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Earthling
Posts: 25
(3/31/06 4:35)
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Mea Culpa
I offer my sincerest apologies to the men and women of #silk&steel and its discussion forum. Likewise, I offer heartfelt apologies to the members of the Gorean Public Board for having indulged in many of the same feints and deceptions that, unfortunately, typified my interaction with #silk&steel. If contributors to the Gorean Fellowship forum have taken offense to all that’s been revealed—and it certainly seems some have—my apologies are also extended to them, sincerely and with great regard. Undoubtedly, there are folks out there, not affiliated with the three aforementioned groups, who also suffered my fallacies, though I cannot remember each of them—but I’d offer my contrition to each and every one, if possible.
This is a difficult subject to broach, but, at the time of my involvement with #silk&steel and the GPB, I was a very troubled man, beset by an un-medicated mental illness and galloping alcoholism. My marriage was failing and my efforts to attain a Ph.D. in Comparative Literature had crashed and burned on the shoals of both problems. Over a period of three or four years, a tissue of imposture increasingly enmeshed me—often manifested on the Internet, as I was employed as a Web Developer at the time and had constant access to the Net. In fact, my whole life was, by that time, the Internet; crippling self-doubt and ceaseless anxiety had reduced my human interaction to bits and bytes. I’d lost nearly all my friends, my wife and I were separated, and I had no contact with my daughter—cyberspace became my raison d'être and allowed me to escape the person I was and to adopt an entirely new persona.
Sadly, I radically abused the privilege, especially with regard to the Gorean community.
I came into the community under false pretenses and initially glad-handed every Gorean I met. In addition, I’d previously caused a debacle on Livejournal and led many people down the garden path of my vivid imagination and rank unwillingness to be the person I was. During those years, I assumed many guises and told many false stories, most notably—for present purposes—Dr. Julian/Kaius/Julian Fox/Nathaniel Fox, various personalities I’d created for interaction with Gorean and music communities. I’d read many of Norman’s books, enjoying them while intellectually rejecting the worldview his writings seemed to evoke. I do not identify as a Gorean and, despite my misrepresentations, did not then. I was, however, interested in dialogue with Goreans. (It should be noted, however, that my statement, "I have for these three or so years considered the Silk&Steel website to be the definitive online resource for accurate information regarding things Gorean," was genuine and that, in fact, I’d read Marcus’s essays with great fascination.)
A few years have passed. I’m now receiving treatment for bipolar disorder and am actively involved with Alcoholics Anonymous, my sobriety date August 1st, 2003. I’ve suffered grave financial setbacks, and was homeless throughout 2003, but I’ve begun a steady climb back. I’m preparing to reenter doctoral studies and my wife and I have reconciled. Much work remains to be done, and I must admit (to myself as much as to anyone else) that mistakes, errors, and lapses of judgement in the past will haunt me for a long time to come—perhaps forever. But I’m now intent on avoiding the furtherance of those mistakes and presenting myself truthfully and with grace.
Again, I’m deeply sorry for the actions I’ve committed in these various Gorean venues.
I’ll reaffirm that I do not cleave to the Gorean philosophy and, in fact, find it flawed. I’d love to debate its ins-and-outs with thoughtful Goreans, but certainly understand if none wish to treat with me, and will keep my arguments outside the sphere of this forum. It is true, as I stated earlier in this thread, that I can respect many Goreans—for their intelligence, commitment to honor, and sense of responsibility, as these are qualities I’d like to observe in my own life now—while disagreeing with certain of their views. I will continue to write pieces detailing my objections, though I don’t want to further indulge in the childish polemics evident on XSha Tell’s site. This is my solemn promise.
I was walking down the street, Ana caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. |
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