I'll Say Goodbye 1/1

WOW. I'm speechless. That was so incredibly touching, sad, and beautiful. *sniffle* It really was beautiful, Angel. Why haven't you posted anything sooner? I'm escatic that you come and read and reply diligently but now that you've start posting stories you can't stop! This was too wonderfully written. I hope you post more soon!

Hugs,
Evie

Reading is good. Writing is even better.

Author	Comment
Angel608J Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 25 (3/20/03 7:18 pm) Reply	I'll Say Goodbye 1/1 takes deep breath Don't ask me why, but I always get so damn nervous when I post something. I wasn't going to post anything that I've written, but then I thought, what the hell. Suzy said I should start off by posting a one parter, so here it is. I'll Say Goodbye When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think that I meant to hurt you I just did what we knew I had to do And all the time we knew The time was never right for us Time to leave this love behind I could never leave you, baby If I saw you cry I’ll say goodbye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say goodbye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So, I wait til you’re asleep to say goodbye You must realize How hard is it to do this I’m trying to make it through this Say good-bye as gently as I can Please try and understand This time just wasn’t the time for us We knew I couldn’t stay But that don’t make it easier to leave you So while I can find the strength I’ll say goodbye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say goodbye Before your arms embrace me Before your kisses take me Before your eyes can make me stay I’ll say goodbye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say goodbye Like I know we must I’ll wait until you’re asleep To say good-bye for the two of us Tonight while you’re asleep And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So I’ll wait until you’re asleep to say good-bye I stand in front of your door with a shaking hand, willing my nerves to calm down before I enter your apartment. Inhaling deeply, I shake my shoulders and put on a fake smile, reaching for the door handle. I know that you’ll see right through my façade, but I have to try, for you, for me, for us…just for tonight. Turning the knob slowly, I push the door open and I see you sleeping peacefully on the couch. Quietly, I walk over to you and sit down as lightly as I can so I don’t disturb you. It doesn’t work though. Your eyes opened the second I settled my weight on the cushions. “Hey.” You say to me, smiling and then rubbing your tired eyes. “Hi.” I smile weakly at you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you Pacey.” “It’s okay. I’ve only been asleep for a few minutes.” I watch you sit up and feel you take my hand in yours before leaning forward to brush a small kiss across my lips. “I thought you would’ve been here sooner. I tried calling your cell, but you had it turned off.” “Yeah, stupid thing, the battery died on me. I went over to see Bessie for a bit so that’s what took me so long.” “So how are you? How did everything go today?” You ask me, and the second of the two questions is the one that I prayed you wouldn’t. I don’t want to tell you how things really went, I don’t want to see your world, our world that we’ve been building, come crashing down around us through your eyes. “I’m good and everything went fine today.” I lie to you effortlessly. I surprise myself with how easy that was to come out of my mouth, almost too easily. It’s almost like I believe it myself. If only that were the case, if only everything was fine, but it isn’t. It didn’t go fine and I’m not doing well, but I can’t, and, I won’t tell you that. “Well, what did he say?” “Can I tell you about it later? It’s been a long day and I missed you. Right now I just want you to hold me.” I say to you, getting closer to you. “I think I can do that Jo.” You smile and put your arms around me, pulling me down beside where you were laying on the couch. This was how it was supposed to be. You, me, together, arms wrapped around each other, so happy, and in love. Your hand automatically wraps around my waist, your fingers finding their way under the hem of my shirt, and your thumb draws lazy circles on my stomach. I know that you’re not looking for anything and I know that you don’t mean anything by it, but just the warmth of your hand against my flesh, my body moulding perfectly against yours isn’t enough. I need to feel you, all of you. Flesh against flesh, heart to heart, soul-to-soul. Turning slowly in your arms so I can face you, I bring my hand up and cup your cheek before moving in closer to you and pressing my lips against yours. I sigh at the familiar warmth I find there. Every time I kiss you feels like the first, so wonderful, so intoxicating, and so full of love. I easily part your lips with my own as your grip tightens around me, holding me close to you, holding on to me for dear life. Your tongue gently glides along mine and I know I’m being selfish for not telling you, I know I’m being selfish for wanting that level of intimacy that only you can bring to me without telling you what I know, but if I told you, it would kill you. And I just want one last night of feeling complete, feeling loved, being yours. “Make love to me Pacey.” I whisper softly, as you place feather light kisses over my face, and down my neck. Pulling your lips away from me, you look at me and sigh heavily. “Jo…” You start, but I silence you with my finger against your lips. I know what you’re going to say. Ever since we found out you’ve been hesitant about making love, not wanting to hurt me, treating me like I’m a porcelain doll. But tonight I need you like never before and I pray to God that you can see that in my eyes, hear the words that I’m screaming to you from my heart because I can’t say them to your face. “Pacey, please? I just…I just want to be with you.” I plead with you standing from the sofa, my hand outstretched to you. You take my offered hand, slowly rising from your position on the sofa and we walk the short distance to your bedroom. You walk over to your dresser, picking up the small matchbook, striking the match to light the candle that’s sitting on its holder. The candle light flickers, leaving a luminous glow about the room, and you turn to look at me with eyes so full of love and adoration that I almost fall apart right before you. Your hand comes up and caresses my cheek gently as you move closer to me, wrapping your free arm around my waist, pulling me slightly so that our bodies are pressed firmly together. “You are so beautiful Joey.” You tell me, sweeping your thumb over my quivering lips. “I love you.” You say sweetly, lowering your lips to mine, “more than life itself.” You finish, finally capturing my lips with your own, my sob that was about to escape, is lost in your kiss. Your lips…those lips that have turned up in a smile more times than I could ever possibly remember, pursed at me in the heated moment of an argument, and spoke soft and gentle words of love, understanding and commitment, move around my face, speaking those same words, yet again. Unbuttoning your shirt, I push it over your shoulders and slide it down your arms. Your arms…muscular from the countless hours you spent restoring True Love, the wonderful arms that held me tight the first time we made love in the ski lodge and every night we’ve spent together after that. Pulling away from your kisses, I pull the white wife beater over your head and let it drop to the floor before I let my lips place a small kiss over your heart. The heart that loves me honestly, truly…and completely. The heart that you told me beats only for me and I told you the same thing about mine. It’s true, it does and it will until it beats no longer. Backing us up, I feel the back of my knees hit your bed and I sit down slowly, making sure not to break eye contact with you. I want to remember the look of sheer and utter happiness on your face. I want to remember the look of love that you hold for me in your baby blues. I want every part of you etched into my memory to take with me when I go, to carry with me for the rest of my days. I want to remember everything. Undoing your pants, I slid them down your legs, taking your boxers with them, leaving you standing before me completely naked. You step out of your jeans and I move my hands to the hem of my shirt only to have you still my movements. “Let me, Jo.” You say softly, replacing my hands with your own, lifting the shirt over my head and discarding it on the floor next to your bed. Reaching for the front clasp of my bra, you easily flick it open, and slowly remove it from my body. You pull me up from my seated position and kneel before me, unbuttoning my pants, sliding them down my legs. Lifting each of my legs, you help me out of my pants. Hooking your fingers in the waistband of my panties, you lean forward and kiss my abdomen gently, reverently. Sliding the small scrap of material down my legs, your fingers lightly brush against my skin, leaving a heated path in their wake. Reaching for your hand I get on the bed, bringing you with me. Our lips meet in a sweet sensual kiss and I can feel your arousal hard against my thigh. “Pacey, I need you now.” I whisper in between kisses and you oblige, shifting your position so I can feel your tip at my entrance. Easing into me slowly, we begin to move as one. There is nothing hurried about our lovemaking. It’s slow, passionate, loving. The way it should be for two people who love one another as much as we do. I can feel the pressure of my impending orgasm mounting and I fight with everything that I have not to let it overtake me. I’m not ready for it to end just yet and I know it will a few moments after I climax because it always does. You’ve always put my needs ahead of your own, waiting for me to go over the edge before allowing yourself to do so, no matter how hard it was for you to hold on. Digging my nails into your back, I plead with my body to hold on just a little bit longer, I’m begging it to give me just a little more time with you. Praying that it could last forever. Crying out as I tumble, I cry not of the pleasure you had just brought me, but the meaning behind it all as I feel your body shudder above mine as you join me. The hot tears spill from the corners of my eyes because this was our last time…the last time for us to be together. I wrap my arms around you and hold you tight, not allowing you to slip from my body. I’m not ready for it just yet, not that I ever will be, but for right now, I just need you as close to me as humanly possible. You don’t move and you don’t question my tears or my neediness. It’s been this way every time we’ve made love since we found out. Instead you kiss me tenderly, whispering words of adoration, commitment, and love. I close my eyes and commit every touch, every kiss, and every word spoken to memory. Finally, reluctantly, I loosen my grip on you and allow you to slip from me. You roll over, gathering me in your arms, stroking my hair gently, pressing your lips against my head. “So what do you want to do tomorrow?” You ask, trying to suppress the yawn that’s bound to come out. “T…Tomorrow?” I stammer, swallowing the lump in my throat at the same time, because for us, there is no tomorrow. “Yeah Jo, you know, tomorrow, it comes after today.” You joke with me, pinching my side slightly. “I know what tomorrow is, Pacey. And to be honest, I haven’t really thought about anything beyond right now, here with you.” “Well I was thinking that we could go down to the beach or something and have a picnic. They say the weather is going to be gorgeous tomorrow and I thought that would be nice. What do ya say? You, me, a blanket, a basket full of your favorite food, the sunlight, and we could stay and watch the sunset.” “That sounds nice, Pace.” I smile at the mere thought of spending that kind of day with you. To anyone else it would be an ordinary day, mundane almost, but for us it would have been one of the best days of our lives. It would have been full of fun; excitement, love, and one that we would’ve made some of our fondest memories. Oh, how I wish it could be that way. “So it’s a date then.” You nod your head in affirmation, snuggling closer to me; your hold on me tightening as you finally let your eyes slip shut. Mumbling one last I love you, your breathing deepens and that tells me that you’ve finally drifted off to sleep. Now comes the hard part. As quietly and slowly as I can, I slip out of your embrace and ease my way out of the bed. I’m being so careful not to wake you that I almost trip over your pants that are still laying on the floor. Stumbling slightly, I recover looking over at you to make sure that I didn’t disturb you. Thankfully I didn’t, and I pick up my clothes, putting them on quickly. If I don’t hurry up and do this, then I’m never going to do it. I will climb back into that bed and never leave. Walking out of your room, I make my way to your desk, pulling open the drawer to get out some paper. I contemplate for a second on writing it here, but then I want to see you, be in close proximity with you for as long as I can. Padding down the hall back to your room, I turn on the bathroom light so I can see the words I’m writing. Settling on the floor near the door, I prop my knees up, taking a deep breath as I look from you to the paper in my hand. Squeezing my eyes shut, I lower my head and begin to write the words that are going to kill you to read, that are going to kill me to write. My Dearest Pacey, I never thought I’d be sitting here writing these words to you. Not especially since we found our way back to each other again. I can’t even begin to tell you what this past year has meant to me Pacey. Your love, patience, understanding and devotion is what helped me through the darkest hours. But now…now I don’t know how to tell you what I need to tell you. How do you tell the man you love more than anything in the world, the one I told that his love would get me through anything and everything, that it wasn’t enough? We were so sure that I could beat this thing and said that our love would cure me, but it didn’t Pace. I saw my doctor today and there’s nothing more they can do. The cancer is too far-gone for treatment of any kind to work. I could have the chemo, but I don’t want to live the last days of my life that way. It would only be prolonging the inevitable, and making those around me suffer as well. I don’t want to be remembered that way. I don’t want you to remember me at my weakest, sickest moment. I want you to remember me the way I was today, yesterday, and every other day that we’ve spent loving one another. That’s how I want you to remember me, to remember us. Have I ever thanked you for loving me the way you do? I don’t think that I have, so let me do that now. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, being everything I needed, wanted and for being everything I could have ever possibly dreamed of. You, Pacey Witter have been my everything. You are my everything. I hate writing this to you, I hate that this is happening to us. This was supposed to be our time. This time was for keeps and now I have to leave you. Just know that I’ll keep every moment we’ve spent together close to my heart, know that I’ll keep you in my every waking thought, know that I’ll keep you forever for eternity in my heart. We will be together again one day, my love. And until that day comes, I want you to live Pacey. I want you to live every day to its fullest. And most of all, I want you to love again Pace. I want you to find someone to share your life with. Someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved, who will give you the life you deserve to have. Someone who will love you here on Earth the way I’ll be loving you from someplace else. You are a wonderful man Pacey and you have a heart of gold. You have so much love, passion, and compassion inside of you that you have to make sure that you share it with someone. I know it will take you some time and you’ll think at first that it’s not possible, but it is, and you’ll live a wonderful and fulfilled life. And you can bet that I’ll be watching you every step of the way, smiling with pride of the life you’ve built for yourself. Please know that I’ll be with you always. I may not be there physically, but I’ll always be where you are. I love you Pacey Witter with everything that I am. My mind, body, and soul are yours and have been since the day you kissed me on the side of the road. I understand that you may hate me right now and probably will for some time to come for doing this to you, but you have to know that I feel like I have no other choice. I’m not doing this to hurt you… I’m doing this to save you a world of hurt down the line. I’m doing this so that you don’t have to see me in so much pain, so that you don’t have to watch me die. I’ve been the person that had to watch someone die when my mom was sick, and I don’t wish that on anyone Pace. I can’t do that to you and I won’t do that to you. I love you forever and always Pacey Witter. Eternally yours, Joey. Swiping at the tears that are pouring down my cheeks, I fold the letter neatly and place it in the envelope. I write your name across it before getting up from where I’ve been sitting on the floor. With shaky legs, I force myself to walk over to the bed. I place the letter on the pillow, my pillow, and just watch you sleep for a few minutes. Leaning forward, I press my lips gently to yours, kissing you softly one last time. Backing away from your bed, I turn and walk out of your apartment, out of your life. You know, I'm not worried about the cancer taking my life, because as of right now, with having to walk away from you, the only love I’ve ever known, I'm already dead. When you wake And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you Good-bye The song is I'll Say Goodbye for the two of us - Expose. (so beautiful)
EviePJlvr Founder of Operation True Love! Pacey & Joey Die Hard, Joshua Jackson Bad Ass Chick. Posts: 160 (3/20/03 8:06 pm) Reply	Re: I'll Say Goodbye 1/1 WOW. I'm speechless. That was so incredibly touching, sad, and beautiful. sniffle It really was beautiful, Angel. Why haven't you posted anything sooner? I'm escatic that you come and read and reply diligently but now that you've start posting stories you can't stop! This was too wonderfully written. I hope you post more soon! Hugs, Evie Reading is good. Writing is even better.
leep4joy Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 20 (3/20/03 9:28 pm) Reply	Re: I'll Say Goodbye 1/1 So sad. What is it about sad one parters?? Oh, well...this was really wonderful sweetie. I read before and it still makes me cry. Keep up the good work! ~Lee
LadyHaHa Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 19 (3/21/03 8:51 am) Reply	Re: I'll Say Goodbye 1/1 How incredibly sad!!!!!!!!! BAWLS It was beautiful though! I really loved this. BAWLS SOME MORE sniffle They are so in love and that happens. Great job on this!
SnoozyC Loves Pacey and Joey Posts: 30 (3/21/03 11:40 am) Reply	Re: I'll Say Goodbye 1/1 Well I think you already know what I thought about this one hon.... I wrote you an email about it last week, through my misty eyes! You're a cruel woman, making me cry; but a wonderfully talented cruel woman... which makes the pain a little easier to handle. Now post more of your amazing penmanship you strumpet!

Operation True Love: Pacey and Joey > Pacey and Joey Fan Fic > I'll Say Goodbye 1/1
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