seashoregirl 
Cooper Crazy
(9/19/05 12:17 pm)
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The Courage Within- Chapter 7
Harley, Gus, Zach, and Jude spent the next few days getting used to each other again and settling into a routine. In the morning Harley and Gus would fix breakfast for the four of them. It was usually something quick and easy like cereal or oatmeal, but occasionally Harley would fry some bacon or sausage. Then while Harley took Jude to nursery school on her way to the Harley’s Angels’ office, Gus would wait outside with Zach for his school bus. Harley came home between twelve and one to eat lunch with Gus, many times discussing one of her cases and asking Gus for his perspective, and would spend the afternoon doing housework. Gus helped when he could but he still tired very easily and wasn’t quite back to his usual hyper self. If she thought he was pushing himself too hard, Harley would force Gus to lie on the sofa and take a nap. At this point, Gus would usually beg Harley to take a nap with him and usually she gave in and would lie down beside him and Gus would wrap his arms around her and fall asleep within minutes. Although Harley knew that she should get up and continue with the household chores, being in Gus’s arms again was something she just couldn’t give away. So she would stay in his arms and many times fell asleep herself. When Zach hopped off the bus and raced into the house usually slamming the door in the process, their peaceful slumber came to an abrupt end. Shortly after that, Marina or Coop would bring Jude home. Harley was in charge of dinner, either by cooking it herself or having Buzz fix some take-out from the diner. Her two little guys usually entertained themselves but sometimes her big guy would play too. So far Zach and Jude were being good about the “no wrestling” rule, but Harley knew that one would be very tough on them. After dinner, it was bath-time, followed by story-time, prayers, and bed. Zach and Jude sat on either side of Gus as he read them their nightly story. Sometimes Harley would sit on the other bed in the room, but mostly she was busy with other things and would just sneak a peak in from the doorway. And every time she did, a few tears would fall. ‘This is the way it should be.’ Harley thought to herself. Once the boys were settled into bed, Gus and Harley would return downstairs where they’d sit and cuddle on the sofa. Sometimes they would watch TV, sometimes they’d pop a CD in the player and listen to the music, sometimes they would talk about whatever popped into their head, and sometimes they would just sit and watch the brilliant red, yellows, and oranges of the fire in the fireplace. Then when they could barely keep their eyes open any longer, Harley would retire to their bedroom and Gus to the guest room. Neither was happy with this arrangement. Harley ached every night when she when into their bedroom alone, but she didn’t want to push Gus…not when he had so many other worries. Gus too ached when he got into bed without Harley, but they had come so far and were so very close again that he didn’t want to jeopardize that closeness.
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The next week…Wednesday…
The day of Gus’s first chemotherapy appointment, Harley got Zach and Jude up earlier than usual, gave them breakfast, and took them both to school. She left cereal in a bowl for Gus and told him to start breakfast without her. But she returned to find Gus just sitting at the kitchen table, not eating a bit and instead biting his nails.
“Sweetie, you really need to eat.” Harley said as she fixed her cereal and sat down next to Gus.
“Not hungry”
“Don’t you mean too nervous? I’ve seen what you’ve done to your nails.”
“Yeah, I know…I’ve chewed them off. But you know what I really wish I had…”
“Gus do not say it…do not even think it! A cigarette is the absolute last thing you need.”
“Harley, I need something to calm my nerves.”
“Yes, and you’ve got me. I’ll do that. Do you want to talk about it?”
“It meaning the chemotherapy?”
“Yes…the chemotherapy or anything else”
“Ok…well, I suppose getting the chemotherapy makes this whole thing more real. I mean I know I need it…and I want to get well…god, I want to get well…but…”
“But what…”
“Harley…it wasn’t supposed to be like this. This should have been our first year of marriage. We should still be in the honeymoon stage. Though I actually always saw us in that stage…at least where the sex is concerned. Anyway, we should have been so totally involved with each other and the boys and maybe giving them another brother or sister. Instead, look at us now…fighting like hell to find our way back to each other and beating this damned cancer.”
“Gus…we can’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘should have been’. Those thoughts will destroy us. What we have to concentrate on is what is…we still love each other…we will get you better…and then we will work on ‘us’. We’re both fighters who never quit. We can do this. I know we can. And if you are feeling weak or not believing it so much, you lean on me and I’ll have enough belief for us both. You did it for me, when I was shot. I’m going to do it for you now.”
After Gus had eaten an acceptable amount of cereal, Harley took his bowl and set it in the sink alongside hers. The ride over to the outpatient chemotherapy clinic at Cedars was mostly quiet, except for one little bit of conversation.
“Harley, you know that I’ve rarely been able to lean on anyone in my life. Of course, I did with my mom and dad when I was little, but since Joe died, I never leaned on anyone until I met you. And I’m telling you this because…well…even if I have a hard time of it and try to act strong, I do know that I can lean on you and it means a lot to me.”
“Oh Gus…I do know that. I’ve known that from way back, even when we both had our mechanisms up for self-protection, I saw that part of you. That part who hadn’t trusted anyone enough to lean on them after your dad was murdered. And when you trusted me enough to do that…well, it told me that that thing we had between us could really go somewhere. And it did.”
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Cedars Chemotherapy Clinic…
A nurse ushered Gus and Harley into a big, open room where patients took their chemotherapy treatments. The room was mostly empty with only two other patients sitting in the large, comfortable easy chairs receiving their treatment. The nurse, who introduced herself as Ann Walker, pointed to two chairs where Gus and Harley could sit and then went to get the IV bag full of the chemotherapy drugs. In a few minutes, she was back and after finding a vein in Gus’s right arm, started the IV drip, informed Gus and Harley the bag would empty after about 1.5 hours, and if they had any questions, Harley could come get her.
“So how shall we kill an hour and a half?” Gus asked after Nurse Walker left.
“Well, you know I always bring a coloring book and crayons for Zach and Jude, but for you, I brought these.” Harley reached into her large wicker purse and pulled out a deck of cards and began shuffling them.
“I think I’d rather have the crayons” Gus said with a sigh.
“Oh…don’t be a spoilsport…why?”
“Because we are in a public place and can’t play strip poker like we do at home.”
“Then honey…we’ll just have to use our imaginations. And I don’t mean to complain, but whenever we play, I inevitably end up stripped down to my bra and panties while you have taken off your socks and shoes and shoelaces, separately since you told Zach ‘shoelaces count as clothing.’ If I’m really lucky, you may lose your shirt.”
“Oh please…I’m not the only one who got creative with the rules on clothing. If I looked at the rule book for strip poker, I highly doubt ponytail rubber-bands would make the clothing list.”
“Whatever…I only did that to compete with your shoelaces.”
“Anyway…win or lose…after the game, we always evened it out so that neither one of us had on any clothing. I think we were both winners.”
“That we were…let’s play. Deuces wild.”
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Very Early Friday Morning…
The touch of little fingers on her arm and the word “Mommy” brought Harley out of her slumber. Struggling to wake, she peaked at the alarm clock on the bedside table and saw that it read 2:45.
“Zach…what’s wrong sweetie?” Harley asked as she lifted Zach up on the bed with her.
“Mommy…I got up cuz I had to go to the bathroom, but when I opened the door Gus was in there. He was sick Mommy…throwing up. And now he is just sitting on the bathroom floor. He doesn’t look very good.”
“All right…Zach…go use Mommy’s bathroom and then go back to bed. Is Jude awake too?”
“No”
“Well, be quiet getting back into bed so you don’t wake him up.”
“Will you make Gus feel better Mommy?”
“I’m sure going to try.”
Harley hurried down the hall without taking the time to put on a robe to cover up Gus’s shirt. She slowly opened the door and saw Gus sitting on the floor between the toilet and the tub. Zach was right…he looked awful...very, very pale. Harley got a washcloth out of the cabinet, ran it under some cold water in the sink and placed in on Gus’s forehead as she squatted down beside him.
“So the nausea medicine didn’t help?”
“No” Gus’s answer was barely a whisper. He felt awful…so awful that his normal distaste about Harley seeing him this way wasn’t there. He needed her help and he knew it.
“Ok…I’m going to call the doctor in the morning about trying something else. But Gus…you can’t stay here sweetie. Let’s get you back into bed.”
It took a little effort but Harley did get Gus up and he leaned on her as they took small steps to the bed in the guestroom. After getting him settled in the bed, Harley went downstairs and got a little bit of coke in a small cup with a straw. When she brought it back up to Gus, he managed to take a few sips before putting it down.
“Gus…sleep is the best thing for you right now. Just close your eyes.”
“You’ll be here?”
“Yes, I’ll be here.” And with those comforting words, Gus laid his head on Harley’s lap and she rubbed his back and whispered she loved him until he fell asleep.
 
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