30,00000000000000000 millenia ago - the Slow Crunch, quickly followed by the Short Fuse. Quantum foam percolates through the heart of an infinitely compressed dark matter storm, and tachyons play amidst the strangeness and charm. Symphony music plays as the universe collides with itself, and the Big Bang comes about.
29,00000000000000000 millenia ago - the Milky Way galaxy coalesces out of random star matter, narrowly beating the Chocolatey Way to the top seat on the universal score card.
28,00000000000000000 millenia ago - our Sun becomes a STAR, baby! Big time! All over the front page!
27,00000000000000000 millenia ago - Spiralling radioactive quasi-liquids combust, then integrate into a soft planetary formation. This type two gas giant, otherwise known as Uranus, eventually becomes hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah snicker snicker snicker snicker she said anus.
26,00000000000000000 millenia ago - one of the smaller planets closer to Sol explodes under extreme gravitational pressure. Latter-day astronomers attribute this event to the formation of the asteroid belt which runs between Earth and the Martian homeworld, and have dubbed it "Vulcan", in honour of the deified blacksmith of Mount Olympus and frequent assistant to Zeus, also known as no, reginald, spock didn't have anything to do with it hah hah hah hah snicker snicker oh for the love of god, shut up and learn something.
25,00000000000000000 millenia ago - I'm not even going to tell you what the name of THIS new planet is. Figure it out yourself! Never should have subsituted fo Miss Grable, that bitch.
24,00000000000000000 millenia ago - Who does she think she's fooling with her bleached hair, anyway?
23,00000000000000000 millenia ago - And how dare she act all high and mighty when everyone knows what she did at last year's Christmas party, why, I tell you I have never in my life seen so much tongue shoved into one man's mouth.
22,000000000000000000 millenia ago - I hear she drinks, too.
21,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Don't tell me I'm wrong, you didn't catch the scent of cherry flavoured vodka off her in the Teacher's Lounge bathroom!
20,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Everyone knows, she's practically the office skank.
19,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Look, an amoeba.
18,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Hey, that makes TWO strings of deoxyribonucleic acid! Go, team!
17,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Come on, just one little tightly beaded splice of chromosome material! Come on!
16,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Give it all you've got, sport! I wanna see a loose chain of sequenced proteins within the next eon, or we're going back to the building blocks! And we BOTH know we're all too old to be splashing in the amino pool!
15,000000000000000000 millenia ago - Beta carotene and lycopene! Why, my word, that's fabulous!
14,0000000000000000000 millenia ago - Well, you've certainly slowed down. I was expecting more than a few lousy serine carbons and a couple of enantiomers. Do we need to head hold you back a grade?
13,0000000000000000000 millenia ago - More phytochemicals? Whatever shall we do with you?
12,0000000000000000000 millenia ago - I already told you, I expect SPECIFIC hydrogen bonds between thymine strands! Listen to my instructions, dammit!
11,0000000000000000000 millenia ago - Thoroughly pissed off at the unnecessary time waste traditional evolution requires, God scraps his plans for the universe and decides to try his hand at a few new schemes.
10,0000000000000000000 millenia ago - Tyrannosaurus, mastodon, pterodactyl, triceratops, sabertoothed tiger! And, in the final battle sequence, they combine to create MEGAZORD! Go go Power Rangers!
9,000000000000000000000 millenia ago - The dinosaurs have a great run, eating lemurs and palm fronds and generally living the lyrics to that King Crimson song. Oops, here comes an asteroid.
8,000000000000000000000 millenia ago - On the plus side, look at that pretty new moon that was kicked into orbit. But, on the down side, a couple eons of dust-covered eternity for the Earth's atmopshere. Bummer.
6 thousand years B.C - God scraps continuity and fiddles with the grand temporal clock. We should make a sitcom dedicated to all the funny hijinks and shenanigans God gets into, all his various acts and mysterious ways. We could call it "THAT DARN GOD" or "DUDE, WHERE'S MY GOD?" or something like that.
7th day, approximately - God rests. I can almost hear the theme song, an upbeat little jingle. We could have celebrity guest stars and everything! NBC could schedule it for Must See Thursday! Buddha could drop by for sweeps week!
In A Gadda Da Vida - Don't eat that apple, Eve! I swear, it's like, uh, POISON! You'll doom us all to working for the sweat of our brow and pain of childbirth and, aww, why'd you have to take such a big bite! Oh, "the Devil made me do it". Well, there's a first time for everything.
40 days and 40 nights - Moses, armed to the teeth, boards Noah's Ark along with a pirate crew. Primitive muskets are used in the ensuing battle. The unicorn and the dodo bird are the first casualties of war. Things look bleak until the prophets Jeremiah and Jericho draw their broadswords and duel Moses's double-sided sabre to a newly composed John Williams theme. Yeah, that was kickass. If only they'd cut out that annoying Jonah Ben Ben, but I guess they wanted him in there for the kids.
2000 B.C - Abraham armwrestles King Solomon, son of David, fresh from his recent match with Goliath. Samson acts as judge to the competition, with Jehosaphat jumpin' in the background.
5 B.C - Christ is born, five years before the date of his own birth. The resulting paradox of personal longevity arises from this mistake of the universe's clockwork, thereby allowing him to come back to life after being crucified by the Romans. I mean, the Jews. Uh, maybe it was Communists.
30 A.D - Shunned by their fellow disciples, St. Paul and Peter set out to discover their master's roots. Slouching towards Bethlehem, they meet up with His mother, Mary. The three form a popular singing group, minstrelling around the countryside. One of their most famous bardic dirges, "Puff the Magic Dragon", is reputed to be a veiled illusion to smoking the weeded tabershroom, ifn' y'know what I mean.
100 A.D - Socrates dies, his ghost is summoned by the Oracle of Delphi to confirm that it was, in fact, a suicide. Aristotle tutors Alexander, who later meets up with Archimedes and eventually forms a lifelong friendship with Achilles. Miffed at not being included in the group, Archie Andrews retreats to Riverdale to work at the soda fountain for Pop's Ice Cream Parlour. Cheer up, Archie, in no time at all Principal Weatherby will come along and give you a nice homework assignment. Just you wait, son, just you wait.
110 A.D - Cleopatra hides inside the Horse, then has a brief lesbian scene with Helen of Troy. Just in time for a bronzed mechanic of a man to stop by and show them how it's done, while a cheesy instrumental soundtrack plays in the background. Gosh, porn.
200 A.D - Erik the Red, Gaelic the Green, and Gandalf the White are accidentally combined into a single entity, heretofore known as Santa Claus. The amalgamated Viking/Welsh/Tolkien creature spends the next couple of centuries getting it's bearings, puzzled by it's ability to speak the language of Reindeer and the obsessive urge to make lists and check 'em twice. Eventually, the creature decides to just go with it and happily accedes to the strange impulses besetting it's poor little mind. After enslaving the elf population of both Poles, Santa spends most of the modern age amassing a vast catalogue of toys whilst practicing the art of sliding his fat ass through a chimney flue. Saint Nicholas, quite pissed at losing the opportunity to bring joy to children everywhere, spends the rest of his natural life in a tavern chewing baby meat.
10th century A.D - A number of events mark the turn of the first millenium. Lutherans battle Supermen, Atlantis sinks then floats then sinks, the Tooth Fairy dies at the hands of Anglo-Saxon hordes. After a bloody conflict with mongrel infidels, Genghis Khan and all his followers are exiled into space in cryogenic suspension on board the "Botany Bay", until they get to come back for that second movie. Christ does not return, despite the prophecies of St. John of Patmos. He wrote most of that stuff while high on an early form of quaaludes, so it's no surprise, really. The questions concerning the Christian faith that results from His absence are eventually decided by the Papacy, after the official battle royale between Nun-woman & Cardinal and Batman & Robin.
Fourteen Hundred And Ninety Two - Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He discovers America, and quite stupidly decides to call it "The New World" despite his own recognizance of the nature of the Earth. It ain't a world if it's still on the same planet, doofus! Queen Isabella doesn't care, however, and requests lots of spices and gold and plenty of native folk to replace all those Jews she and her husband cast out on the advice of that sweet monk, Torquemada.
1550 A.D - There's a war, and there's roses. Yay!
1600 A.D - William Shakespeare dies, turns gay, becomes a woman, changes his name repeatedly, and eventually splits into a dozen seperate identities.
1776 - America achieves it's independence, right after it's adolescence, just before the onset of puberty. George Washington fights the Confederation to a standstill, frees the slaves, and emancipates their proclamations. John Wilkes Phone Booth assasinates Abraham Benjamin Franklin Edison Lincoln, discoverer of electricity and the phonograph and tall stovepipe hats with funny beards.
1812 - Canada wins.
1813 - France surrenders.
1814 - Hungary starves.
1888 - Oscar Wilde, flambouyant homosexual extraordinaire, investigates the murder of Jack The Ripper. Possible suspects are George Bernard Shaw, Abraham Stoker, Prince Eddy, and Doctor Watson. H.G Wells invents the literary genre of "scientific romancesque boy's own periodical" while Jules Verne pioneers the creation of "technological escapades in G-d's language, French". Count Dracula meets the Wolfman meets Abott & Costello versus Frankenstein or Kevin Bacon.
1902 to 1929 - The world's greatest generation, bar none, is born.
1915 - the Great War is waged and won. Nobody really cares, because a GREATER one is coming up. Who makes movies about the first one, anyway?
1920 - It's the Swingin' Twenties. Or maybe it's the Roarin' Twenties. Eh, I can never remember.
1939 - Sixteen pages of Mandrake the Magician and Zar Nah the ape man and the startling debut of this Superman fellah and a coupon for a malt shake and a cutout rebate in the back and a chance to win a real merit badge, no foolin'. You're the BEST, grandpa! And I'm the GREATEST generation!
1944 - Hitler dies in a radioactive nuclear explosion and they save his brain and there's all these clones and wow indiana jones sure kicks ass and then this is the best part....
1963 - John F. Kennedy is killed. By the mafia. And the CIA. A bit of help from the Cubans, too. A few Jews. Not too many Romans. Pretty sure there were Communists, though.
1969 - Woodstock brought new meaning to the "hippie hippie shake".
1975 - I don't need to read no historical timeline. I've got the hit sitcom "THAT 70's SHOW" to tell me what happened during this landmark decade.
1985 - I don't need to read no historical timeline. I've got the failed sitcom "THAT 80s SHOW" to tell me what happened during this landmark decade, all three episodes of it.
1990 to 200 - It's all a blurr. Perestroika. Berlin Wall. Barney. Gulf War. Spice Girls. Tammagotchi. Princess Di. Reagonomics. George Bush. George Bush, The Sequel. Did anything actually important happen?
November 6th, 2002, 3:13 A.M - So very, very tired.
Edited by: The Ray at: 11/6/02 3:18:08 am
Not with a bang, but with a -PHSSSSS-
The lack of easy emoticon use will eventually bring DsotM to it's under-evolved knees. You know it, I know it, and all our unseen iconic friends know it too. I think I'll miss "Retarded Ponytail Swing-Round Four Times" and "Urinating Into Distance While Cape Swings Majestically Behind" most of all.
do not go gently into that good night
i say :hero is almost as evocative as the actual image itself. we all know what it looks like. who needs direct representation? the buddhists didn't. for a while. besides, it brings us together as a community, we can be all touchy-feely-close because we and only we are privy to this private information.
2003, early - Funeral of Old Toby. Wynton Marsalis is there.
2003, late - Using secret weapons and prophecies from a milennia-old tacticus, Iraq launches a pre-emptive strike on the United States. The offensive tactics and disregard for known rules by Iraq forces the overly cautious United States to succumb after a long and drawn out conflict. The Hungry Hungry Hippoes board game is then put away and Baghdad is nuked into a fine, gooey paste. May contain traces of peanuts.
2008 - KISS launches their final and ultimate, they promise, "Farewell To Farewell Tours Tour."
2009 - KISS launches their "Toodle-Oo Tour". 80,000 expected to attend, all fucking morons.
2012 - Haley Joel Osment, no longer cute anymore and not such a great actor when you compare him to actual adults, commits a very elaborate suicide by shooting himself with ten guns at shoulder height that he must've set up around the room, and one sniper rifle he set up very precisely from a long way away. Curiously, none of the weapons nor any suicide note was found. Police aren't looking into it and have refused protection to the guy who used to play Malcolm on Malcolm in the Middle.
2136 - The Pacific fuses with the Atlantic fuses with the Himalayas fuses with what is love baby don't hurt me fuses with the Olsen Twins. Catastrophe.
2234 - The Ray becomes the elected lord and sex god of the world. Flying past a blue moon in his Pig Airlines private jet, he continues his trend of slapping the whoreish face of history and declares a restart of our calendar. KISS reforms in disgust at the ruling.
May 23rd, 1 -The Simpsons, now a sci-drama docu-fi melo-noir miniseries of feature length films about boxing declares this is the tenth last season they will do. The 334rd season gets underway tonight with "Episode ZZZZZZZL - What if Homer were an Archaeopteryx?"
7 - The search for intelligent life elsewhere ends in conclusive failure. Sure there's Martians, but they're like total retards.
18 - The Dark Knight returns once more, but this time he has a heart attack pretty quick.
4 - KISS introduces an all-clone lineup, a first, seeing as the Stones have at least three androids and one Zombie King.
Milkman Dan's Historical Timeline
this is how the world ends, eh?
Not with a bang, but with a -PHSSSSS-
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