for me, master.
LUMPY: No, no, I’m talking about the transmission. In a point, it said something about “Punish” and “Droids”. I don’t think the scouts knew your plans, or did they, engineer?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: Well, they may be referring to the droids we used to attack this place.
LUMPY: Droids? Which droids? We didn’t see any out there!
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: I can’t tell you about that.
DREAGAL: What!?
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: If I tell you, they will kill me, or worse!
DREAGAL: If you don’t tell us, we will kill you!
LUMPY: Dreagal! Silly Jedi don’t do that! That is for evil sith!
DREAGAL: Really? Then how can we persuade him?
LUMPY: Look, we can always use a Mind Trick.
DREAGAL: But it only works on the weak minded! How can you know that this moron is weak minded?
LUMPY: We can try. Now, tell us which droids you are talking about! – Asked Lumpy, invoking his Silly Force powers.
IMPERIAL ENGINEER: I can’t - answered the engineer, who wasn’t very weak-minded after all. By the other hand, Dreagal found himself in a trance, and told his master that he didn’t speak about any droids, which comes to show that the fact that you are a Jedi does not make you intelligent. Edited by: Dark Soul Warrior at: 3/12/06 2:11 pm
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 181
(3/16/06 4:19 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER IV: THE E.C. FACILITY
After tying the engineer and throwing him inside a box, Lumpy and Dreagal proceeded to examinate their surroundings. It was a simple control room, with lots of useless panels and buttons wich looked as if they were merely painted on the pannels's surface, like in some sort of videogame. After wasting valuable time looking around, both Silly Jedi decided to leave by the only way possible (besides the lift, of course), a double door. It opened onto a bigger room with red carpets in both the floor and the roof, but not in the wall. Some really comfortable-looking sofas were in the room too.
DREAGAL: No doubt why they never find anything! They are a bunch of lazy slackers!
LUMPY: Yes, and now we know in what they spend all the money we give them! This is the best carpet I've ever put a foot on!
DREAGAL: Oh really? Let me see!
As Dreagal and Lumpy were touching the carpet with their snowed and dirty fingers, a band of Snowtroopers carefully approached from a corner, having heard their voices.
SNOWTROOPER: HANDS UP, FELLAS!
DREAGAL: But we are not your fellas!
SNOWTROOPER: ANYWAY, HANDS UP!
LUMPY: Oh, we would obey you, it's just that this carpet is of the finest quality in the galaxy!
ANOTHER SNOWTROOPER: It is, isn't it? I have told these guys, but they don't believe me!
SNOWTROOPER: ENOUGH! I SAID HANDS UP!
LUMPY: As you wish...
The wookiee raised his hands quickly, throwing the Snowtrooper commander with the force. Soon him and Dreagal had their lightsabers ignited, and even sooner they made a quick work of the troopers. From the carpeted room there were two doors, one at the right and the otehr at, almost obviously, the left. The right was presumbably the room were the troopers came from, and the Jedi decided to split. Lumpy would take the left while his partner the right.
The right door opened onto a corridor, which leaded to another room, with two doors, the one Lumpy took from then leaded to yet another corridor, and so on like 12 times until our wookiee hero got so mad that he tried to break a wall in order to find what he was looking for - something even he didn't know. Finally he arrived to a room with, as all other rooms, contained a lot of useless control pannels (to control what, considering it was an exploration outpost, who knows?) but had something different. It had some holograms depicting odd droids, which looked like a combination of B-1 Battle Droids and Phase I Dark Troopers, and vaguely rensembled to OOMs. Three containment pods were on the walls, sealed. Lumpy also noticed that this room was in fact not part of the E.C. facility, but a DSSF room, actually built by the Imperial Dissidents. On a wall there was a button, wich a sing over it which read: OPEN CELLS.
LUMPY (to himself): A button to open the pods. Hmm. I shouldn't press it. All times this happens, the main character presses the button and someting horrible happens, like some horror coming from inside the pods or a big, metallic pizza-thingie falls on top of him. Yet, if I don-' press the button, the readers would be dissapointed because they do not know what is inside the cells. And if that happens, this OOM guy will kick me off the fic and put someone else - perhaps even making Dreagal the star character! NO! I can' let that happen! - A flashback of Yoda in ROTS saying "Train yourself to let go of those things you don't want to lose" appears in Lumpy's mind - Oh, who cares about you? You die in a hut on a lost planet! Bah!
Lumpy, afraid of losing his protagonism (something that would have surely happened if he didn't do it) pressed the button. The cells opened, revealing three of the droids depicted in the hologram. Lumpy bent over the first droid, and reconogized something.
LUMPY (again to himself): Hmm... wait! I saw these droids before, like seven years ago! The very same holograms back there were on the base were OOM was breeding the Teddy Bear virus!
All of sudden, the door opened, and four Quarrens stormed in.
FIRST QUARREN: I'm afraid that now you know too much!
LUMPY: HEY - if you were out there listening, why didn't you storm in before I knew anything!?
SECOND QUARREN: Because you wouldn't have a chance of pressing the button and you would have lost your job before we could finish you off! And that's not fun!
FIRST QUARREN: ENOUGH!
Suddenly, the first Quarren, who was carrying a trident, shot some sort of blast from his weapon's tip, and broke the floor. All five fell into a big room filled with dirty water - the facility's sewers.
LUMPY: UGH! Naaasty! You had to do that?
FIRST QUARREN: SILENCE! IT'S TIME FOR OUR PRESENTATION! I am Dikkes Squidhead, and these are my brothers, Nikkes, Likkes, and Hittes! We are the Five Squids!
LUMPY: But you are four!
NIKKES: Our brother Fikkes was chocked to death by Darth Kudd when he failed to sing a christmas song...
DIKKES: OKAY TEAM, READY?
NIKKES, LIKKES AND HITTES: YES!
Suddenly some odd, cantina-like music started playing out of nowhere.
LUMPY: Huh!?
DIKKES: WE ARE THE FIVE SQUIDS!
LIKKES: NOT EVEN BEATEN BY A CHISS!
NIKKES: IF YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT US...
HITTES: WE WILL CAUSE YOU SINUS!
LUMPY: Oh, this is just ridiculous...
LIKKES: WE ARE THE GREATEST!
DIKKES: WE ARE UNBEATABLE!
HITTES: WE ARE THE BRIGHTEST!
NIKKES: TO DESTROY US YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE!
LUMPY: What, are you going to fight me, or to sing?
NIKKES: IF YE TRY TO FIGHT US...
HITTES: YOU WILL GET SOME NASTY PUNCHING!
DIKKES: IF YE DISRESPECT OUR SINGING...
LIKKES: WE WILL STORM YOU LIKE LIGHTNING!
LUMPY: I'm getting bored over here...
DIKKES: THE IMPERIAL DISSIDENTS RULE!
LIKKES: THE LSSF IS AS POWERFUL AS A MULE!
NIKKES: BUT WHEN YOU MEET SINGING QUARRENS...
LUMPY: YOU WILL FIND THAT IN SILLYNESS THEY ARE NULE!
HITTES: Hey, it was my turn to sing...
LIKKES: PERPARE TO DIE, STINKIN' WOOKIEE!
DIKKES: YOU ARE WEAK AS A ROOKIE!
HITTES: YOUR FALL WILL BE HEARD AS A GONG...
NIKKES: IF YOU CAN'T STAND OUR SONG!
LUMPY: Ha! You guys need my help if you want to sing properly!
LUMPY: IF YE TRY TO FIGHT ME YOU SQUIDHEAD SLACKERS, YOU'LL FIND ME THE GREATEST OF MOLLUSC BAKERS!
DIKKES: AND...
LIKKES: Err....
HITTES: A very good hacker?
NIKKES: No, no...
HITTES: Guess the song is over, then.
DIKKES: Guess so.
LUMPY: Well gee, I feel a little guilty now...
DIKKES: SILENCE! Five Squids, to battle!
Finally, the four Quarren jump in the air, brandishing their weapons to fight Lumpy.
Edited by: Dark Soul Warrior at: 3/17/06 9:18 am
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 182
(3/17/06 10:21 am) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER V: DARTH KODD AND THE QUARREN GRAPPLERS
Dreagal was thinking. Surely after the whole ordeal, the Silly Jedi will ascend him to knighthood. Ha! After so all that time, after all those stupid masters who couldn't teach him properly, he was going to finally be a complete Silly Jedi. And all thanks to who? To his new master. He was indeed lucky. How many other padawans at the temple had a Silly War veteran (as Lumpy was considered then) as master? No one! And while he was thinking about all that, he heard a metallic voice telling him to stop. It was then that he realized that he was surrounded by some sort of odd looking droids.
DROID: HANDS UP, JEDI!
DREAGAL: Huh?
ANOTHER DROID: YOU ARE SURROUNDED! THROW ALL YOUR WEAPONS AT ONCE!
DREAGAL: You think you can beat me? Ha! Robotical fools...
Dreagal ignited his lightsaber and tried to slash the first droid. However, as he blowed his enemy, the lightsaber turned off.
DREAGAL: Huh!?
DROID: Fool! We are made of cortosis! Your lightsaber is useless!
The droid, which looked like a sickly mix of B-1 Battle Droid and Phase I Dark Trooper, and vaguely rensembled OOMs, hit Dreagal on his stomach, followed by another droid who hit him on the head, knocking him uncouncious.
Back at the facility sewer, Lumpy was engaged in an epic duel against all four Quarrens. Dikkes, apparently the leader, was armed with a trident capable of shooting blasts, deflectable by a lightsaber, but powerful anyway. Nikkes and Likkes had both electrostaffs, while Hittes was armed with some kind of double bladed, vibrocowbar (which looked identical like the cowbar weapon used in Half-Life, but was vibro and double bladed). Lumpy jumped around and deflected attacks from all sides with great precision, but finally, Likkes and Nikkes hit him with the electrostaffs, stunning him for a second, enough time for Hittes to smash him with his vibrocowbar and for Dikkes to blast him against a wall.
DIKKES: See, you fool? It's impossible to beat us!
NIKKES: Our skills rival Count Boobu's! - something that was, obviously, not true, just as the previous statement.
LUMPY: I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming...
HITTES: But we are actually fond of our way of talking!
LIKKES: And now we will continue with your nasty whacking!
Lumpy got up again. Hittes ran to combat, but Lumpy was expecting him, and with a speedy thrust, cutted his leg off. He then Force Jumped and fell on top of Likkes, proceeding to cut his electrostaff in half and Force Pushed him against a wall. He then jumped just in time to evade a blast from Dikkes, but Nikkes hit the wookiee with his electrostaff, making him fall in the dirty water. Lumpy got up again before they could give the final blow and tried to cut Nikkes down, but the skilled Quarren parried all his blows. Dikkes, in turn, went over Hittes to see if he was still alive. Likkes, who recovered, carried his fallen but still breathing comrade up. Just when Lumpy was finally beating Nikkes, he was blasted by Dikkes, who replaced the other Quarren, who stepped back to rest a short bit. Dikkes blocked all of Lumpy's lightsaber blows (but not without difficulty) and hit him twice with the triedent, then blasted the wookiee yet again, but inmeatedly after, Lumpy ran onto him and cutted him down (but not slicing him or killing him). Nikkes, after seeing how the single wookiee overpowered him and his brothers, thrown his electrostaff to Lumpy's feet, asking for mercy.
NIKKES: Please, noble Jedi, mercy! Forgive these poor squidheads!
LUMPY: You surrender? Well, I will spare your life.
Lumpy turned to get the electrostaff, but when he turned back at the Quarrens, both of them, the double-bladed vibrocowbar and the trident were missing.
Dreagal awoke. He was in a cell. A beautiful woman with an evil look was smiling at him.
DARTH KODD: So you are Dreagal Craandan, huh? I heard much about you.
DREAGAL: YOU DID? FOR REAL? I AM FAMOUS?
DARTH KODD: In fact, no. I was reading your I.D.
DREAGAL: Oh... why everyone cheats me!? Bah! I will never be a good Jedi...
DARTH KODD: In fact, you are very powerful.
DREAGAL: You think so? It's just that - HEY! You are Darth Kodd, the silly Sith, aren't you?
DARTH KODD: I am, yes. But listen to me, Dreagal. You could be a very good Jedi. You have the skills. You are smart. You in fact very powerful with the Silly Force, far more tahn that bastard, master Bastardn, or the wookiee guy you were with earlier. Look, I have a proposal you will find most interesting...
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 183
(3/19/06 4:59 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER VI: A WHOLE ADVENTURE FOR NOTHING
Lumpy Force Jumped up the broken floor, returning to the droid chamber. He was tired, but had no time to rest, he had to move quickly. Those Quarrens could get Craandan - at least three of them - and the young apprentice was not ready for them or their nasty, mind-tricking songs. It was then that he saw the only two doors sealed, perhaps by the escaping Squidheads so he couldn't follow. Gah. Back to the sewers and their nasty smell of frozen poo. Ugly. After walking through lots of tunnels and breathing their nearly chocking smell, Lumpy came out to what seemed an exit. No, not a toilet, he found lots of them in the way. In fact, he was pooed like a dozen times, when he started tu use the Silly Force to return it through the pipes back to the one in the toilet (something that always made them cry in both anger and surprise). Well, back to the exit, it was some kind of air hatch (presumbably there to help the air flow and so help possible engineers inside to survive the putrid smell without an enviromental suit). He used his wookieesh strenght to break it with one blow (or perhaps it was not his strenght at all, just his bid for escaping the smell) and came outside. The trouble of being a 3 meter tall wookiee is that you have not only to duck in those places, you have to crawl. Anyway, he took another duct, and then another, an so on (he was in some weird maze) until he finally heard voices. There were two Snowtroopers talking. Lumpy heard their conversation to gather some information but after like 45 minutes he was heartily sick of hearing them talk about "How the perfect girlfriend would be" (and he heard many stupid things, including "She would have to have no brain" and "She would have to be a banana"); so he ignited his lightsaber, broke the hatch and stormed both troopers, killing them in one blow. A third one shot two times, and seeing his bolts deflected, ran for help, but a good Force Pull threw him into the hatch. He walked and found many more Snowtroopers in the way, but it would be like 4 hours of text to say how he took care of them all, so we will just say ho found many more. Okay? Good. Now let's continue. After taking care of the aforementioned "many more", our wookiee jedi found himself in a control room, with the famous useless buttons, wich had a long window onto the only hangar bay aviable. A lift directed to the hangar, but when Lumpy was about to comlink Dreagal to ask him where he was, he spotted a patrol of Snowtroopers entering the hangar. There were many patrols already inside then hangar, but hte Snowtroopers weren't the inportant thing: Inmeatedly after the patrol was coming a pretty woman with a black cape, and just after her, a young man Lumpy reconogized: Dreagal! Well, now that you know that the guy is Dreagal, you will also know who's the woman, but our poor wookiee has been walking in a sewer for hours and has no idea of who's she. Lumpy quickly took the lift and descended, Killed like 23 Snowtroopers in his bid for reaching Dreagal. But when he was approaching them, the woman used the silly force and pushed him against a wall.
DARTH KODD: Ah, wookiees. Just bipedal animals. A really intelligent being wouldn't be beaten like that.
LUMPY: Beaten? Ha! - Lumpy got up - You must be the silly sith I presume.
DARTH KODD: And you must be the fool who leaves such a powerful Force-sensitive to its own fate.
LUMPY: What do you mean?
DREAGAL: She's talking about me!
LUMPY: What!? That is ridiculous! You are everything but a powerful Force-sensitive! Well, without wanting to offend, you know.
DARTH KODD: See, aprentice? The Silly Jedi do not appreciate your abilities.
DREAGAL: You are right, master...
LUMPY: Master!? Oh, let me guess. They captured you, she told you a speech about that we are holding you back, and you turned to the DSSF, right?
DREAGAL: Well Lumpy, if you know everything, why you told me to go alone?
LUMPY: What!? Now it's my fault? You agreed!
DARTH KODD: Enough! Dreagal, go to the ship. I'll deal with this oversized monkey.
LUMPY: Watch your tongue, ex-DSSFer.
Dreagal and the only two Snowtroopers who survived (because Darth Kodd told them to hold their fire) got into a black Sambda (a Brazilian Lambda spoof, wich was aludes to Samba) shuttle. Darth Kodd ignited her lightsaber, and so did Lumpy. Whithout a single word, both jumped to combat. Kodd was skilled with her lightsaber, but Lumpy almost cuts her in half like twenty times, becuase he was far more strong than the sith, and every parry of hers was broken by his blows. Darth Kodd then pushed him against a wall, and took the lift to the control room. Lumpy, unaviable to follow, jumped to the room, aided by the force, but Kodd opened the hangar's blast doors. A fiery blizzard raged outside, and the strong wind made Lumpy crash against yet another wall, in a Looney Toons fashion. Kodd brocke the room ceiling, jumped over it, and waked to the vulnerable wookiee. She Force Griped him, raising him into the air.
DARTH KODD: Fool! Even if you managed to escape my Quarren Grapplers, you will not be able to escape me!
LUMPY (coughing like Grevious): We... shall... see...
DARTH KODD: In fact, no. DIE!
And then she started throwing Lumpy around, smashing him against walls, throwing him in the air (a lethal fall) and gripping him again, choking him nearly to death. But Lumpy wasn't so weak, and when she tried to smash him against a wall for like the thenth time, he actually stood in the wall, and Force Pushed Kodd, so freeing himself from her grip. The blizzard made Kodd slam against the very same wall Lumpy did before, but she was agile, and standed in the wall and jumped down. At the same time, Lumpy was running by the wall to the control room's roof, igniting his lightsaber and throwing it at Kodd in a Jedi Outcast fashion. But the sith landed on her feet and runned to the Sambda ship, which, when she entered, turned its egines on. The Snowtroopers descended from it to shoot Lumpy and such prevednting him from closing the blast doors, thus giving the time for the ship to escape. It worked, and althrough Lumpy killed one of them, the other one entered in time and the ship escaped. Lumpy cursed and ran through the still trooper-filled facility. He arrived at the main door, still full of troopers, but, realizing that he was incapable of beating them, Force Pushed them to the floor, opened the door and ran, being persued by troops and walkers. Using the silly force, he dodged and deflected the shots, reached the Deathwookiee and managed to escape before it was destroyed. The Deathwookiee was entering in space when Lumpy saw a big Star Destroyer. The Sambda shuttle had already entered, Lumpy presumed, because it was not in sight. He quickly programmed an hyperspace jump, while dodging the Star Destroyer's attack. The Deathwookiee soon entered hyperspace, directed to Ossus.
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 186
(3/28/06 4:41 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER VII: THE BUGGY BUG
As the Deathwookiee decended, Lumpy didn't even had to go to see the High Tater Council - Both Master Erel and Bastardn were expecting him in the hangar.
KYLE BASTARDN: Been waiting for you we have, Master Lumparwarrump.
LUMPY: You know Bastardn, imitating Yoda is not only already used by so many other people, but it does not really fit you well!
EREL: Look Lumpy, we got bad news.
LUMPY: Oh really? I got too. Dreagal has turned to the dark silly side.
EREL: Bah, who cares? He couldn't get even a "Toc Toc" joke. He will probably cause more problems to them than to us.
LUMPY: You don't really like him, do you?
EREL: Not since he crashed my heyblibber.
LUMPY: Your WHAT?
EREL: Oh, nothing. Look, back to the important matters. We have been contacted by one of those DSSFers. He claims to have been chief engineer in some kind of Bio-engineering project, and something about some droids too. By reasons he didn't tell us, he was fired. So, he called us and told us about the Imperial Dissidents plotting something in Bespin.
LUMPY: Wait - how do you know their name?
EREL: This guy told us.
LUMPY: Bespin it is, then. How is this guy's name?
EREL: He is called Zorak. He will meet you in the Scumm Hotel.
LUMPY: Okay. I'll go there and see if I can cause some mischief to those dissidents. MTSFBWY.
EREL: What??
LUMPY: May the silly force be with you, fool.
EREL: Oh, yeah, MSTHSFKL too.
Lumpy sighed and returned again to the Deathwookiee. This was like the 17th time he sat on the boring pilot chair. He just ignited the engines and flew to his destiny.
After a most uneventful voyage, he arrived at the gas ball. He docked the ship in the private hangar outside the -7 star Scumm Hotel. After entering, he spotted some sort of hooded alien, with some insect-like beak petruding from the hood. The alien saw him too, and called him with a PSST! so loud that could be heard even by those on the other side of Tibannopolis. Lumpy sat with him.
LUMPY: So you are Zorak?
ZORAK: Yes, furball. - Zorak got his hood out. He looked like a green, nearly disgusting space-like mantis.
LUMPY: Ugh! You are so naaaastyyyyy!
ZORAK: And you are a jerk, what's the difference?
LUMPY: Right. Now, to the important matters...
ZORAK: What? Ah yes, about those I.D. idiots! They fired me! I hate them.
LUMPY: That's not in what I'm interested.
ZORAK: And who cares about your interests? I'm talking now, so shut up. I hate you all silly jedi scum. But back to the topic, those I.D. slackers (I hate them!) fired me from the project.
LUMPY: What project?
ZORAK: COULD YOU SHUT UP!? Now, this project they fired me from.
LUMPY: This is not going anywhere, you know. Could you just tell me what project¡
ZORAK: Well, they were working to make this stupid city blow in millions of stupid pieces.
LUMPY: WHAT? And why you joined them?
ZORAK: Because I hate this gas ball. Well, they were loading some bombs in the Tour Air Buses wich hover around Tibannopolis.
LUMPY: We must stop them!
ZORAK: We?
LUMPY: You will help me, right?
ZORAK: Okay, just because I hate them. Come, the Tour Air Buses will start their stupid tour in one hour. However, the have control of the Tour Station.
LUMPY: That's no problem - said Lumpy, showing his lightsaber to Zorak.
ZORAK: I hate you, you know that?
LUMPY: Yeah, sure. Let us go.
Lumpy and his disgusting new partner took a short ride in Zorak's extremely outdated speeder to the Tour Station. They entered. A short, beautiful woman was sitting behind a desk.
WOMAN: Greetings. My name is Clara. How can I help you?
ZORAK: I hate you, stupid receptionist!
LUMPY: Err, we are inspectors, and we want to check theAir Buses.
CLARA: Inspectors? May I see your identifications?
LUMPY: Well, in fact I am a Silly Jedi in a very important mission! Stand aside!
CLARA: Jedi? Oh, don't worry, there is absolutely no problem with our Air Buses.
ZORAK: She's lying! Clara is one of the sith acolytes who were directing the project! I know her!
LUMPY: What!? Couldn't you say that before!?
CLARA: Oh, Zorak! I didn't reconogize you. I must be blind, you are still the ugliest thing in the galaxy! - At this, Clara gets out her lightsaber and Force Pushes Lumpy onto a wall.
ZORAK: You are still that very same bitch! I hate - But Zorak is stricken down by Clara.
Lumpy quickly jumped into action, brandishing his lightsaber. However, Clara proved to be very good with her weapon. She started jumping around like Yoda when he faces Dooku, and Lumpy had trouble to block her blows, but mostly, to hit her. Clara many times tried to hit him in the head, but even for her force-powered jumps, Lumpy was too tall (and she was short). Suddenly a loud "GONK!" was heard, and Clara fell to the floor, grabbing her head.
ZORAK: TAKE THAT, SITH SCUM! Ha! I always wanted to do that! I hate you! - Zorak had a heavy metal tube in his hands.
LUMPY: Good! Where did you get that?
ZORAK: Errr... I don't know.
LUMPY: Hey - weren't you dead!?
ZORAK: I can't die. The guy who's writing this doesn't want me to die. I hate him. Come, the stupid Air Buses are that way.
Edited by: Dark Soul Warrior at: 5/26/06 6:22 pm
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 187
(4/5/06 3:42 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER VIII: BESPIN AIR BUSES
Zorak led Lumpy to a door, wich conducted to a catwalk. Under the catwalk there was series of other catwalks, big enough to make it a maze. And even under all the catwalks, there was a medium hangar, wich 7 Air Buses docked.
LUMPY: Good! Now we just have to go down and get defuse the bombs!
ZORAK: Are you stupid? Do you think they had only one guard? Surely this place is swarming with security devices! I hate security!
LUMPY: Well, I don't see any. - Suddenly, the sound of metallic feet running was heard. 5 droids, the same model of the ones at Ilexia, block Lumpy's and Zorak's way.
CORTOSIS DROID: Surrender your weapons inmedeatly!
LUMPY: Make me, walking junk! - Lumpy ignited his lightsaber and blowed the droid. However, as soon as he hits it, the lightsaber turns off.
CORTOSIS DROID: Ha! Look guys, I'll take care of this one alone!
The droid's arm-mounted cannon dissapeared, and a vibroblade emerged from it. It was rising its arm ready to strike when Lumpy force pushed him off the catwalk, making it smash in pieces in the hangar below. The other droids quickly advanced onto Lumpy, but he jumped to another catwalk and used the force to break the first one, making the robots fall and smash in the ground. Zorak got up cursing from the pile of junk, but found himself surrounded by stormtroopers. He raised his hands as the troopers got his blaster and took him away. Lumpy, watching from the catwalk, decended quietly to the hangar. One trooper was left, guarding the buses, but Lumpy knocked him uncouncious. He then went to the first bus.
Lumpy was starting to defuse the second bomb when he heard the door open. He turned round to face Clara, the receptionist sith, 10 stormtroopers and suprisingly enough, Dreagal, leading the party.
DREAGAL: Time is over, master. We have you surrounded.
CLARA: Well, in fact, Lord Dumbass, there are two other doors and the hangar blast doors of course.
DREAGAL: SHUT UP!
LUMPY: Lord Dumbass?? I must say that it was true, when Darth Kodd said she knew and understood you perfectly!
DREAGAL: No master, don't try to redeem me, I will not go back to the light.
LUMPY: I was not trying to redeem you, in fact I was insulting you!
DREAGAL: Stop insisting master, it will only make our punishment worse. I am from the Dark Side of the Silly Force now!
LUMPY: I already know! That's why you left with Kodd!
DREAGAL: I must warn you master, you are getting me angry! There is no come back for me! TROOPS! KILL THE LSSF SCUM! - The stormtroopers advance to Lumpy.
LUMPY: But I was not trying to redeem you! - Lumpy ignitesdhis lightsaber, and started bashing the troopers around. After a very short skirmish, all troopers are dead and Clara ignites her lightsaber to fight the wookiee.
DREAGAL: Truly? You are not? Oh man, I wasted my time then!
LUMPY: What do you mean? - Lumpy was busily fighting the sith while talking - Waste your time??
DREAGAL: Well, I only turned to the DSSF just to call your attention. I am still in the light, I just wanted you to notice me...
LUMPY *who's being pinned against a wall by Clara*: You are in the light!? Then come and help me, human fool!
DREAGAL: Please, don't be angry at me. I know it was wrong, and I repent, but...
LUMPY *who has lost his lightsaber and is at Clara's mercy*: SHUT UP AND HELP ME!!
DREAGAL: Huh? Oh yeah, sure. - Dreagal force pushes Clara against a wall. She gets up and jumps on to Craandan screamaing, "TRAITOR!", but is hit down in the head by Zorak, who has the very same metallic tube than before.
LUMPY: Zorak? Where did you come from? Weren't you prisoner?
ZORAK: That fool over there took all the troops gurading me. I hate to be guarded.
DREAGAL: What's that thing?
LUMPY: No time to explain, we must defuse the bombs!
Lord Of The Punishment
Posts: 192
(5/26/06 6:18 pm) Reply
Re: The Silly Wars - New Age - Episode I: Son of Kashyyyk
CHAPTER IX: THE WOOKIEE, THE MANTIS, AND THE DUMBASS
After throwing Clara through a window to the bottomless clouds below (Zorak's idea) Lumpy, Dreagal and the green bug were at the Air Buses, thinking about how they could defuse the bombs.
LUMPY: Now, should I cut the green cable, or the blue one?
DREAGAL: The green one!
LUMPY: In fact, I thought that it was the blue one...
DREAGAL: No, no, it's the green one!
LUMPY: No, it's the blue one!
ZORAK: Shut up! What about the red one? Let me try! - Zorak, instead of cutting the red cable, touches it. He is instantly roasted by an electrical shock. - Well, we'll better not touch that one! What about the green one? - He touches it, and is shocked again - Gah! Stupid electricity! I hate cables! The blue must be! - He touches the blue one, and yes, he IS shocked again. - GRRR! Hmm... perhaps the red one again?
DREAGAL: STAND ASIDE! I HAVE A QUICK SOLUTION! - Dreagal ignites his lightsaber and sinks it one the bomb. Lumpy screams, but instead of exploding, the bomb shuts down.
LUMPY: YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US ALL!
DREAGAL: Yes, but I knew it wouldn't blow. I know how they are made, and was with these guys you know.
LUMPY: Couldn't you say that before!?
DREAGAL: Sorry? I TOLD YOU IT WAS THE GREEN ONE!
ZORAK: SHUT UP! Let's finish with this!
After a short while all bombs are defused. Lumpy interrogates Dreagal about the Kudd's plan, while Zorak gets the big metallic tube into his small pocket. Dreagal informs Lumpy that the ID main base is located on the remote world of Artus Prime. The quicly agree to go there and go in search of the Deathwookiee, and Zorak, since he has really nothing better to do, agrees to go with them. However, when they arrive to Lumpy's ship, they find that someone has been expecting them:
Both Lumpy and Dreagal stare at the ridiculous dancing being. Zorak, however, does not seem very surprised (something very normal on him, as he never seems surprised).
LUMPY: Who the hell are you? And why are you dancing on top of my ship?
RIDICULOUS CAT-LIKE BEING: I'm Brak, the bounty hunter! I have been sent by Darth Kudd to kill someone called Mumarnarrump or something alike! Have you seen him?
LUMPY: LUMPARWARRUMP! Yes, it's me. But why are you dancing on top of my ship?
BRAK: Because I was bored! - Suddenly Brak draws a blaster and points it towards Lumpy. He then spots Zorak - Zorak! What are you doing here?
ZORAK: BraK! I haven't seen you since I made you fall when you were dancing for that Hutt! Stupid hutts, I hate them!
BRAK: Yes, he got angry and wanted me to to feed his nice rancor. Poor beast, it was so hungry taht it looked horrible. I tried to give him a recomforting hug like those my father's friend used to give me when we were alone he took me to play in the bathroom, but it almost eats me! So I asked the rancor if he would let me hug him, but he answered roaring, and I hid behind a boulder, and then he tore my pants off. Jesus, there was jelly everywhere.
ZORAK: And how did you escape?
BRAK: I told you he tore my pants off!
ZORAK: Ah, of course. I hate you when you don't have pants.
LUMPY: So ah, are you going to attack me or something?
BRAK: Ah, sure! I forgot! - Brak gets down from the Deathwookiee so slowly that Lumpy could have killed him a dozen times meanwhile, but finally stands in front of the wookiee. He then aims at his head. - Now, prepare to die, you bad person! - He is still aiming, but does not shoot. Instead, he collapses and starts to cry. - I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! KILLING WOOKIEES IS BAD! - He looks to the sky, as if someone was there - NO DADDY! I AM SWEET! DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT! I'M NORMAL! PLEASE! I LOVE YOU! DON'T HIT ME! - He starts to roll and drool in the floor while crying.
DREAGAL: This is so pathethic.
LUMPY: Indeed it's pathethic, even for you. Now, let's go! - both Silly Jedi get on the Deathwookiee, while Zorak laughs and kicks Brak, who is still agonizing in the floor.Seeing the mantis very happy, they decide to leave both aliens in the hangar and do not bother on waiting. Zorak, however, does not even wave goodbye. After a while, Brak stops crying, and Zorak stops kicking him, and recovers that angry expression so normal on him.
ZORAK: Shall we go and follow those fools?
BRAK: Why?
ZORAK: Because we are miserable and have nothing else to do.
BRAK: Okey-dokey!
ZORAK: Oh my. Well, I hope you have a ship.
BRAK: YES! Follow me! - Zorak follows Brak, who guides him for nearly half an hour around the hangar until they arrive to the ship wich was at the side of the Deathwookiee, wich was, in fact, in front of them before Brak dicided to guide his "friend".
ZORAK: What's this thing?
BRAK: I introduce you to the Lady Sweetheart, my personal ship! - The Lady Sweetheart is a Z-95 Headhunter with all flowers painted on it.
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