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Cooper Crazy
(6/24/05 11:38 pm)
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Giving In - Chapter 8 *PG-13*
By the time they got back to the hotel, it was almost ten and Harley took a long shower while Gus smoked what seemed like a pack of cigarettes on the balcony. By the time Gus had gotten out of the shower, Harley was in bed, hoping it would keep Gus from wanting to talk, or anything else for that matter. Gus grabbed his pillow and blanket and found a semi-comfortable spot on the floor and tried to fall asleep.
Harley had her eyes closed since she heard the bathroom door open and she was finally starting to drift off when her mind wandered to the dance she shared with Gus earlier, especially the kiss. It felt so right being in his arms again, feeling his lips on hers, but at the same time, it felt wrong. She swore to herself that she would never let herself fall in love again. She would not get her heartbroken again. Why couldn't she fight the feelings she had for Gus? She knew it was more than lust, although there was definitely that too. She just couldn't say what it was. She forced her eyes open and sighed as she rolled over to face Gus.
"Are you asleep?" Harley asked quietly.
"No," he replied. "You?"
"Obviously not," she rolled her eyes.
"Why not?"
"I was just thinking," she began as he sat up and leaned against the wall.
"What were you thinking about?" he wondered.
"A lot of things."
"Well, since we're both awake, why don't you elaborate on that a bit?" Gus suggested.
"I was just thinking about tonight. It was nice. I mean, here we are in Paris, where we could do anything and we ended up spending the evening at an American bar dancing to country music," she laughed.
"I just wanted a cheeseburger," Gus explained, laughing with her.
There were a few moments of silence before Harley spoke up again.
"Are you happy?" she asked quietly.
"That I got my cheeseburger? Yeah, it was pretty good," he answered.
"That's not what I meant. You always ask me if I'm happy, but I realized that I've never asked you if you're happy. So, are you?" she clarified.
"Well, that depends."
"On what?"
"On when you're talking about. If you're asking if I'm happy right now at this moment, or if I was happy tonight at that bar, then yeah, I was. But if you're asking about every day, and whether my life makes me happy, then no, I'm not happy at all," he sighed.
"What's the difference?" she asked quietly, even though she was pretty sure she knew the answer already.
"You," he replied simply in a whisper. "You know, I look back at my life and think about all the times I thought I was really happy, and I compare them to how I feel when I'm with you, and they just don't compare. When I'm with you, whether we're working or fighting or laughing or just having a civilized conversation, I'm happy. And I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time, and in a lot of ways, something I've never felt before," he confessed. "When I was a kid, I was always happy. Really happy, cause I was
with my dad. He was my hero, is my hero. And after he died, I was never really happy again, until I met you. I am a selfish, inconsiderate man, Harley, but you...I don't know, somehow you make me want to not be that way anymore. And I think I'm not when it comes to you. I try to put your happiness before mine, I worry about whether you're comfortable working with me. I didn't leave Springfield for this job in DC. I would have stayed in Springfield without even hesitating if I thought it wouldn't bother you. But
I know that it does. I know you're uncomfortable with me, whether it's because of the Santos family or because I'm such a jerk or whether it's easier than admitting any feelings you might have for me. I don't know…all I know is that when I'm with you, I'm happy and I just wish that you could be happy when you're with me too," he finished, dropping his head.
"What if I already am?" she asked quietly after a long pause. "What if tonight made me happy, what if when I saw you sitting at my desk two weeks ago, I felt my stomach drop. What if seeing you makes me want to run away and run into your arms at the same time? You claim to know what makes me comfortable and uncomfortable, but how can you? When I don't even know? I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. I…the way that I act around you is my defense. Because I've been swept off my feet before, and I've always been dropped. Hard. And it hurts and I don't think I could survive hurt like that again."
"Let me pick you up. Let me try, at least. Give me a chance to prove to you that the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I don't think I'm even capable of hurting you that way. I…Harley, I'm in love with you. I've never said that to anyone before, because I've never felt this way. And you might think that's just one more reason to run, but it's not. I love you, and I love loving you, and I would never do anything to cause you even a second of pain. When we kissed tonight, that was real. That wasn't putting on an act because we were undercover. It meant something to me, something real and beautiful. And I think it meant something to you too."
"It does Gus, it always has."
"Then why do you keep running? Are you so afraid of taking a chance that you're willing to give up what could be a great thing? You're willing to spend the rest of your life alone, raising your children alone, just so you don't run the risk of getting your heart broken again? You say you're scared, but I'm scared too, Harley. I'm scared that I just put my heart out there to someone who might get off the plane with me, leave and never look back. I'm scared that I might never know what it feels like to be loved by you or to make love to you. But you are worth every fear that I have. I know you are. And I think I am too."
"Stop, please?" she pleaded and he leaned back against the wall and put his head in his hands as he let out a frustrated sigh.
Harley rolled over and buried herself in the covers on the bed until she couldn't take the silence anymore. She knew she couldn't stay in that room, she felt like she was suffocating in everything that Gus had said and everything that her heart and mind were screaming. She wanted to run, she wanted to get as far away from the room as possible, but running through the streets of Paris at midnight was even more dangerous than dealing with her feelings. She crawled out of bed and grabbed her robe, putting it on as she went out on the balcony.
She stood out there for a long time, the midnight wind blowing her hair and robe, thinking, but trying not to.
"Harley," she heard Gus say from behind her. "Come back inside."
"I'm sorry, Gus. I can't do this."
"Yes you can, Harley. Don't think about it, just do it. Turn around and look at me and do what your heart tells you to. Let me hold you," he pleaded.
"I can't. Because I am afraid I will never let go," she shook her head.
"So don't let go," he said quietly as he wrapped his arms around her from behind.
"But you will," she added.
"Give me the chance to prove to you that I won't," he said, "Give me one night. Let me hold you and kiss you and touch you the way you want me to. Let me make love to you and show you that you are everything to me. Why are you fighting something we both want so badly?"
"One night isn't enough for me, Gus."
"Well, my plan was to convince you to give me more than one night," he interrupted.
"But it's also too much. I need more than one night of great sex, Gus. I want you, I can't deny that, but I learned my lesson with my last one night stand. I either go all the way or I don't go at all. And I will not put myself in position to get hurt again, no matter how badly I want to. I deserve better than another heartbreak."
"Yes, you do. You deserve a chance at love, but no one can take that chance for you, Harley. I'm here, I'm willing, I'm taking the chance, but you have to make that decision for yourself. And I'll still be here when you do," he said as he kissed her cheek and went back into the room.
Who am I kidding? she asked herself when she was alone again. One night isn't enough for me? In a perfect world it wouldn't be, but it's been over a year since I had sex and that wasn't even that great! I can do this tonight and forget about in the morning, she told herself. She was back on the pill and knowing Gus's ego, she was sure he brought a lifetime supply of condoms with him. And she did want him…probably more than she's ever wanted anyone.
Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be so horrible that I'll really want to forget about this, she thought as she walked back into the room and saw Gus lounging in the chair, watching TV.
"Is one night enough for now?" she asked quietly.
"Just one?" he asked as he stood up and walked towards her.
"Just one," she nodded and pulled off her robe, throwing it over a chair.
"You drive me crazy," he said, frustrated and swept her up in his arms in a kiss.
Harley pulled away from his lips, "Please don't kiss me," she said quietly and moved her lips to his neck. She knew she couldn't resist his kisses.
Gus knew she was trying to distance herself from him and he wasn't about to let that happen. She wasn't going to use him and not feel anything.
He urged her backwards to the bed and laid on top of her. She continued sucking on his neck as she pushed his shirt up his back. He sat up to pull it off and grabbed her hands pinning them to the bed.
"Look at me," he said quietly and she opened her eyes. "Let me kiss you," he added and leaned down, putting his face close to hers until she reluctantly nodded and lifted her own head to cover his lips with hers.
He let go of her arms and she rolled them over so she was straddling him and went back to kissing his neck. She trailed her kisses over his chest and stomach to the waist of his pants then back up to his lips while her hand stroked him through his pants. Gus moaned into her mouth and rolled them back over.
"Do you have a condom?" she asked breathlessly between kisses.
"Yeah," he answered and continued kissing her.
They both stopped cold when they heard a knock on their door. They looked at each other for a second and went back to kissing, ignoring the door until the knocking turned into banging.
"Judicial Police," a deep voice came through the door, "Open the door."
"What the hell? Is this illegal?" Harley asked as she pushed Gus off of her and got off the bed.
Gus stood in front of her and ran his hand through her wild hair. "Okay?" he asked as he started for the door and she nodded.
He opened it and two men in dark suits came into the room.
"What's going on?" he asked. "You guys are new."
"Agent Aitoro?" the taller of the two asked.
"Yes."
"We were instructed to escort the two of you to the station. Captain Lumiere needs your assistance tonight."
"Right now?" Harley asked.
"Yes, mademoiselle," he nodded.
"Well, alright. Give us a few minutes to change," Gus agreed and opened the door for the men.
"We'll be right outside the door," the other man said and they shut the door behind them as Harley searched for something to put on.
Before Gus could say anything, she had gone into the bathroom and shut the door. Gus sighed as he grabbed a suit of the closet and changed.
Harley threw cold water on her face and watched it drip off in the mirror.
"What did I almost do?" she asked herself quietly and shook her head.
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