Leaving“Finally,” *Lyddie said to no one in particular, muttering the word in an almost relieved sort of tone as she stepped out of the carriage, giving the handle of her trunk a good hard yank and pulled it out behind her. The battered thing was weightless thanks to a charm, but it was still very tedious to have to drag it all over the place. Today was always a hectic day, no matter what; finally, the end of the Hogwarts term had come, after feeling so stretched out in her mind, trailing on endlessly day after day until she wanted to rip her hair out. But today, it would all end, and she could spend two whole months free of homework, students, teachers, and other academic duties – for the most part, anyways. The teachers always gave homework, no matter what, and this year seemed to be no exception despite the numerous events that had plagued the school over the past seven or so months. It was like a breath of freedom after being chained in a dungeon for a year, a walk in the sunlight after endless days of thunder and lightning and not a white cloud in the sky…Pushing some stray hairs out of her face, Lyddie began heading down the little path towards the station, like so many other students around her, and for the first time in months she didn’t feel like she was standing out at all in any way, no one was stopping and staring at her with the glint of fear in their eyes. She was just an ordinary student, like all the other ones, ready to go. Not to go home – in truth, Lyddie really didn’t have a home, unless you could count the Crowe’s Nest where a nice warm bed and maybe a cup of hot apple cinnamon tea was waiting – but just to go.*
*As she turned her head from side to side, searching to a certain face, she jumped at the sound of a loud squawk and there came Hartley, his red eyes wide and eager to see his master, hooting deeply and landing on her shoulder without warning. Lyddie let out a short cry and steadied herself as the eagle owl landed, grateful that he hadn’t chosen to land on her head like he enjoyed doing quite often. Gripped in his talons was a rolled up piece of parchment, tied with a bit of green ribbon, Lyddie’s own name spelled out in drawling cursive she recognized as her brother’s. She dropped the trunk down next to her, and pulled off the ribbon which she gave to Hartley. The owl too the bait, tossing it up in the air with his beak and immediately becoming occupied, hopping around on the ground and pecking at the ribbon while students dodged him and he screeched and hissed at the passerby as though everything were entirely their fault.*
“Going to be the bearer of bad news today, ain’tcha Hartley,” *Lyddie murmured to the owl, who didn’t hear her. News from Aaric, scarce as it was, was never good, and a sinking feeling in her stomach told Lyddie this was going to be no different. Biting the inside of her lip, the flesh long since raw from the habit, Lyddie unrolled the letter, her eyes meeting the bright, green ink.*
Dear Lyddie –
I guess this is probably a bad time to be writing this, and more short notice than I thought it’d end up to be, but I figured that it’s worth telling you anyway. We haven’t talked all that much at all since I came here, and I’ve been spending a lot of time to myself, thinking over some things. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I guess, well, I really don’t belong here at Hogwarts. You do, I can tell easily; everyone knows who you are, whether they like you or not, and you can just slide into place here so much more easily. But me, I’ve never really been at home in Britain, or at Hogwarts. Everything just feels…detached.
So I’m writing this letter to tell you that after today – June 31st, 2003, the last day of our Hogwarts term – you won’t be seeing me around anymore. And I mean, at all. I wrote a letter a while ago and sent it overseas to Miss Myrna Danby. You remember Danby, I’m sure – she’s still the principal of Chasse Etoile, even after all this time. But anyway, she was delighted to hear from me, not so delighted to find out that mom and dad had both passed away, but I had asked her if I could return to America to finish up schooling there, and she said sure. They allow kids to stay at the school over the summer now, just if they feel like it, and she also said if I didn’t want to do that I could always stay in Altamont. They’ve got a bed and breakfast now; it’s where the travel agency used to be. She can pull some strings and get me a room no problem.
So that’s about it, I guess. She did ask about how you were doing; I just said you were alright, having some trouble with what happened with mom and dad but dealing with it. I think she probably saw the papers; she said there’d been a lot of weird storied pouring out of Britain since last November about Hogwarts being blown up and stuff like that. She even wondered if you wanted to move back with me, but I told her that you probably wouldn’t be too keen on getting uprooted again. So anyways…Bye, I guess.
Sincerely,
Aaric
“…Great,” *Lyddie whispered.* “Well, that’s just great.” *She folded the letter with trembling fingers and slid it into the back pocket of her pants, turning around and looking down at Hartley, who she hissed at almost angrily. The bird cocked its head to one side, then took the ribbon in its talons and came up on her shoulder. She sighed, petting him on the head and letting him peck through her hair, knowing it wasn’t going to be any harm. Kneeling down, she opened up her trunk and pulled out the owl’s cage that was lying on its side underneath a pile of shirts, and closing the trunk, opened up the door. Hartley hooted in protest, but Lyddie pointed firmly at the door and he bobbed down her arm and went in the cage, hissing back at her while she locked the door. As she stood, picking up her things and moving towards the train, she paused as soon as she opened the door of an empty compartment, for her eyes had caught a glimpse of her brother, who she had been so far from since he had arrived, and now he was leaving…Aaric must have seen Lyddie as well, for he stopped and looked back for a moment. Timidly, Lyddie raised a hand and waved briefly, only moving her fingers.* “Bye, Aaric…” *she said softly, knowing he couldn’t hear. He only nodded to her, and then climbed into his own compartment. Lyddie breathed in and out deeply, picking up her trunk and pushing it up into the compartment. First Victor, now Aaric…and her mind drifted further still, into other things. People whom she had grown close to would be gone. Eclipse, Loki, Ryleigh, maybe even Peregrin…and if she couldn’t solve things today, even Wren…climbing up into the compartment, Lyddie realized for the first time in life…she was really beginning to feel alone.*
((Laa, cheesy....Jane, your reply *nids*))
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
*Hazle took her luggage from the coach, and waited for Wren to get hers, leading the way onto the train. She glanced down the platform, taking note of where Lyddie went before opening the train door and floating her luggage on board.*
"Come on Wren. You are going to have to pick up the pace a little if you want us to be able to find our own compartment," she said, impatient.
*Wren didn’t know it but there was a plan in progress even then, that hinged on Wren and Hazle getting a compartment all to themselves. It wouldn’t work if there was outside interference, and it was essential that this work. Wren would never admit it, but she was falling apart on the inside, bit by bit. If something wasn’t done soon her repressed emotions would tear her limb from limb, and Hazle with her.*
"Here. In here," Hazle said, as they reached the first compartment in the train.
*She ushered Wren in before her, but sent her own luggage in ahead of her sister, floating it down underneath the seat on the left hand side of the compartment. She sighed and stepped into the compartment to allow Wren in realizing that she was in her sister’s way.*
((Heh... he could always stay in Altamont Eh?))
"Without the Pretty pink ribbon,
You'd say just what you pleased...
Your demons would all be around,
Without the pretty pink ribbon,
You'd end up just like me!" ~ Cake "Pretty Pink Ribbon"
Re: Leaving
*Wren sighed, and floated her luggage under the right hand seats, except her trunk, which she left near the middle of the compartment. She knelt down and pulled out a book, before sliding the trunk under the seat. She didn’t think of Lyddie, or Eclipse, or Violet or any of her friends. Eclipse had graduated, and Lyddie wasn’t talking to her, and she hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Violet in a while. No, Wren had no friends left. It wasn’t surprising. She was not the same girl she once was, the charismatic, confidant bright and sunny girl that had come to Hogwarts all star eyed and full of wonder.
*The past few years had stripped her of much of her wonder and joy. The first year was a dream, hanging round with Ali, Violet and Savanah, she was amongst the popular ones in the school for the first time in her life. She was on top of the world and no one could bring her down... but the second year. Pippin, Lyddie, Eclipse, and Loki... all arrived, and, joining Victor and Ryleigh, they formed the power six. Wren’s time in the sun was over, and the power six were the names known by all. By the end of that year... As Savanah left, and Wren spent more and more time trying to keep Lyddie from getting herself killed, she ceased to be known as 'Wren Alexander' and became, 'Lyddie’s Friend.
*Over the next 2 years... Everything changed... The world was no longer a bright and sunny place to Wren Alexander. It was a dark dismal place that she had been sheltered from for so many years, and that she had only come to see when she came to Hogwarts. Wren has skated by for so long, and it was no wonder the rest of the world went on without her, they had no used for a cheery naïve person like her... Still over that time, she became known again, by her own name, she couldn’t simply be 'Lyddie’s Friend' when she did so much on her own then. When she was kidnapped alone, and when Lyddie killed her... no. Wren was Wren again.
*She was Wren the stabilizer, who could always find a rational end to a conflict; Wren the defender, who would fight tooth and nail to protect not just the smaller and weaker but anyone who needed it; Wren the smart one, who got good marks in all her classes, and could be counted on to know the answers on the homework; and Wren, the Prefect, who could always be counted on to be there when things were rough. She was Wren the hypocrite... who lived for the acceptance of others while denouncing the idea of popularity; who selflessly gave of herself just to feel special; who touted her independence while longing for love...
*She sat down and opened her book, eyes flitting along the lines soaking in each word, and drawing her into the alternate world in her book. Books were her only true joy anymore. They were always there, and they never betrayed her, and they were always so willing to take her away from her own thoughts, which she had no right to be having.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
*Hazle sadly observed her sister. She remembered the day that they had got their letters. Wren had been so happy, she had been so hyper and bouncy and gleeful. That was gone from her how, inside. She attempted desperately to continue to project the same image, but Hazle knew how terribly she was hurting inside... and that was why she had to do what she had to do. She took her wand from her trunk, casting one last sad glance at her sister, and then she stepped out of the compartment. . .*
"I'll be right back Wren!" She called over her shoulder as she walked off down the hall.
*She continued down the hall, until she came to the right compartment and she opened the door. It was time for her to put into action the plan that she had made with Lyddie the night before. Much as it pained her to think of it, she was going to try to reunite the duo. . . despite her clear and ever present dislike of Lyddie. Wren needed this. Otherwise there was no way in hell she would ever conspire with this freak. But... Lyddie saw it too, saw Wren's pain... and maybey, just maybe she could do something about it.*
"You almost ready?" she asked, poking her head inside the compartment. "Uh... just like we planned?"
"Without the Pretty pink ribbon,
You'd say just what you pleased...
Your demons would all be around,
Without the pretty pink ribbon,
You'd end up just like me!" ~ Cake "Pretty Pink Ribbon"
Re: Leaving
"Hang on a second, I just got in here..." *Lyddie muttered, closing and locking the outside door of the compartment. She knelt down and flipped open her trunk which was propped up against one of the seats, digging past books, potions ingredients, and numerous articles of clothing until down near the bottom she saw the long, narrow case. She grabbed it and opened it, taking out her wand which she stuffed inside a pocket of her wool jacket, shutting the trunk and hearing all three of its locks click at once.*
"Alright..." *Lyddie said, standing up straight again.* "Ready...And yeah, just like we planned." *she nodded her head, the action stern like her words. Lyddie was taking this almost as seriously as she would a battle; and it was, in a sense, a battle...but a battle against a mind, a mental war, nothing to leave physical cuts or bruises, but still...damage could be done. Good damage, or bad.*
"If you want, you can come back here or go find Alex after you 'lock us in'," *she continued, making little finger quotations in the air for the last three words,* "Push past me Push past me and get me in the compartment when I'm in the doorway, and then slam it FAST. If I don't have enough time, I can't lock it on time."
((Laa, just moving it along *is squishing dialogue* XD))
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
"Right... right... push past you in the hall... get outside the door, when you step in... slam the door," Hazle recited back the plan as they had discussed it that morning as they finished packing.
*Hazle pulled her wand out of her skirt's waistband, fingering it though she wasn't gonna use it. It should look like she did, and it certainly wouldn’t look like that if she had it still ticked in the waistband of her skirt. Wren would never fall for that. And it was vitally important that Wren not know she was being played. She had to trust that Lyddie did not want to be there any more than she did. She would never be receptive to the idea that Lyddie truly wanted to be around her, not after the way that Lyddie had treated her that day in the Great Hall.
"Don't be surprised if it takes a while... You're gonna have to realy stress her out... but don't push, or she’ll clam up even more... That's important Lyddie... DON'T PUSH."
*She didn’t know how to make it clear enough. If she was pushed, if Lyddie went to far... to fast, Wren would snap, she would snap and she would do something she would regret... she would hurt herself, or Lyddie, or maybe just the compartment. But either way she would be ashamed of herself afterward, so ashamed that Hazle was certain that she would lapse deeper into her internalized state. It would be twice as hard to get her back... they might even have to resort to professional help, and Wren would never agree to that. She would have to first admit that there was something wrong, and the chances of the happening where slim to none.*
((I GOT EZSUPORTER!!! As a GIFT!!!! *Coughs.* I don't use the little yellow Icon though, cause it's terribly unsightly...))
"Without the Pretty pink ribbon,
You'd say just what you pleased...
Your demons would all be around,
Without the pretty pink ribbon,
You'd end up just like me!" ~ Cake "Pretty Pink Ribbon"
Re: Leaving
"Hazle, I know, don't worry about a thing," *Lyddie assured the girl, sensing that Hazle was just about as nervous as she was, but Lyddie wasn't about to let Hazle see that, for fear that the girl might think she wasn't up to this, and she wouldn't trust her to be in the same room as her sister. True, Hazle probably didn't already, this could very well be just a last resort...but either way, Lyddie was going to keep her confidence up best she could, even if it turned into an act.*
"I've known this girl since I was what, five? I'll only push it if I have to, which it hopefully won't come to." *Lyddie smoothed her jacket out with her hands, pushing the hair that wouldn't stay in place behind her ears anyway, closing her eyes for a minute and taking in one last deep breath. She could do this...she could, that was all she had to keep saying, that she could do this.*
"Okay, ready." *And the act began, Lyddie moving past Hazle into the hall, wandering down the narrow corridor of the traincar, pretending to look around into the compartments as though she were trying to find one for herself, chewing a little on her tongue, mouthing "Ohh!" to herself as she saw Wren's, acting like she thought it was empty, turning into the doorway, the little smile on her face dropping into a confused, jittery sort of stuttering.*
"Wren...ah...uh...um...sorry...guess this compartment isn't free...I'll just...um...go...."
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
*Right on cue Hazle stepped into clear view, behind Lyddie, ‘blocking’ her exit, and, brandishing her wand, she slammed the door with her right hand while shouting a nonsense word and waving her wand with her left.*
“Stoppadur!!!”
*It was lame, and she knew it, but it was the only incantation she could think of at the moment that didn’t actually mean anything. As the door closed, she fell against the wall, and went to go find Alex... she fingered the handle of Wren’s knife, silently praying that Lyddie would succeed. If she did not, Hazle would have to spend all summer making sure that Wren didn’t do ‘Something Stupid.’ It was really the last thing that Hazle wanted to be spending her time doing. Since the ‘just friends’ date with Eclipse at the ball for Wren had turned out to be nothing more than what she had said it would, she was going to have to resort to a backup plan to find Wren someone special. She knew just the person to ask... it shouldn’t be to hard if she could just get near him with out him running away before she got the chance to talk to him. That would be the challenge.*
"Without the Pretty pink ribbon,
You'd say just what you pleased...
Your demons would all be around,
Without the pretty pink ribbon,
You'd end up just like me!" ~ Cake "Pretty Pink Ribbon"
Re: Leaving
*Wren barely looked up from her book. She didn’t want to meet Lyddie’s eyes, she didn’t want to do anything that might be misconstrued as a come on, knowing that Lyddie knew abut her. But, out of the corner of her eyes she saw Hazle... and she saw her slam the door. Dropping her book she stood up quickly, pulling out her wand.*
"Hazle NO!" she shouted, starting for the door.
*She was no about to let Hazle lock her in here alone with Lyddie. Her will to live was to strong. If Lyddie didn’t kill her, for being the freak that she was, the awkwardness of the situation would, and if that didn’t work, she might possibly have to do herself in. ‘No,’ she thought, as quickly as the thought came to her, ’Not with Lyddie in the room. That’s the last thing she needs to see.’ She had to get that door unlocked.
*She paused for a moment, not quite sure how to get around Lyddie, without brushing up against her... that would be a major foe pax, any touch might be cause for Lyddie to freak out. No she was not going to do that to her best friend... former best friend. Lyddie no longer wanted to be around her. She had made that quite clear. Wren repulsed her.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
"OW! What the hell?!" *As Hazle slammed the door Lyddie was knocked to the floor, rubbing the back of her head.* Nice one, Hazz... *she thought rather darkly, but climbed to her feet and held her hand out, as if to keep Wren where she was, looking at the girl with a serious tint to her eyes.*
"Don't..." *Lyddie said bitterly, turning around and pulling out her wand, staring at the lock, tapping the door handle twice before casting the spell the third time she touched the lock with an almost exaggerated action with her arm, saying,* "Cataract Inuis!" *quietly as she could, then grinning stupidly as though she had unlocked it, wrapping her fingers around the door handle ready to open it, and frustration came over her face as it didn't open, but remained stuck.*
"Great!" *Lyddie shouted, kicking the door in a way she thought could be quite 'her' at times.* "Just great! I don't believe this, what the hell did she do to the stupid door?!"
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
*Wren froze, as Lyddie reached out, and nearly touched her... even if it was to push her away. She didn't think that would ever happen again. She nearly cried. It only served to remind her she would never feel that hand on her again. Unless there was some freak accident in the future where Wren was justified in reaching out to stop Lyddie falling off a cliff, or they would up accidentally near one another in a thick crowd that jostled them together. It would never happen... and chances are the latter would never happen anyhow... Wren would forever be n the lookout to make sure that it didn’t. That was just another part of her robotic instinct now.
*Instead she simply stared as Lyddie tried to unlock the door, and heard the soft click... but when Lyddie tried the door, it didn’t budge. Something other than the lock was stopping the door from opening. Something that even Lyddie could not undo. Wren was amazed that Hazle had been able to do that. Obviously some planning had gone into this cruel prank. Wren made a mental note to put Hazle’s hand in a bowl of warm water next time she had friends to sleep over.*
"Maybe she used an impediment hex... instead of a lock," she suggested quietly; it was the only other thing she could think of that Hazle might know.
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
"I don't know...I doubt Hazle's got enough of a brain to think of something like that..." *Lyddie said, trying to skirt around the fact that she had in truth actually locked the door, trying to think of something that was likely in terms of Hazle while stuffing her wand back into her coat pocket.* "Nah, she'd skip over that and just go for the last thing we'd think of. We probably don't even know what it was."
*She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the door, crying out shortly as the train started up and she was hurled into one of the seats, something she hadn't been expecting as she bumped her head on the cushion that wasn't very soft at all.*
"Oww..." *Lyddie whined quietly, rubbing her head and beginning to pull herself back up from the floor where half of her was sprawled out, her upper body leaning against the seat.*
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
*Wren resisted her instinct to rush to Lyddie's side, and tend to the wound, to coddle Lyddie and take care of her. It was an instinct that she had learned, over many years to stifle. She never wanted to make Lyddie feel like a baby. Even when she did give in to her desire to take care of Lyddie, she never did anything so extreme as what she wanted to do. Now especially, since Lyddie knew... she could not. Instead she sat back down, on the opposite corner of the compartment, near the window. For many minutes she stared off into the fields... but eventually she spoke.*
"I swear to you," she said still looking out the window, "I had nothing to do with this. I would never-"
*She gestured toward the door, unable to put into words exactly the nature of what it was that was going on, but she certainly didn’t want Lyddie to think that she was in any way involved, that this was some sick attempt to pin her into a situation from which she could not escape, where Wren could have her way with her. That was most likely Hazle’s thinking... but she would not do that, and she would not let Lyddie think that she would. Because she wouldn’t. It wouldn’t mean anything if she was forced, it would be a violation of Lyddie, and Wren was not about to do that. She would not violate her best friends personal space.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
"I never said you did," *Lyddie said, a little irritably, clambering up into the seat in a more comfortable position and bringing her knees up to her chin in a small, seated in the furthest corner from Wren a person could possibly be in, one arm wrapped around both her legs while she picked at a hangnail on the other hand with her teeth, crinkling her nose as she painfully detached it from the rest of her finger, staring down at her finger that was beginning to bleed a little and holding onto that hand with the other, keeping herself steadier now that both hands were holding onto her legs.*
"If anything, Hazle's already found a way to make this entirely my fault. She's good at doing things like that, y'know?"
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
"It's not your fault... you’re the victim here,' said Wren, turning her head from the window to face Lyddie.
"We both are," said Lyddie.
"Not really... You're the one trapped in a train car with a freak on the loose."
*Wren returned her gaze to the window, pulling up her knees to her chest and leaning over them. How wrong Lyddie was, Wren didn’t even understand where to BEGIN explaining. Wren was NOT a victim. No one MADE Wren the way when was, she was just the way she was… a freak… something that aught not be, a terrible, terrible sinner and more. It was entirely her fault and there was simply nothing to be said about it. No one could MAKE a person sick like this. It certainly wasn’t her parents. It had been drilled into her since she was 12 that being gay was simply not an option, that she would be quite simply disowned if they ever found out that she was in a relationship with a member of her own gender. No… this. Like every other hardship in her life, was simply her own fault. Wren was not and never would be a victim. Her life was too good for that.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
"Well, that's funny, I don't see Peregrin anywhere..." *Lyddie's eyes wandered around the compartment briefly, as if to make a joke, but she could tell her friend failed to see the humor in just about anything she might say now, so she sighed, dropping one leg down and still holding onto the other one.*
"By the way, um...never got this clarified but kinda figured it out myself...I'm not stayin' with you guys, am I."
"Uh... no. No you're not..." Wren said, and Lyddie could see that she indeed was going to take everything that dripped out of her mouth as seriously as a general.* "It's not like..."
"No, it'll be okay," *Lyddie assured her, though when she thought about it, it was a little disappointing; she felt bad, when she looked back on last summer and how she had taken the opportunity to stay with the Alexanders as an advantage, and now she was back where she had started her first summer out of school in Britain, feeling rather alone with herself in the Nest.* I'll be at the Nest, like I was the first summer I was here...maybe the Leaky Cauldron...but yeah, I schpose I don't blame your parents for it....I mean, if someone killed my kid I wouldn't wanna live with 'em either....it ain't your fault, don't worry about it." *She looked past Wren, out the window at the green hills that were now rolling by, squinting as the sun hit her eyes, chewing just a little on the inside of her lip.*
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
"It's better that way anyhow..." Wren said, still staring out the window, assuming that Lyddie would know precisely what she meant.
*She caught sight of Lyddie's pale reflection in the glass, and without knowing it began to stare... her heart poured out through her eyes, some barely conscious part of her assuming that Lyddie couldn’t see her reflection, because she was too close to the window, so her own reflection would be obscured by her actual face, not taking into account the angles they were sitting at, and the law of reflection that stated that if you could see someone’s eyes in their reflection in a mirror. . . then they could see yours.*
"I guess..." In the window Wren saw Lyddie's face pink, and her eyes look away. "But it's not your fault...it isn't," Lyddie said, her voice became quieter with those words, and she stared down at the toes of her boots.
"Isn't it?" Wren said, realizing that she was staring, and turning her gaze to the hills outside once more.
*The only one responsible for any hardships in Wren’s life was Wren. All hardship in her life was her own fault, and therefore no one aught feel bad for her. Not even her. And still… she DID feel bad for herself… which teneded to leave her feeling guilty for feeling badly, and then feeling badly for feeling guilty for feeling badly… and then guilty for feeling badly for feeling guilty for feeling badly… and it went on and on and on, and she ground herself into a ditch.
* There was a time when she was able to push all of that away, when she was sure of who she was and confidant that she was in control of her life. Life was only 10% what happened to her and 90% how she dealt with it, but… she was dealing entirely on logic before, easy enough when she was young. But now, now she was growing and her heart demanded to be heard. Nothing worked out anymore. Everything was blown out of how it aught to be. No longer could she even trust her own mind, as she found herself thinking things she did not want to be thinking, and feeling things she knew it was wrong to feel… but… Wren was supposed to be the one who knew what she was doing. The rock that other people could lean on. The unchanging standard, and voice of logic… everyone’s mother away from home… and she failed.*
"You don't know the half of it..." she added, speaking, but not wanting too, unable to fight the part of her that wanted so badly to be loved, even if only in pity, but realizing that she was speaking, she immediately turned the tenor of the statement around… desperate once more to protect Lyddie, "You can't understand what I’ve done… But this IS my fault… If I told you why... it would only hurt you... can't you see that? You... you can never know... never know..."
*She faded out, pulling her legs tighter to her and squeezing her eyes shut... bottling up everything. She could not feel anything, anything at all for Lyddie... Anger, Hatred... those would hurt Lyddie... compassion, kindness... love... those would hurt her too, because they were not natural. They were wrong feelings, and they would only make Lyddie uncomfortable. She rocked gently back and forth, gritting her teeth together, to stop heself from crying out in frustration. She would not, could not Cry in front of Lyddie.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
"Wren..." *Through gritted teeth, Lyddie sucked in a breath, sounding as though she were sighing. Her shoulders heaved a bit too, and she lowered the other leg her arms were still clutching close, crossing one leg over the other and leaning down on them, trying to get a clearer look at the face of the girl she was so desperately trying to get to listen to her, to at least stop telling herself that she was wrong.* "...I think as your best friend, I've got a right to know these things. Now I know what you said then...and I think I might have overreacted at that, really I do. Part of letting these things out is knowing they might hurt people sometimes. But don't do this...don't bottle it up. It doesn't solve anything."
No, it doesn't help... *Lyddie was reminded of herself bitterly, the girl who she was still trying to escape from being. That girl was miserable, that girl held her emotions hostage inside of her and refused to let them free for fear of endangerment to her life. Lyddie didn't want to be that girl, and couldn't stand the idea of anyone being that sort of person because she knew the emotional pain it brought, the lengthy and volumous problems it created. Pain made more pain...just as it had with her, and as it was doing with Wren.*
"No, no, no!" *Wren protested, curling herself up forever tighter.* "No. There is nothing that you need to know. Nothing. Nothing that my big mouth hasn't already gone and said! Just stay over there, and when we get to London...you...you go on with your life."
"Why?" *Lyddie asked, knowing the tone was harder and louder than she had meant it to be, standing up right where she was with her hands clenched into fists.* ""Why should I stay in a corner and sulk and try and move on with myself when you and I both know perfectly well that I have a right to know?"
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
*She could not tell Lyddie… she could not tell her the things that she though about her… they were sick… She wanted to hold Lyddie, and stroke her wonderful hair, and kiss her soft beautiful lips. She wanted to lay with her by the fire, and hold Lyddie close to herself, and feel the other girl’s heart beat. To lay so very close to her, and feel her warm breath on her cheek, to nibble gently on Lyddie’s earlobes and lick them, and taste her soft skin… she wanted to make Lyddie hang all over her like she hung all over Victor, to protect her from all things bad and keep her forever and ever safe and warm someplace where no one could ever get at her… while, in the past she had indulged these feelings, putting an arm around her friend… stroking Lyddie’s soft hair in comport… innocent hugs. It always left her feeling sick inside. Guilty. Though she managed to keep the worse thoughts at bay, when Lyddie was in her presence, they still came to her late at nigh when she stared a the ceiling, unable to sleep… then when she realized what she was thinking… she silently berated herself… truly unable to sleep with guilt. Oh how she had wanted so much to do things for Lyddie… TO Lyddie… She wanted her to love her… but… Lyddie could NEVER NEVER KNOW…*
*Wren looked up from her knees, at the question. Lyddie was taking it all wrong. She wasn’t supposed to sulk... She was supposed to be angry… she was supposed to understand that Wren had done things that could not be forgiven, that there was no way she could ever make up for it, that she could ever do anything to undo the damage that she had done to their friendship. Wren had come to understand that long ago... she had even tried to take her life, but she knew that would only upset other people... so she couldn’t go through with it.*
"It is MY fault..." she explained, "I... I've thought things about you... things no friend should ever think of her friend... Things... things no girl should ever think about another..."
*Her eyes met Lyddie’s, cold, empty, and factual, in actually they were burning with hatred, but since it was turned inward, that's not how it looked. Wren was firm with her answer; not thinking that it might sound sick only thinking that it would stop Lyddie feeling even remotely sorry for her. She wanted Lyddie mad at her… it was the only way to keep Lyddie from feeling pain over the fact that she no longer wanted to be near Wren. Wren needed Lyddie to be able to go on with her life, without her. She needed Lyddie to be justified in her decision.*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
Re: Leaving
"I know that already...But there are some things...some things that a person just can't control," *Lyddie said, digging through her thoughts, trying to find something, now beginning to be frantic with her attempts to string convincing words together without getting Wren's constant denial.* "I couldn't control what I did to the school, I couldn't control when I fell in love with Victor, nor when I thought I had done the same for Phillip." *At the mention of Phillip's name she seemed to pause, almost in disbelief of herself that she could sink to such a depth that she would even speak the bastard's name.* "...It just happens." *Lyddie recrossed her arms.*
"It's MY mind..." *Wren said.* "I'm supposed to be in control of it. But I'm not... Not even now."
"That's what everyone thinks, that you're supposed to control what you think," *Lyddie pressed.* "But can you, truly? Everything in the world that you come across, your mind has the instinct to react to instantly, whether you want it to or not. You can't blame yourself for something that just happens."
Killing the Fire :: You Kill My Desire I Don't Need You Anymore
Re: Leaving
*It frustrated Wren so that she could not control her own mind, that even now, even here in Lyddie’s presence, she still longed to go over to Lyddie, to brush her hair behind her ear, and nuzzle her face into the soft spot where her jaw met her neck, to be held there, and cry.... She squeezed her eyes, dispelling that thought... rarely did she think like that. She didn’t want to so much as think of burdening Lyddie with her pains. Especially when she knew, that Lyddie wanted no such thing. *
"You do," Wren said, "You say you don't... but you do, in your heart. I know you. I see it in your eyes... in your body language. I touch you... you flinch... you always will now... because you know and I know; I'm a sick freak."
*She turned her face back to the window. She realized after she said it, how that sounded… it sounded like she wanted pity. She did… deep down. She wanted Lyddie to know how badly it hurt her that she did that. How much she wanted to be able to go back to before she said that, when she didn’t have to walk on eggshells to keep from making a move that might be misconstrued as something sexual. There were so many parts of romantic love that were not even remotely related to that, that she wished she could still express… protectiveness, compassion and comfort… friendship. All of those were complicated now.
*Did Lyddie know, as Wren now did, that when she comforted Lyddie all those times, whether with a hug, or a gentle hand in her hair, that it had been, even if Wren didn’t realize it at the time, as much for herself as for Lyddie? That in holding her to her, in a way that Wren had believed for so long was maternal, she had always felt, even when Lyddie’s pain was racking her heart, a sense of warmth and perfection that she felt no other time? That she LIVED to take away all the pain that Lyddie felt, and make everything ok for her... it was her greatest joy... and now, now that she could never feel that again, it was her greatest pain. No one would ever again need her like Lyddie had...*
"I'm always on my own. I can show a smile. It's not hard to do.
I can have the strength to go on... But sometime I wanna let go of everything." ~ "You are Not Alone" The Vision of Escaflowne; The Movie
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