Quote: RCAllen00: Heh. Friends, when you get right down to it, is an exceptionally creepy show. HamsterVladimir: how so? HamsterVladimir: I mean, sure it's creepy that these 6 people have absolutely nothing else to do....but why else? RCAllen00: Well, it wasn't so creepy in the beginning. It just became creepy over time. RCAllen00: These folks, after thoroughly experiencing the ups and downs of the single life, and having no luck at attracting a prospective mate, are slowly turning on each other. RCAllen00: Seems a tad...incestuous. HamsterVladimir: Yes, almost... RCAllen00: It's weird, no? Also, the complete lack of any minorities or ethnicities on the show makes it seem like they live in some sort of white supremacist fantasy world. RCAllen00: I mean, it's New York! There are black people in New York! I saw a few! I took photos to prove it! HamsterVladimir: There is the occasional token black extra. RCAllen00: Still, creepy. And, according to science, these people should all be dead for years now from the godawful amount of caffeine they consume. HamsterVladimir: I consume a godawful amount of caffeine. RCAllen00: As do I. But I don't spend all my waking hours in a coffee shop drinking the stuff by the barrell full while I await celebrity guest stars to pop into my life. HamsterVladimir: I've yet to see a celebrity guest star. RCAllen00: Me neither. These celebs should be knocking down OUR doors, not those of imaginary characters on TV! HamsterVladimir: Yeah really. HamsterVladimir: and why dont they ever date ugly people on there? HamsterVladimir: whenever they DO get dates, it's always with somebody attractive. HamsterVladimir: and where are all the sluts? I hear the slut population in New York is very high. RCAllen00: Like I said, white supremacist fantasy. Utopian version of the modern world as seen by a strange mixture of Klansmen and Freemasons. HamsterVladimir: lol RCAllen00: And what is with the strange sentence structure? "Could you BE any more of a blank? I am so NOT blank!" And the constant Shatner-esque pauses between words that this Ross fellow uses in his speech makes me desire Death as an alternative to listening to him. HamsterVladimir: He doesn't do that as much in recent episodes. RCAllen00: What, did he get a jaw operation or something? HamsterVladimir: apparently he did in between seasons. RCAllen00: Obviously paid for by the Klan. They must have gotten tired of his imperfections in their ubermanschen fantasy and fixed his speech impediment. Bastards. HamsterVladimir: At least somebody did it. RCAllen00: Maybe the show is a tool of the alien conspiracy, a way of convincing the crucial 18-to-39 demographic that staying home all day and jabbering on about their love life is a legitimate career choice. HamsterVladimir: It seems to be working. RCAllen00: That way, the aliens could just move in for the conquering and no one would be even look out the window. Unless there was an Ugly Naked Guy across the view, in which case... RCAllen00: The plan is doomed. Hmm. We must all go without clothes in order to prevent the invasion! HamsterVladimir: I'll spread the word. RCAllen00: Anyway, these people keep weird pets. I mean, a monkey, a chicken, a duck, a neurotic cook. HamsterVladimir: lol RCAllen00: Perhaps they're trying to encourage the underground industry of exotic animal trading. HamsterVladimir: I wish I had a pet monkey. RCAllen00: That's what they want you to think. Pretty soon, that little capuchin will start developing speech and higher cognitive abilities, and then it'll be two hundred years before Charlton Heston will come around to save us. RCAllen00: Speaking of monkeys, can I post this to DsotM? I've been thinking of starting a thread dedicated to recording AIM conversations in the public eye, and this would be perfect to start it out. HamsterVladimir: And then we'll erect several statues in his honor, and named a park or highway after him. HamsterVladimir: Go right ahead. RCAllen00: Awesome. (prepares to edit subtle indications of homoeroticism into all of TR's lines) HamsterVladimir: lol RCAllen00: I see you're not averse to the idea. Perhaps there's truth to my allegations! HamsterVladimir: No no, I'm very much antihomoeroticism. If that isn't a word it should be. RCAllen00: You lie! Admit you're the hapless love pooch of Strom Thurmond! Admit it, damn you! HamsterVladimir: But while you're making me look gay, I'm going to go and hop in the shower. lol HamsterVladimir: Strom Thurmond. :love: RCAllen00: Showers! The renowned habitat of the gay man! HamsterVladimir: Yes, I have to keep my homosexual physique shiny and clean. RCAllen00: You probably use scented soap, you bastard! Traitor to your own genitalia! HamsterVladimir: I use green soap RCAllen00: Green! The prefferred colour of homosexuals everywhere, right after mauve and rainbow! HamsterVladimir: I'll be back later. HamsterVladimir: lol =-O RCAllen00: "back"? What's that supposed to mean, gaybies? HamsterVladimir: well it means that soon I will use my "homoray" and turn every straight man in northern american into a flaming gay man. Oh yes.. just you wait... HamsterVladimir: :-) RCAllen00: While you're fiddling with my sexuality, you wouldn't mind making "it" bigger, would you? Previous message was not received by HamsterVladimir because of error: User HamsterVladimir is not available. RCAllen00: I'll take that as a no, then.
He didn't even take his computer into the shower with him so he could keep chatting. Could he BE any more like all "later" and stuff? Oh, he is SO that guy.
dead feuds last all summer, but chicken suits are forever
Quote: RCAllen00:Hmmm.... Randall00: Fasinating. Randall00: With a capital C. RCAllen00: Come on, how often do I get to be an asshole in real life to to those whom I do so on the internet? Randall00: Ha! You wouldn't have the guts. RCAllen00: It depends on whether I can get the much-needed spine transplant I've been yearning for... Randall00: The difference in real life is that people can actually physically step on you if you say something naughty. RCAllen00: Most people tend to look at things through a pseudo-dramatic viewpoint. They always need to paint themselves as either the hero, or the martyr, in any case, the sympathetic protaganist of events at large. RCAllen00: Punching a fifteen-year old boy with braces does not usually gell with this world view. Randall00: It does if you're Jewish. RCAllen00: I am. Points for me! Randall00: And punches at that. RCAllen00: Heh. RCAllen00: I doubt I'd be all with the "hope your testicles burn up in mid orbit around the stupid-sphere your body apparently inhabits". I'd be more with the cocky grins and the sneers and the frequent *snort*. Randall00: Apparently the number of Jewish hate crimes in Canada is rising. RCAllen00: All over the world, bub. Randall00: Amen. RCAllen00: What, you want my race to die or something? RCAllen00: I couldn't fuck a gentile. It's against my religion! Randall00: :^) Oh no, just acknowledging the truth that your message was sent to me at 10:54:38 PM.
RCAllen00 (10:54:38 PM): All over the world, bub RCAllen00: Argh. Yes. RCAllen00: It wouldn't be worth the risk and the inevitable shower & dress up session for some shmoes I've never heard of, but if Red 5 actually shows up... RCAllen00: Well, it would certainly increase the temptation. Randall00: Can't argue with that. RCAllen00: As well as the risk. I think he once professed a desire to see me drown. Randall00: Hehe...do your public parks have public fountains in Ontarioland? RCAllen00: No, but there's a few handy puddles lying around most places. Those could do in a pinch. Randall00: Christ, I should really be in bed. RCAllen00: I used to REALLY dislike those pretentious goth-metal types who would stay up late and sleep in all day and then natter on about how coffee was their opiate and rest was for the weak. Then I became one. Randall00: It's okay to hate what you've become too, you know. RCAllen00: GOT YER PERMISSION!
Quote: Randall00: Ever see Margaret Thatcher in a rubber chicken suit? RCAllen00: No. That birthday wish was never granted. Randall00: Shame. It's a riot and a quarter. RCAllen00: Elaborate, spinster witch. Randall00: I don't know. We'll leave it at caithness. RCAllen00: Question mark. Randall00: Exactly.
Quote: RCAllen00: To the time tunnell, then! Randall00: You must mean tunnel. :-) RCAllen00: The extra 'l' stands for 'lame'. Randall00: Ah, well thought out subliminal messaging. RCAllen00: Speaking of temporally re-aligning one's quantum matrix with the dominant superstrings of the relative past, I'm hungry. Randall00: I've got pizza. RCAllen00: Good. Use the spatial wormhole to wing it way over here. RCAllen00: And revert it's temporal state to when it just came out of the oven. Hate cold pizza. Randall00: You must mean wormholle. RCAllen00: That's what I said. *climbs into time machine* RCAllen00: Hah. I just unborned you. How does it not feel to be nonexistent? Randall00: RCAllen00: Gads, I really am hungry. Is that pizza lost in the dark matter or something? Randall00: Randall00: Alright, enough of this non-existing. RCAllen00: Dear lord. By chronally reversing your probability string, in essence nullifying your existence, I have therefore destroyed the sequence of events that previously lead to my receiving a slice of pizza through the spatial wormhole! Randall00: Exactly. Randall00: That's what I was trying to say. :-) RCAllen00: And since you have just re-appeared, I can only presume that in order to receive sad pizza, I went back in time to prevent myself from destroying your place in the continuum of events! RCAllen00: There should probably be an 'l' in 'sad pizza'. RCAllen00: If I don't go about repeating the sequence of future steps that are predestined to occurr, I could doom the entire universe to an eternity of nonexistence! RCAllen00: *ding* RCAllen00: Pizza's here. Screw the universe.
Randall00: Or the continuum will simply misinterpret what you said and you'll end up with everything in order except for the salad pizza on your desk. RCAllen00: Gah. I thought I disconnected at that poignant and hilariously funny time. :-) Randall00: You should have. This is highly out of character. RCAllen00: We're completely ruining the setup we constructed. It's both our faults, really. Randall00: Is your continued presence here the apex of madness, or will there be more??!?! RCAllen00: You know the answer, friend. You know the answer.
Randall00: I'm losing. RCAllen00: Gah! You ruined it....again! Randall00: :-) Randall00: Had you disconnected in the first place, this wouldn't be a problem now would it. RCAllen00: Aye.
Quote: RCAllen00: When I was really, really little... paranoid daisy: hm? RCAllen00: I used to take great pleasure and pride in urinating outdoors. :-) paranoid daisy: you lucky thing you. too bad i'm a girl. it's never as much fun for girls. RCAllen00: No, I'd suppose not. Much harder for you to aim, and all. RCAllen00: I used to do it in the winter, just so I could come back and see it frozen into the ground. paranoid daisy: yes. and messier too. it pretty much wants to go straight down. RCAllen00: I think that's what scared off those wild dogs that used to cross through our backyard. Me, marking my territory. RCAllen00: Heh, I just had a weird thought. RCAllen00: I need to pee. :-) paranoid daisy: go outside! RCAllen00: Done. :-) RCAllen00: Or, at least, to be done. RCAllen00: Hold on a sec while I work up the courage... paranoid daisy: must smell bad in august. paranoid daisy: hey are they picking up trash in toronto yet? RCAllen00: They fixed it all up for the Popey's visit. That was...month ago? RCAllen00: Shush. I must pee. Hold on... RCAllen00: DONE! :-) paranoid daisy: ew.. i'm not holdin' nothing, you can do that for yourself. paranoid daisy: did you really pee outside? RCAllen00: Really really. paranoid daisy: i'm jealous. RCAllen00: Bwahaha. Don't be. It's only the most liberating experience anyone can ever experience....umm, is not much. paranoid daisy: nice. RCAllen00: It's amazing how far the pressure will take the stream if it doesn't have to go in the toilet. paranoid daisy: that so! RCAllen00: Uh huh. The penis is nature's water gun. paranoid daisy: super soaker xp 500! RCAllen00: I'm currently trying to make some amusing joke about "pumping required".... paranoid daisy: done.
This one probably qualifies as "Evidence". Someone's bound to use this in a trial.
I think Pep prophesized this once, long ago.
We started slow, each unsure how the other would take to this particular conversation. We were uncertain, wary of the consequences, and unwilling to be too forward in our felicitations. Until my "orifice pee" comment, which kinda broke the ice...
Quote: RCAllen00: I love you too, DW. I love you too. atomicstasis: I shall rest easy tonight. And hold that thought in my head as I take my exam tomorrow. RCAllen00: Yes, our love for each other is a pure thing to keep us by hard times, like urinating slowly into someone's mouth or any orifice in general. RCAllen00: Yours, for instance. atomicstasis: How comforting. :-) RCAllen00: Hmm, yes.
Soon, we were like giggling schoolgirl lovers, hiding behind the bleachers after homeroom for a quick tryst before second period while the recess bell rang.
Quote: RCAllen00: Wanna make out? atomicstasis: Sure, if you want to. RCAllen00: Awesome. This is totally the bestest relationship ever.
We quickly escalated it to the next level. Could it be that we were meant to be by the becoming of the who he became?
Quote: atomicstasis: I agree. You know what? Let's not make out, and let's just skip to the sex. RCAllen00: Indeed. Who needs the touching and the mouth-to-mouth and the closeness and the emotional comfort? atomicstasis: Really. RCAllen00: Yeah, let's just skip to the meaningless animal genitilia mambo jumbo.
Things were going swimmingly until talk of the future broke into things. How could he? How dare he do this to me? How did he think he could be of the who now in the see me?
Quote: atomicstasis: Are we going to get married? RCAllen00: Do we need to? Do you really want that? I thought we were going to skip the unnecessary portions of our relationship and go straight to those that cause maximum pleasure for minimum output. RCAllen00: Where you even there at the heart-to-heart talk, huh? atomicstasis: Oh, right. atomicstasis: Well I've changed my mind. atomicstasis: I need companionship.
In defense of our quickly spiralling relationship, we decided to speak of loftier matters, of universal constants. Were not all things destined to find their soulmates, their other half, their "itch" to their "bay" and their "smitch" to their "gay"?
Quote: RCAllen00: Hmm. I don't know what to say. Give me some time, and space. And a continuum to call my own. atomicstasis: Okay, you can have that continuum. ::points:: And I'll take this one. atomicstasis: And perhaps they will meet somewhere.
The issue having been resolved, our minds and hearts turned to passion. Say it with me, people. Passshhhonnnnnn.
Quote: RCAllen00: Enough of the high falutin' talk. Let's get back to the sex. The sex between us. atomicstasis: Oh yes. atomicstasis: ::sex:: RCAllen00: Eugh. Have you...euggh. Stop it! RCAllen00: Here, let me show you how. RCAllen00: ::sex:: atomicstasis: Ooh. atomicstasis: I get it. RCAllen00: See! It all fits when you do it my way. RCAllen00: No loose ends hanging out the sides, a place for everything and everything in it's place.
After the throes of inadequate lovemaking, feelings emerged from the unrevealed depths. The sharing had made us all lesser, somehow, and the shame of it all weighed heavily on our backs. Seriously, shame. Weighs a ton.
Quote: atomicstasis: I'm glad you were here to teach me how to do it, RC. RCAllen00: I'm not. I was promised virgin or higher, and now I find you've barely even glanced at one of those nudie books. atomicstasis: :-( RCAllen00: No, no. That's not how you do it. Mouth open, see. And then it'll fit between your teeth. Now, no biting! atomicstasis: I promise I won't bite. RCAllen00: You promised we'd have nothing but meaningless sex, but you changed your mind at the last minute. True, you reversed your opinion right afterwards, but still, it's the principle of the thing. RCAllen00: I'm going to get you a chin guard, keeps your mouth steady. And take out that damn retainer. atomicstasis: I don't have a retainer! RCAllen00: True. Now that you've taken it out.
With all the guilt and pain relieved with the soothing balm of a "quickie", it comes time to turn to other things. The fourth wall is broken, post-modernity takes its hold, and previous experiences are recounted and shown to the world. Truly, a night to remember.
Quote: RCAllen00: Eh, this conversation is definetly gonna get posted at DsotM. atomicstasis: I didn't doubt it for a minute. RCAllen00: Yes. Us, having sex? That's comedy gold, it is. Comedy gold. RCAllen00: I mean, you NEVER have sex with anyone. And me, the only person I love enough to trust with my body is myself.
Quote:RCAllen00: Someday, the clocks won't just strike thirteen. We'll hear Big Ben chiming imaginary numbers, and we'll know exactly what time it is. Randall00: Big Ben huh? RCAllen00: Big clocktower in London. The one in England. Randall00: Oh I see. I thought you were talking about Death of a Salesman. RCAllen00: "Big Ben Gets Bigger". Series of architectural porn movies. Randall00: I like the failed alliteration. RCAllen00: I wanna see the Leaning Tower of Pisa having a hardcore tussdown with Eiffell. RCAllen00: I want the Seven Wonders of the World, or what's left of them, to meet each other in the boathouse to cheesy boom-shigga-woh-wow music. RCAllen00: The skyline of New York will be an orgy, with the ocassional hijacked airplane crashing the party. Excuse the topical reference. Randall00: You could continue to use the World Trade Center in architectual necrophiliac porn. RCAllen00: :-) Randall00: In the meantime the CN Tower is being hoisted up the rump of the Empire State Building and we can bring a whole new meaning to that city that never sleeps. RCAllen00: It won't be long before the fetish extends to having interaction with the buildings themselves. Debbie won't do Dallas, It'll do her. RCAllen00: Every mannish repairman with a sucker for a French accent will be lighting Lady Liberty's torch. RCAllen00: The outside elevators on the CN Tower will rise towards the top, bringing orgasm to the rotating elevator. Liftoff. Randall00: I think anything like that is bound to have male overtones what with these buildings sticking up into the sky like the great phallic wonders they are. You just need another inanimate landform to complete the circle. Isn't there something cute and charming about picturing the entire Los Angeles skyline fucking the Grand Canyon? Randall00: Imagine the four-way oral pleasure courtesy of Mount Rushmore! RCAllen00: Think of Disneyworld. Like a cheesy hooker all gammed up with pretty cotton candy colours in her lipstick. Like a sticky lollipop. Imagine the Epcot ball rising and heaving in pantomime to the cries of "ooooh! and "eeeeeeh!" and "gawrsh!" from Goofy. RCAllen00: Imagine a thousand cartoon characters crying out in orgasmic delight as the Florida swampland ass-rams them from beneath. RCAllen00: Like having gay sex with a really, really fat guy. Only choice is to climb on top, no way you can support that weight. RCAllen00: Imagine the thousands of worldwide subways, phallic in their shape and forward speed, derailing, thrown off the tracks. "Sorry, honey, I don't know what happened. I've never had this problem before, honest. Maybe we should try that pill, the one in all those advertisements." Randall00: Get on an even bigger scale. I mean, it just seems natural how easily Greenland would slide into the Gulf of Mexico. And imagine how cute a couple Vancouver Island and the west coast of Florida would be snuggled next to one another in bed. RCAllen00: Imagine those old fashioned replica trains of the 1800s, like those pictures from Victorian catalogues for female masturbation devices. All crinkly and rusty. RCAllen00: Good point. Imagine quaint jackbooted Italy with it's fascist Nazi fetish and the cries of "Be my Mussolini! Be my Mussolini!". By god, the trains will run on TIME! RCAllen00: Give it long enough, and the Milky Way will be spanking the ass of the Andromedan cluster. Randall00: :-) RCAllen00: Hell, given eons, entire parallel universes will be united in pornographic enterprises the likes of which no one has gone before. Randall00: Alright, that'll do. Send it to the dark side. RCAllen00: All of it? Randall00: Well no. RCAllen00: Aw. :-(
Instant Messenger Showcase & Evidence Dump
It begins.
Great idea.
dead feuds last all summer, but chicken suits are forever 
Calvin is cool.
Unfortunately, you are involved with this. Done!
I think Pep prophesized this once, long ago.
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