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Operation True Love: Pacey and Joey > Pacey and Joey Fan Fic > Scratch (1/1) 4.1.03 |
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NikNakPJLVR
 Posts: 62 (4/1/03 2:09 pm) Reply |
Scratch (1/1) 4.1.03 While attempting to get inspired to write more for Eyes Like Twins,, I wrote this one-part fic (almost 9 months ago! *gasp*) about PJ based on the song "Scratch" by Kendall Payne. The song is simply beautiful, and I think the words fit PJ perfectly, especially after the end of Season Four. The story is written in three different parts, which are self-explanatory and easy to follow.  Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Dawson's Creek. Background: Early Season Five. Jen told Joey that Pacey is in Boston and invited him over to Grams' house for a cookout. This will be the very first time Pacey and Joey see each other since before he left town. Dawson is in town visiting, but not a factor because the “Coda” kiss was meaningless and unnecessary. Yes, this is my world. Hee. Author's Note: First, thanks to my wonderful friend and beta, Kim. You are just SO good to me, and I appreciate all your help and patience. I know I said I would post this sooner, but you know me and my issues, soupmate. *sigh* Thanks again for everything. Love you hun. ::muah:: Also, thanks to all my other girls (you know who you are!) who received a sneak preview of this fic. I appreciate your never-ending support, honesty and encouragement. Without all of you, I would have given up this writing thing a long time ago. Now, I have to give an extra special thank-you to my sis, Sara, who made the kick-ass official banner for me, even though she isn’t a PJer. (I know, but I love her. Hee!) I absolutely love the banner, hun. Thanks SO much for your help and suggestions for the concept of the banner, along with getting just the right pictures. It’s perfect and simply gorgeous. I appreciate your hard work, also your advice on one part of the actual story. You are such a sweetheart. ::muah:: My buddy, Shelly, made me another beautiful banner for the fic that I’ve been using as my POTL sig to “promote” this one-parter. Thanks much, babe! I love it and you were very sweet in making it for me. ::muah:: I think I have talked long enough. Without further ado…  Scratch It’s a big girl world now Full of big girl things And every day I wish I was small Joey’s POV While walking across the freshly cut green campus lawn earlier this week, I was mesmerized by my surroundings. Looking around at this place that I wanted to attend since I knew how to dream, I realized I was finally here. I had made it. Attending Worthington College had been a life-long goal that seemed unachievable at first. But fate was on my side this time, well at least partly. Not all at once, though. I achieved this all on my own. I guess not completely, because Dawson did help me pay for it. But that’s a moot point, because the balance owed diminishes each month when I mail him a payment check. I will forever be grateful to him for giving me this opportunity of a lifetime. The big city of Boston is my new world now, which makes the reality of no longer being in Capeside frightening, but exciting at the same time. The familiar scents, ordinary air, and home-like scenery comfort and soothe me, enabling me to make the transition to this new place, Boston, as my home, easier. I’m all grown up now. Or am I? College classes, unfamiliar dorms, unknown faces, forcing me to move on and embrace the future. Am I capable of getting used to this? I must admit, my friends have helped me to make these adjustments in my life. Even Dawson, who came back for a brief visit a few days ago. It’s always good to see familiar faces, especially one that I have seen almost every day of my life. But there is still a dull void, a blank space in my life that cannot be filled by a sense of familiar surroundings or mature adjustments. And initially, it broke my heart that he wasn’t here to share this newfound experience with me. I felt insignificant, overwhelmed by this monumental thing called life that I inwardly protested change to because I didn’t want to move on, without him. But now… now he’s here with me. I haven’t actually seen him yet, but just knowing he is within reach, in the same city, makes my spirits soar and life at Worthington, in Boston, that much sweeter. I’ve been counting on nothing But he keeps giving me his word And I am tired of hearing myself speak All this time, I depended on something to keep me going, when it was really someone that I needed, although I didn’t readily admit it, since I was clouded with heartache and pain. Determined to survive the awkward first week of being in college, I resolved to make it with no set-backs, worries, or overwhelming homesickness, which unfortunately crept up from time to time. But how could I not miss him the most, cry his name often? A stabbing pain has been present since he left without a single word. Has it been that way for him? I told him he wouldn’t have to ask for me to go away with him again. I would leave without a second thought, even if it meant giving up this dream. But was his offer sincere, genuine, real? Since I haven’t heard from him in months, it makes me wonder. I have repeatedly analyzed what went wrong, where it all turned sad, difficult, hard, when it used to be amazing, exciting, and passionate. My mind was inundated with these thoughts. But even after everything that happened between us, is it possible for it to be that good again? All these questions plague me, because I know what I want his answers to be. I just don’t know if they are going to be the responses I will hear. Do you get weary Do you ever get weak How do you dream When you can’t fall asleep? My mind is drained, my soul worn out thinking about his summer journey. Who was he with? What did he do? Did he meet… someone? That latter particular thought makes me shudder with sadness. Does he remember our past as I do every single day? Do his knees wobble and his heart race when he thinks of the romance that we shared? I can’t help but smile when remembering those special moments together, the intimate details that gave meaning, purpose to our life as a couple. Sometimes, I even fall asleep with a wide grin. However, I have also suffered through many sleepless nights and just as many restless days. Because even though he may not be thinking about me, he is never far from my thoughts. I lay awake in bed at night, unable to shut my eyes, thinking about all that could have been different for us, about what I could have done differently. But I ask myself, honestly, why reminisce on things I cannot change? Why do I torture myself with “what ifs” or “if onlys”? I want to savor those good moments, and learn from the bad ones. If given the chance, I would make us a hundred times different and better the second time. But, reality hits me again, crushing my hopes since I know I shouldn’t dream of a reunion when I’m unsure of how he feels. Sighing, I conclude. Reality seems overrated at times. I’ve been wondering what you’re thinking And if you like my dress tonight Rummaging through my closet, leafing through several outfits, I decide on something simple, but sensual for the cookout tonight. What will he say when he see me? Will he possibly be speechless, as I anticipate my immediate reaction to him as such? Will he even offer some explanation as to why he hasn’t come to see me yet since he arrived here in Boston? Perhaps I am expecting too much. I shouldn’t complain. I have no right to. It’s not like I made much effort to trek over to the marina myself. There’s just so much to say that should have been voiced a long time ago, and there have been many times in the last few days where my steps guided me towards him, but I stop myself, afraid that it may be too late. But is it? I know now that I took Pacey always being with me for granted. I never thought I could lose him until it actually happened. I think about when Dawson left for college, which was different from when Pacey sailed away and didn’t look back. I had an apparent lapse of good judgment when Dawson and I kissed. Especially soon after Pacey broke my heart. I felt the world, as I knew it, falling apart around me, with my best friend leaving for school on the other side of the country and the love of my life feeling the need to be far away from me for his own sanity. But afterwards, Dawson and I both came to the conclusion that the kiss meant nothing significant or earth shattering. In our individual way, we said goodbye once more, to each other and life, as we knew it. Our words were heavy with meaning but with absolutely no regrets; we were good friends and nothing more. Sighing, I pull my light blue tank top over my head and smooth out the pants’ leg on my navy blue capris. I slide on my sling-back sandals and turn around to face the mirror as I start to apply my makeup and style my hair. Will he comment on my outfit? Or even noticed I have lightened my hair color? It has been a long three months. Would you still say you love me Under this ordinary moonlight I’m so afraid of what you’ll say Searching through my makeup drawer, I find my lip-gloss and foundation, and I spread them in front of me on my dresser. As I open my pressed powder compact, dabbing my cheeks with color, I think about a declaration that warmed my broken heart not too long ago. “I still love you and probably will for a long time.” A huge smile forms on my face, although my eyes are shadowed with a hint of sadness. Does he still mean that? In this normal setting soon to be upon us with my friends, my relationship with Pacey is still the one most undefined and obscured. Who knows where we stand with each other, after the painful ending of our senior year? Is there even a possibility for us to return to the blissful, content state that we used to share? Pacey has a smile that lights up a room. His hair curls up at the nape of his neck. His lips feel like soft silk, velvet to the touch. My breath catches when he emits loving sounds from his throat when our mouths meet in tender kisses. All these memories flood my mind, and the whole time I’m getting ready for dinner at Grams, I ponder over what he’ll say when we first lay eyes on each other. I know what I want him to say, and I know what I want it to mean. But what will actually come out of my mouth when I attempt to speak? I am petrified of what he feels, how he will want things to be, if he wants anything at all. As selfish as this may sound, friendship won’t be enough for me, because it doesn’t parallel with my deepest longings and desires. It’s no secret that I want him back in my life. I have dreamt of his return since he left after graduation, but my heart dropped when I learned he was in Boston. I can’t begin to describe the feelings that come over me at the prospect of him staying. If given the chance, I want us to start at the beginning and do things better this time. I need to apologize for making him feel he had no choice but to leave, to get away from me. I often wonder, did he find what he needed? Did his journey help allay his inner demons and insecurities that I, unfortunately, helped feed? Of course, I can’t demand an explanation from him, of where he’s been and/or whom he’s been with. But whatever he says, no matter if it hurts me, I pray it was good for him and he found the answers he was looking for. Maybe it enabled him to see what I knew all along, but failed to show in our time together. He is this wonderful person, with an amazing capacity to love, and the keys to be successful in life. He gave me the precious privilege into his heart. I want to be worthy of that chance again, although it won’t be perfect, for nothing in life ever will be. In retrospect, we tried too hard to make things perfect for each other, without realizing in the end, that we were hurting each other and ourselves more by not facing reality. It tore our hearts in two. But I am hoping he allows me into his world again, because no matter where I’ve been since he left, he never left my heart. I want him to know that there was one person who anticipated and yearned for his return, someone that wanted a chance, an opportunity to start over, with him. After pulling my hair up in a clip, with wisps of curls circling my face, I step in front of the mirror for one last glance over. I have nothing more to lose, because my heart disappeared the day he sailed away from me. I used to think I was special and only I have proved me wrong I thought I could change the world With a song Pacey’s POV Maybe it can be called a coincidence that I ended up in Boston. Or better yet, I think the word “destiny” covers the sentiment, because it has to be more than just a coincidence. I assumed, along with every member of my family, that Capeside would forever be my universe, my world, that I could never escape from. But I made it out of there, all on my own, and found myself in other places. The word “home” can mean a lot of things, because it definitely encompasses more than just a place to live or a residence. Boston is home right now. Here there is meaning, substance and purpose, more than just a residence… because Joey is here. I will be seeing her in less than an hour, which causes my hand to tremble at the thought, since I haven’t spoken to her since graduation. However, I haven’t stopped thinking about her ever since. Jen told me she finally exposed my secret to Joey that I was actually in Boston, and she invited me over to Grams for their weekly dinner, or as Jen bluntly puts it, Grams' way of checking up on them. I hesitated and tried to come up with every excuse known to man for why I couldn’t go because I am terrified to see her. Jen wouldn’t take no for an answer and now, I am expected to be there. Not that I didn't want to say "yes" immediately, of course. I am sure to become incoherent in thought and weak in the knees the moment I lay eyes on her. But I can’t deny the inevitable. I want to see her desperately, and I know it will confirm that Boston is “home”, that all is right in my world, by just seeing her face. This impending “reunion”, for lack of better word, has undoubtedly provided me with a mixture of emotions and feelings. I sigh and reflect back on our relationship from the very beginning, not excluding the bad times. I still get angry at myself for breaking her heart at the prom, embarrassing her in front of the class, hoping to transfer the pain I felt onto her. I selfishly blamed her for my own self-inflicted worthlessness and unfounded insecurities, when all she did was make me feel loved but I refused to believe her, in myself, in us. Why was I so intent on living up to the screw up my family branded in my mind that I was born to be? Joey made me feel important, significant, and meaningful, and there’s simply no explanation as to why I wanted to prove her otherwise, because in the end, I realized that I struggled with my own inner demons and allowed them to win. Joey was like air to me, an essential element in my life that I was unable to live without. Although not perfect, she still gave me reasons to enjoy life, to be happy, and to be proud of myself. Have I run out of time to tell her that? I have ended up in India Oh, with no map to guide me home The strangest place I’ve been Admittedly, my travels this summer gave me experience, maturity and culture, along with a few other things. Do I have regrets, second thoughts? Definitely, because of the way I left. I took the easy road out and left. I was confused and a coward. Misguided, and confronted with inner struggles, I saw no way out of my melancholy state, except to leave home, to leave the love of my life. Going away and traveling the open seas would have been better, if she was with me. On the other hand, I must admit, it may have been the break we both needed, but neither wanted. I went to many different, nice locations where I was exposed to various weather conditions, different foods and ways of life. Enjoyable? In its own way. It may not have been the best way to deal with life, but it was the best way I knew how, at the time. But now, I can actually look myself in the mirror again and I am satisfied with the reflection, with not much emphasis on the outward appearance, but more importantly, on the inward growth I have gained and worked hard for. I think about something I said to her when she was nervous about our future together. “I plan on being wherever you are.” I never realized the irony of those words until now. I thought that we were friends My stubborn will is learning to bend As I button my shirt, a disturbing thought comes to my mind that I can’t forget. Jen told me about Dawson and Joey sharing a little moment, a kiss… shortly after graduation. It stung me and cut me like a sword, but I can’t dwell on it for long, because I can only blame her so much for that, if at all. Jen also told me Joey was upset and hurt, deeply pained because I left and with Dawson moving away shortly after, it did nothing to ease Joey’s emotional state. As much as it actually hurt to hear what happened, I could try to put meaning or reason behind the kiss, an explanation as to why it would even occur. But I’m not, because it’s not worth it and I have no right. Besides, this isn’t what tonight is about, or what I want to focus on. I want to remember our times together, and when I think of her gorgeous brown locks, her intoxicating eyes, and her famous lop-sided smile, my mind goes to places I dream about every night. When she nervously bites on her lower lip, tucks her hair behind her ear, or gives me “the eyes”, I am putty in her hands because she has this incredible affect on me. It goes back to having those butterflies that my brother Doug told me about. They never left me. I pull on my beige khakis, zipping them up and weave my belt through the loops. Rummaging through the closet for my shoes, I continue to think about the upcoming dinner. Where do Joey and I even begin tonight, if anywhere? I don’t want to rush the situation. What will she say when she sees me, and does she even feel the way I do? I can’t expect things to be exactly the same, nor do I want them to be, because we are not even the same two people. And even though I don’t know what she’ll say, how she’ll react, or where a small conversation between us, if anything, will lead, I want us to try. Hopefully, she will allow me, the flawed yet content person I now am, entrance into her world again. Nobody is perfect, and I won’t try to be anymore, because that ripped us apart before. I just want her to let me into her heart, because she never left mine, no matter where I went or how far I traveled. After running my hands through my hair, I glance in the mirror for one last look and take a deep breath. I have everything to gain back again, since all that was important vanished the day I sailed away from her. ~*~ “Are they here yet?” Jen asked for the fourth time with exasperation. Jack retrieved the paper plates, cups and napkins from the cupboards, while Grams seasoned the meat that was to be grilled. Dawson chopped up lettuce, diced tomatoes, and cut peppers in shreds to prepare the tossed salad. Everyone was busy getting ready for the barbeque, and all relaxed except Jen, who acted slightly irritated and anxious, as the weight of the situation dawned on her. She was worried for the friends, or rather ex-lovers, that haven’t seen each other in over 3 months. “Hun, you need to calm down or you are going to pull your hair out.” Jack teased and smiled with a grin. He walked over to Jen and rubbed her shoulders, massaging her tense muscles. “I don’t think my heart can take this.” Jen replied and covered her face with her hands. She peeked out between her fingers and shook her head. “Why does it feel like a horrible episode of “Who’s Coming to Dinner?” Jack kissed the back of her head and started walking way, while Dawson laughed and just shook his head. “I don’t know why you are so worked up over this, dear.” Grams interjected, shaking her head as she piled the meat onto a plate and started walking towards the patio. Grabbing the seasoning salt off the table, she ventured to the patio deck. “I know why. Joey did this to me. We have been talking about this for a few days straight. Wait, correction. SHE has been discussing this ever since I told her Pacey accepted the invitation to come over. But I feel like I’m seeing my long-lost boyfriend or rather, ex-boyfriend for the first time in months. “ Jen chuckled to herself, immediately realizing how neurotic she probably sounded. “Well, don’t you think I should be the one who’s a little nervous and anxious? I did kiss the girl before I left for school.” Dawson added. “And we will leave that damn kiss right where it happened. Back in Capeside, tucked away and long-forgotten.” Jen whipped her head around and snapped, as she narrowed her eyes towards Dawson. “Breathe, Jen.” He commented and she sighed as her face softened. “Besides, it is. Don’t worry.” Dawson reassured her. He and Joey wrote to each other over the summer, and they discussed the kiss along with the meaning behind it. Both agreed they were so wrapped up in knowing that he was leaving, and the thought of separation was overwhelming, so the kiss happened, but it had no further implications for them. Dawson spoke again as he continued to make the salad. “We are friends and always will be, that’s all.” He winked at Jen, who wiped her face and smiled back at him. Grams shook her head and finally went outside, with the meat in one hand and opened the patio door with the other. Jen decided to make herself useful and get out the corn on the cob. While bending down into the refrigerator to grab the corn, she suddenly remembered something else and popped her head back up quickly. “Oh! Jack, bring down the CD’s from upstairs. I have a whole selection already piled up, so you should see them all laid out on my dresser. Also, we need the CD player because we don’t have one outside yet. What else? Hmm, we have to set up the tables, chairs, get the cards, games… ” Jen rambled off numerous tasks, as she turned back around to grab the soaking corn in a bowl, and closed the refrigerator door with her foot. “Yes, ma’am.” Jack mock-saluted and laughed, while Jen glared at him with a scowl on her face. He winked and she cocked her head to the side and chuckled a little. He went upstairs to get the music and CD player, and Jen put the corn on the table and prepared them to be grilled. The doorbell rung and Jen yelled out, “Come in, door’s open.” “Lindley, you have to stop having all these open invitations, because you never know who or what might show up at your door. Besides, it doesn’t do any good for your reputation.” “Get over here, Witter.” Jen wiped her hands on a towel and grabbed Pacey, giving him a hug. Then she punched him lightly in the side and he winced, pretending to be hurt. “Ow! What was that for?” Pacey furrowed his brow but couldn’t help and smile. “Just because you’re a smart-ass.” Jen winked. “You look handsome”. She leaned towards him again and sniffed his shirt. “Hmm, and he smells good, too.” She arched her eyebrow with a playful glee in her eyes. “You did this all for me? I’m touched.” “Hardly.” He laughed and shook his head as Jen playfully put her hand to her heart and batted her eyes. Pacey smiled and looked around nervously, but Jen touched him lightly on the chin and turned his face towards her again, silently telling him that she wasn’t here yet. Pacey sighed. Dawson stood in the corner laughing silently and waited for Jen and Pacey to finish before interrupting, but Pacey finally turned around and acknowledged his oldest friend. “What’s up, D?” The two guys embraced in a manly way, tapping each other gently on the back. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and it was nice to see each other, no matter the problems they had before. “Hey Pacey. How was the high life on the open seas?” He stepped back, leaning against the counter and looked at his friend. “Great, man. I had a good time, although I worked hard, too. I saw many sights and met friendly people. But it’s nothing like coming home, wherever that may be. Pretty ironic that Boston ended up being my last stomping ground.” Pacey let out a small laugh. “I am thinking “fate” is the more appropriate word.” Dawson arched his eyebrow and Pacey looked at him perplexed, for Pacey knew what Dawson hinted at, although he couldn’t fully understand why. “Is there anything I can help you with?” Pacey asked Jen as he glanced around at the kitchen and quickly changed the subject. He knew things were okay between Dawson and Joey, because Jen told him they weren’t a couple, but the uncomfortableness with Dawson about Joey still remained, even after all this time. “You can give Grams a hand with the grill. There are more burgers in the fridge, as well as some cleaned chicken, so please take those out to her, if you don’t mind.” “Sure.” Pacey washed his hands and retrieved the remaining meat from the fridge. Jack came downstairs with his hands full, as he juggled the CD player, the CD’s, games, etc. He walked into the kitchen and put all the stuff down. “Did I get everything, Miss Daisy?” “Not funny.” Jen lowered her voice into a growl, as Jack stood with an arm full of stuff and laughed. Surveying his hands, she added with a sweet smile. “But yes, you did.” Pacey stood up from the fridge and turned around to see Jack. “Jackers? Nice to see you, man.” “Good to see you, too. Although I think we talked about that nickname.” Jack warned in semi-amusement. “Oh, sure and I listen to whatever you say on a daily basis.” Pacey noted with sarcasm dripping in his tone as he closed the refrigerator door. Jack rolled his eyes and sneered. Picking up the CD player along with the rest of the stuff, he walked outside to the deck, and Pacey followed behind where they found Grams grilling the meat. Pacey shut the patio door behind him, so as to not let the cool Boston air seep into the warm heated house. Dawson finally finished the salad and garnished it with bacon bits and croutons. Grams brought cold cuts, just in case somebody wanted a sandwich instead of grilled food, but they decided to just leave those in the kitchen. There was enough food already. Jen boiled the corn and went to the cabinets to get soda and sherbet to make punch. She thought about making lemonade, but opted to give that task to Audrey when she arrived. “So, have you decided on how long you’re going to stay in town?” Jen asked Dawson without lifting her head. “Not sure. Maybe just for a few more days. Afterwards, I am going to visit my mom and Lily, because you know, I miss them, especially my little sister.” “I know you do.” “How’s things been here in Boston for you?” “Good, I can’t complain. Boston is a new experience and different surroundings, but I am adjusting and it’s interesting. I think I may get a job on campus, but I am unsure of what I want to do.” “Jen, I am sure you’ll figure out something, and excel at it.” Jen looked at Dawson and smiled back at him as she poured the soda into the punch bowl, adding the sherbet and stirring occasionally. A silence fell upon the kitchen as Jen worked and Dawson looked on. “So, where’s the Grams? I love seeing that woman.” Jen looked up and shook her head, instantly recognizing the voice. “Audrey, the one and only.” Dawson looked at her quizzically and she just nodded her head again. He understood that his curiosity would be satisfied in less than two seconds. Audrey and Joey came sauntering into the kitchen, with bags in hand that overflowed with chips, pretzels, tortilla and salsa, cookies, junk food to appease every taste bud. Joey put the bags down and stopped short when realizing her best friend was standing in the corner, so she walked over and stood in front of him with a smile. He smiled back at her, and they hugged tightly. Joey gave him a kiss on the cheek, as they lingered in each other’s embrace for a few seconds, enjoying the familiar friendly ambiance of each other they have known all their life. She pulled back to look at him. She grinned and commented softly. “It’s really good to see you, Dawson.” “Same here, Jo. You look great.” “Thanks.” She smiled again and blushed slightly. Stepping further back, she finally turned towards Jen. “Oh, hey you.” “So nice of you to acknowledging me.” She laughed and smiled slightly as Joey giggled, knowing she didn’t really hurt her feelings. “Um, hello? Anyone care to introduce me? Or should I just guess?” Audrey asked and paused for a moment, as both Jen and Joey momentarily forgot that Audrey hadn’t met Dawson before. Audrey lightly tapped her mouth with her finger, pondering to identify the blond-haired guy standing in the kitchen. “You must be Dawson, right? I’m Audrey, the roommate.” Audrey put her bags down and extended her hand to shake Dawson’s, which he accepted. “Nice to meet you. I’ve actually heard about you in some of the letters Joey wrote me.” “All good things, I hope.” Audrey teased and glanced at Joey, who shrugged her shoulders innocently. “Always.” Dawson chided and Joey winked. “Can I help do anything?” “Audrey, you can make the lemonade. The pitcher is in the top left-hand cupboard, lemons in the fridge…” Jen trailed off. “Um, that was Joey. I didn’t offer my services.” Audrey interrupted and rolled her eyes. “I volunteered you.” Jen retorted and caught the tail end of Audrey sticking her tongue out at her. Joey and Dawson just shook their heads and laughed. “Ok, slave driver.” Audrey relented and made her way over to the refrigerator to get the lemons. Joey proceeded to take the chips and pretzels out of the grocery bags and placed them on the countertops. She searched the kitchen with a quick glance looking for snack bowls, but upon seeing none in the vicinity, she turned around and opened the overhead cupboards, reaching upwards to grab two bowls. “Well, the meat is almost grilled to a – ” Pacey walked into the kitchen, halted mid-sentence and stopped dead in his tracks at the same time as several bowls came crashing down to the floor, dropped from Joey’s trembling hands. Breathe, Joey. She exhaled deeply and braced herself against the counter. She slowly bent down to pick up the bowls, placing them on the counter in front of her, and gripped the surface, for fear if she didn’t hold onto something, her knees would give out and she would surely slump to the floor. Sighing, she finally turned around and immediately, her heart skipped a beat. She gazed into his eyes and felt as if she was staring into her own soul. The room became clouded with deafening silence and the temperature rose with no air circulating. Or it could have just been Joey’s imagination because she seriously thought she was going to faint. Her feet were planted to the floor, as if in mud, unable to budge or move. Pacey remained frozen across the kitchen, as he peered right back into her brown eyes and got completely lost. His heart pounded in his chest so loud he swore everyone in the room could hear it. As he took in every inch of her, from head to toe, while still speechless, it confirmed one thing he always knew would never change. She was still the most beautiful girl in the room. Seconds turned to minutes as they devoured each other with their eyes. It had seemed so long since they’ve seen each other, when in actuality, it had only been three months. In all honestly, they never really left each other because each time they closed their eyes at night, the other was in their thoughts, dreams, and fantasies. Joey willed herself to speak first, so she swallowed hard and cleared her parched throat. “Hey.” Pacey shuddered at the sound of her sexy, raspy voice. “Hey, Potter.” Her legs crumbled to jelly and she felt herself losing her balance. Each wanted to walk toward the other and hug each other, as if their own lives depending on it, but was that what the other wanted? Well, it didn’t really matter anyway, because neither Pacey nor Joey had strength in their bodies to take one step. Their friends crowded in the kitchen didn’t say a word, for they didn’t want to interrupt this moment. But Audrey walked slowly towards Jen and whispered in a low voice that only she could hear. “So, this is the Pacey I heard so much about?” Jen nodded silently as Audrey continued. “And this is the same guy in the picture that is on her night table?” Jen nodded again, still not saying a word. Audrey muttered to herself. “Ah, I see.” Pacey cleared his throat, and dropped his head to the floor. Somebody needed to talk or he would combust. Silence. He lifted his head up and met her eyes again where he saw tears glistening. She sighed and turned away from him, leaving the kitchen to go in the living room as Jen and Audrey followed her. Pacey leaned against the counter and put his hands in his pockets, lowering his head to the floor again. ~*~ “I can’t feel my legs.” Joey whimpered with Jen and Audrey at her side. “You’re fine, Bunny. Just relax and breathe.” “I can’t do that!” Joey exclaimed, as her voice rose and she sounded shrill. “Did you even see him? God, he looks handsome… and tanned.” She sighed and covered her face with her hands, shaking her head from side to side. After a moment, she dropped her hands and looked at her friends, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Audrey glanced over at Jen who nodded. “She’s been like this all day.” She confirmed with a small smile. “I am right here, you know.” “We know. Jo, remember this is a good thing. You have waited for this moment since he left. You want to see him and talk to him, among other things. And may I add, from the look of things, he wants exactly the same thing.” “You can tell all of that from ‘Hey, Potter?’ ” Jen giggled. “Of course I can.” Joey sighed and smiled through her tears. “What would I do without you two? “ ~*~ “Thanks again for calling me.” Dawson and Pacey were talking in the kitchen. “Don’t mention it. I felt awful for just leaving like that, with no word, and I really appreciated you saying you were proud of me for graduating. I needed to hear that, especially at that time. It was really good… coming from you.” “I meant it.” Dawson genuinely smiled. Pacey smiled back and then looked over and saw Joey with the other girls standing in the doorway. He offered a small smile, which Joey returned as she tucked her hair behind her ears, nervously averting her eyes still shined with unshed tears from him. Nice start. “If I didn’t know any better, I would venture to say you are trying to keep an old lady out of her house and have her rot outside grilling food.” Grams stuck her head inside the patio door and smiled at everyone standing in the kitchen. She blew a kiss towards Audrey and Joey. “We’re ready, Grams. Guys, grab something and bring it outside. Oh, don’t forget the beer, which is still in the fridge.” The gang gathered the food and walked outside to the patio. Pacey and Joey stole glances at each other, but still didn’t manage to say more to each other than hello. Jack was on the patio when everyone assembled around the table, which was set with the paper plates, cups and forks, and the gang placed the various food dishes on the table. Everyone sat down at the table to eat. Dusk was approaching, and sunset loomed in the distance, so Jen lit vanilla candles to light the patio as soft jazz music played in the background on the CD player. They started to eat, passing food left and right over each other as the beer chilled in the cooler. Everyone made friendly conversation and idle chatter, getting caught up on each other’s lives. It was good to be together like this again, and everyone felt comfortable and at ease. Glancing at her watch, Grams pushed back her chair and stood up, after a brief silence fell when the conversation eventually died down. “It’s almost my bedtime.” Everyone turned towards her with confusion, because even though the sun had set, it still wasn’t too late in the evening. “Actually, it’s not, but this is just my nice way of excusing myself so you young adults can do what you do.” She chuckled and smiled slightly. “You don’t have to leave, Ms. Ryan.” Audrey commented, as she sipped on her lemonade. “Yes, I do, dear. I am not an old woman that wears out her welcome… even if it is at her own house.” Grams laughed and winked as everyone stifled their own laughs. “But before I head up to my room, I’ll load the dishwasher and straighten out the kitchen a little. What in particular do you want me to leave out here for you?” “The junk food… and don’t even dare touch the liquor.” Jen giggled and winked at her grandmother. Grams sighed and shook her head. She smiled and started to clear the table, and eventually, Dawson and Jack assisted her in bringing food inside. Joey gathered the used paper plates and cups, leaving some unused ones behind, and walked over to dump the trash in the garbage can sitting in the yard. She came back over to the table and sat down as Pacey remained seated and sipped on his beer. Audrey changed the CD to a R&B group and Jen followed the boys inside, where she went upstairs to grab a sweater, since the Boston cool air made her chilly, forming goose bumps on her skin. Joey and Pacey were at the table alone, and both of them cracked a small smile at the same time. “Subtle, huh?” He spoke up, referring to their friends’ disappearing acts and arched his eyebrow with suspicion. “Not a very good job, though.” Joey chuckled and lowered her head slightly before lifting it back up to meet his eyes again. She sighed and attempted to relax in Pacey’s presence. “I don’t mind at all.” Pacey stated, still gazing at her. He hitched a breath at the sight of her obvious nervousness, because he felt the same way. She smiled sheepishly. “Neither do I.” After an awkward silence, Joey spoke softly. “So, it was great to hear you enjoyed yourself in your travels around the world.” She rested her arms on the table and crossed them in front of her. Pacey relaxed and leaned forward as well. “Yes, it was good to get away from everything.” He paused and lowered his voice, leaning back slightly. “Well, mostly everything.” Joey caught his meaning but didn’t say a word, and he took a deep breath before continuing. “Although my main concern was to perform my job assignment well, you know I always loved being out on the open waters, and this summer enabled me to deal with some inner problems that severely overtook my life. I thought I needed to go far way from everything to learn anything about myself, and even though I don’t regret the time spent away from Capeside, in actuality, I really didn't need to go anywhere. The answers I longed for were deep within myself. I came to the understanding what I can and cannot live without.” Joey spoke in a whisper. “I hope you found what you were looking for.” “Honestly, it never left me.” Joey caught her breath. “How was your summer?” He asked tentatively after a brief awkward silence. “A little rough at first.” She sighed and lowered her voice sadly. “But I managed, and being in Boston attending Worthington has been a great, cleansing experience for me. I still miss the familiarity of Capeside at times, as much as I thought I would never say that. It was home for many years. But slowly and eventually, Boston is gaining new personal meaning to me and it’s good to be here.” She smiled and leaned back a little, shivering slightly as the cool night air stung her arms and back. “Funny how I ended up in Boston with you… well, with everyone.” He added sheepishly and ran his fingers through his head. “Ironic, huh?” She chuckled to herself, reflecting on what was and could be again. She peered into his eyes, wondering if what she saw as a glimmer of hope was not just her own imagination. “I’m very proud of you, Pace.” Joey blurted out, continuing to watch him as her heart skipped a beat. “For what?” He questioned. “Graduating high school.” He drooped his shoulders and relaxed. “Thanks, Jo.” It felt extremely good to hear those words from her. “Doug told me you sent him an email with your congratulations for me.” “Well, I wanted you to know that wherever you were, someone back home was thinking about you and all you accomplished, and that person had no doubt you would be able to do it all along.” “Really?” “Always.” Joey took a few chips out of the bowl, mostly to calm her nervousness and the flip-flops going on in her stomach. Her palms were sweaty and she needed to keep her hands occupied, as she struggled with what to say next. “You look great, Jo.” Pacey whispered in a low voice, looking at her intently. Joey swallowed hard and whispered back. “Thanks. So do you.” A brief silence fell upon them, the tentativeness and awkwardness still evident, and hesitation looming in the air. Pacey and Joey longed for their familiar groove, their recognizable foundation with each other, but realized how hard it would be to get back to that well-known territory with each other, after all this time, after everything important and significant was still left unsaid. Both seemed cautious and timid, afraid to do too much, too soon. Neither wanted anything heavy or complicated, and they yearned inwardly for the open communication between them, which was sorely lacking at the end of their relationship. However, it seemed that, simultaneously, both decided to relax and just see where the conversation led them. Nothing hurtful or personal from their experiences over the summer arose as they talked, for they owed each other no explanation, nor did those experiences warrant meaning or definition. And even though each felt the other wanted to discuss the current state of their relationship and the realm of a possibility to begin again, however that may be, or whatever that may signify, they held back and stopped short, for fear of the other’s unknown reaction. So, as they sat outside alone, in attempt to keep the conversation light, Pacey talked more about his summer adventure, and Joey talked about her new life in Boston. After a while, the conversation winded down and they just sat at the table, nervously glancing at each other, with them still oblivious that their friends hadn’t come back outside and Audrey quietly walked inside a while ago. Actually, the rest of the gang peered out from inside the kitchen, where they had been standing for a while, and smiled at each other regarding their two friends. Jen beamed and felt content, because seeing Pacey and Joey together as they were was as natural and simple as breathing. It was the way it should be. After a while, Jen came out onto the patio, with a sweater for Joey, and Pacey and Joey looked up towards her and smiled. She gestured with a deck in her hand, indicating an upcoming card game. The CD automatically changed to a rock band, and Jack, Dawson, and Audrey came out with additional beer. Grams called out “Goodnight” from the patio door, blew kisses and went upstairs to her room, as everyone turned and waved at her before she disappeared. Joey and Audrey sat on the lawn chairs, chatting and listening to the music as they drank their beers, while Jen, Dawson, Jack and Pacey played cards at the patio table where dinner had been served. “Spill NOW. I want the 411.” “Huh?” Joey asked innocently with a glee in her eyes. She giggled when she noticed the frown on Audrey’s face. “Oh, you know what I’m talking about, so get to it.” “I still am unsure of what you’re referring to.” “Ok, let me give you my shortened version. I finally see Pacey, THE Pacey Witter whom, might I add, you were pretty anxious to see as well which explains the display in the kitchen a few hours ago when bowls came tumbling out of the cupboards. Ring a bell? Do I even need to mention the scene in the living room when your legs wobbled, breathing ragged, fallen tears?” Joey chuckled and took a nice swallow of her beer. Obviously, she was done drinking lemonade for the night. “Now, you have just spent, dare I say, quality time together with said Pacey over at the picnic table when your gracious friends quite noticeably ventured into the house allowing alone time. You currently have this twinkle, sparkle, something in your eye that has Pacey written all over it, and you tell me you don’t know I’m referring to?” Audrey raised her voice with a slight tone of irritation. “Nope, I don’t.” “JOEY!” Audrey’s exclamation caught Pacey’s attention, who snuck another glance at Joey. She just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head as if she didn’t know what the fuss was about. He winked at her and returned to his card hand. Audrey quieted down and whispered. “Start talking, before limbs get broken.” ~*~ “It hasn’t come up yet.” “What are you waiting for?” “Nothing. Everything. I don’t know.” Pacey answered, shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “Ok, the jitters should be gone by now.” Jack chimed in. “They are, kind of, but I don’t know if it’s too soon to tread on that subject. I don’t want to rush, although I am getting a vibe, but that could just be me...” “There’s no time like the present. You’ve been apart all summer, remember? If you can see her in one day and all the residual feelings come rushing forth, as we clearly saw in the kitchen, that should tell you something.” “Don’t wait until it’s too late, like I did.” Dawson added absently as he looked at his cards and realized he had to pick a card from the deck. Pacey looked at him and his words lingered in the air. Eventually, the CD switched to slow songs, which fit the mood because it was nighttime and the candles were still lit. The card game finally finished, and the others joined Audrey and Joey on the grass sitting on the lawn chairs. They were hanging out and reclining with their drinks not too far from their mouths. Pacey sat next to Joey, who sat besides Jen, with Jack, Dawson and Audrey rounding out the circle. The stars sparkled at night, with the hint of vanilla scent in the air, as the clear sky shone with a cool swaying breeze. A ballad started playing in the background while the gang made conversation, although after a while, a companionable silence overcame them, and they sat comfortably. Verses from this song were muffled over by their previous talking, but as the gang remained quiet, the chorus of the song played louder and the words loomed in the air, clearly audible and lingering from the singer’s mouth. I’d like to know if you’d be open to starting over from scratch Joey gasped and caught her breath, as she closed her eyes and reflected on the meaning of the words, immediately realizing these words meant everything she felt tonight, today, all summer about Pacey. Ever since she learned he was in Boston, even before they had seen each other, she felt his presence in Boston was, perhaps, a sign for them. Her emotions got the best of her as a single tear slid down her cheek, but she didn’t wipe it away. She opened her eyes and slowly turned towards him. I’d like to know if you’d be open to giving me a second chance Pacey sighed deeply and briefly shut his eyes. How can these words mirror perfectly everything he wanted to say to Joey tonight? Pondering the significance and irony of the situation, the song couldn’t describe his emotions better towards Joey right now, hell, all summer, even if he tried. It explained what he wanted, and further validated his overwhelming desire to give their romance another try. He opened his eyes slowly and turned towards Joey, to only see that she was already looking at him with emotions and feelings that paralleled his own. Was this real? The second verse sung in the background as a silence continued to envelope them, and a common understanding engulfed them. They both felt they couldn’t breathe and each of them were completely overwhelmed with the realization they both wanted the same thing. Each other. The chorus repeated itself in the background, as Pacey and Joey never broke their gaze with each other. Joey’s emotions consumed her as she remained fixated on Pacey’s eyes, which in a matter of seconds, became similar and equal to her own. I’d like to know if you’d be open to starting from scratch I’d like to know if you’d be open to giving me a second chance Pacey stared back into Joey’s gorgeous tear-stained face, which had a calm look to it as he felt inner peace within himself. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, as other fallen ones slid down her cheeks. Pacey’s eyes shone with the same intensity, because he knew, finally, this was their moment, their chance. He willed his hand to move over to touch hers and she immediately sucked in a breath, and gasped. Glancing down as his hand grazed hers, a few teardrops fell onto his hands, which he didn’t wipe away. She lifted her eyes to meet his again and smiled through her tears. She interwove her fingers with his and moved her free hand to stroke his cheek, and her touch sent rippling sensations throughout his body and overwhelmed him, for her fingers felt like silk against his skin. He momentarily closed his eyes and reveled in her touch, which was familiar, but still as exciting at the same time. Opening his eyes back up again, he grinned with contentment and relief that she was still there, in front of him, and this wasn’t another reoccurring dream he suffered through every night. Moving in closer to each other in an effort to close the gap between them, they shifted in their seats slightly with their faces becoming inches apart, feeling their breath on each other’s skin. Joey’s fingers remained on his cheek and Pacey brought his hand up to outline her gorgeous lips, causing her to shudder from the exhilarating feel of his touch. As the song continued to play, they both knew their prayers were answered, because this is what they both wanted, and they finally knew that the other felt the same way. Hearing their friends’ satisfied sighs, as the rest of the gang sat back and watched the wonderful scene unfold in front of them, Joey wrapped her arms around Pacey’s neck and he slid his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He snuggled his face in her hair as the beautiful aroma from the familiar scent of her shampoo engulfed him. She stroked his back and nestled her face in his shoulder, taking in the intoxicating scent of his skin. It felt like heaven touching each other for the first time like this in months. They clung to each other and silently promised in their hearts to never let each other go, not ever again. The contentment in their hearts became clearly evident on their faces, if it wasn’t already, because they both were smiling through their tears, for it was confirmation of what they realized and finally achieved after all this time. Pacey and Joey were willing, ready and able, to start over with each other, together, from scratch. The End Now, it’s your turn. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the story. Edited by: NikNakPJLVR at: 4/2/03 10:56:09 am |
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LadyHaHa
Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 38 (4/1/03 9:45 pm) Reply |
Amazing!
Utterly utterly amazing! I can't say enough. Your writing is beautiful! I love this fic! You must post more!
Sigh! |
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SnoozyC
 Posts: 45 (4/2/03 10:32 am) Reply |
Re: Amazing! Awww, I love your writing, I love you and I love love loved that! 
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PJfanLizzy
Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 25 (4/8/03 6:39 pm) Reply |
wow Perfect. I loved that. You have such a breathtaking style! You should post more stories. I really enjoyed that one. Lizzy |
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NikNakPJLVR
Posts: 63 (5/12/03 7:28 am) Reply |
Re: wow *blushes* Thanks for the wonderful feedback. I really appreciated it. |
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