jay508x01 Traveller in the arts
Posts: 5
(6/15/02 3:50 pm) Reply
First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions)
Copywright Jason Compton- june 2001
CHAPTER 1: TRAINING AND KNOWLEDGE
-May 11, 2300
Jason Walker watched worriedly as one of his old friends sparred against a big Samoan. Though his
friend was seven feet tall and looked quite powerful, he had always been a "gentle giant," as most of the
ladies called him. The Samoan was a seasoned warrior, and would tear apart someone like Jason's friend,
Mike.
Jason remembered how Mike would run away from a fight throughout his school years, if given the
chance. The incident Jason remembered the most was the time that Mike had been dating a girl named Lisa
in his eighth year of schooling. Lisa was a beautiful girl with a cute smile and all around good attitude, but
she hanged around a gang of bikers who got jealous of Mike because he asked Lisa on a date before one of
the bikers had a chance to. All throughout the week Jason and Mike saw the anger build up in the Biker
Gang. In the middle of the week, Mike was starting to get nervous. Lisa tried to talk to him, not knowing
what was wrong, but he wouldn't tell her.
At the end of the week the Gang had backed Mike into a corner of an alleyway after school. Mike
tried to talk to them and settle the matter in a friendly and peaceful way, but they were determined to beat
him with their rather deadly looking chains and spiked clubs. Jason remembered the look of pure fear on
Mike's face when he saw the Gang take out their weapons. It was the look on the face of someone who
thought they were going to not get through this last incident of their life. Mike had been so scared that he
was shivering and so shocked that he couldn't run even if he had a place to run to. Mike was quite a bit
bigger than any in the Gang, but that didn't matter in the 24th century. The things that mattered in a fight
were your skills and your power, though not necessarily in that order. Their faces were covered with masks
so that anyone watching would not be able to tell who they were, but you could still see the look in their
eyes, the look of anger and rage. The one on the right was smaller than the other but much more formidable
an opponent because of his skill and power. He had a spiked club in his right hand. The one on the left had a
chain in his left hand. Jason watched as the bikers closed in on Mike. Mike had no chance of out-running
them. He also had no chance of out-maneuvering them in an alley. When Jason found Mike trapped in the
corner he was sweating like it was a hot summer day, but it was only forty degrees out. His eyes were
dilated, he was shrinking back in fear, and he was curled up. It was a two on one attack, and Mike had no
chance against them by himself. He did not know how to fight, and it seemed to everyone that he never
wanted to learn.
At that time, footsteps could be heard approaching the Bikers from the rear, and Jason materialized
out of the gloom. Jason had saved Mike by fighting all of them off, giving Mike a chance to run away. Jason
was well known as the best fighter in the school, and he easily fell the two Bikers.
Later that week Lisa had decided to drop Mike and go out with the biker that had tried to attack
Mike. For the next week, Mike went into a state of depression, and nobody could snap him out of it until a
lady named Jennifer asked him out at the end of the week. Mike had always been the ladies favorite.
Mike's inability to fight was well-known and often taken advantage of. People would scare him into
doing what they wanted him to do and frighten him into giving them what they wanted. He had been offered
simple courses for self-defense and had refused, saying they were "useless." Nobody knew what he meant by
that, and he never explained. Jason always wondered if he meant they weren't good enough because of how
limited the courses actually were. If that were the case then Jason really didn't blame him.
Before fighting the Samoan, Mike had asked Jason to teach his him how to fight, but Jason could
not teach Mike how to fight in only two days. He wondered if he should even try. He had to make up his
mind soon. Since Mike was one of his best friends, maybe he should at least teach him how to punch, block
and dodge.
It wasn't that Jason didn't want to teach him, but the time allotted him for teaching Mike was so
short that the task was impossible. If he had more time, he would teach his good friend all that he could. If
he tried to teach Mike in only three days how to fight then Mike would develop bad form and the effort
would ultimately result him Mike only getting confused and worse off then before. Jason did not want that in
his best friend, and after seeing the Samoan fell Mike with only one blow, Jason wanted to talk to his
superior about teaching him. Maybe he could convince him...
-August 9, 2303
Jason concentrated on the opponent in front of him. The man was twice the size of Jason, and
about twice as strong, but Jason was toying with him as if he was just another punk. The man was about six
and a half feet tall, about two hundred and fifty pounds, and looked like he had been working out in the gym
his whole life, though not to body build. His muscles looked very good on him, much too good for that. He
had blondish hair, brown eyes, and a young-looking face. As the sparring went on Jason's opponent seemed
to wear down, and Jason capitalized with his incredible speed. Jason could move so fast that he could not be
seen up close with the naked eye, unless someone had incredible reaction time.
General Dawn had seen only one other human who could move that fast with that technique, but
the man died before he had a chance to know him. He knew of the technique. It was an extremely common
technique that was well known to martial artists. Most people in the galaxy called it Qi* sprint. He often
wondered if the man was using the technique or if it was just his physical make-up, though. His muscles
looked like they were meant for pure speed, while his sparring partner had muscles that looked like they
were meant for pure strength. *(Pronounced "Chee." A second spelling is Chi)
General Dawn was one of the biggest legends in the Democratic Empire. He stood a towering six
feet tall, and had four strong-looking horse-like legs that were attached to a large, muscular, horse-like
body. He was one of the most powerful looking beings in the campus, and he could back up his looks quite
easily. He had black hair on his head and the mane on the horse part of his body. He had a firm look to him,
the look of someone who didn't give any leeway to anyone. It was said that he didn't even give in to his
superiors, most of the time. This fact made everyone do as he told them, weather or not they agreed with
him, and as a result things ran smoothly when he was in command.
Because of his military life, he was often seen as a hard person to get along with, and he was hard on the
trainees that trained at the facility. He felt he had to be. He had started this organization, and would see that
it would get the best-trained soldiers possible.
He kept to himself most of the time, but sometimes talked to a few of his trusted friends. He had
always been a solitary being, and it showed. He snapped at people sometimes for no reason and always
seemed to be in a bad mood.
He looked exactly like a Centaur of ancient Earth legend. Some people from Earth had often asked
him if his kind had visited their planet before. When asked this, he would look at them with his big, black
eyes and talk to them in a calm but firm voice saying that he didn't know anything about it and if they really
wanted to find out they should ask the officials of his race.
He led what was called the "Big Risk," which was an attack on the main planet of the Dictatorship,
which was called Luarian IV, and destroyed it enough to cause a stalemate between the two empires,
causing the Truce of 2150. The Dictatorship had been winning the war at the time. This made General Dawn
a Hero in the eyes of the people and in the eyes of the government.
Before that, he had led a rather normal life. He had gone through school, graduated with high
honors, went into the military, and had fought as a normal soldier for a few years. He had fought at the great
battle at Centarius, the planet that sat in the center of the galaxy, and the home of the oldest race in the
universe. The race had long since died out or moved out, and hardly anything was known about them. They
had left valuable technology behind, though, and the purpose of the battle had been to get hold of that
technology. Each wanted the technology so much that it dropped all other operations to get a hold of it. In
the end, this caused mass chaos. For a time Cenrarius was called "The Center," as it was the center of the
galaxy, the center of the war, and the center of everyone's attention. The resulting battle was not anything
near normal. There were so many casualties on both sides that it was said that a man couldn't find any
ground to walk on, and his shoes would end up soaked with the blood of enemies and comrades alike if he
tried. The Coreen Empire had won that battle, but the Therian Empire had been winning the war at the time.
It was another turning point in a war that never seemed to end. The result of the defeat at Centarius caused
one of the biggest depressions the Therian Empire had ever seen.
General Dawn remembered how he saved fifty of his fellow soldiers in that battle. They had been
trapped behind enemy lines at the time, and had been that way for several days. He had been arguing with his
commander about whether they should escape or not, but only after a half-hour of worrying whether it was
the right thing to do. If his commander was right and he caused everyone to go against him then he could be
facing charges of treason. The last thing General Dawn wanted was to be humiliated for trying to do the
right thing.
"We should stay here for now until our comrades come to save us," his commander had told his
soldiers. The General was a man of experience, but sometimes he wasn't very bright. He had been appointed
to his current position because of his time in the field. Nobody had said anything against it. They had all
thought his experience would see them through. Now a few of them were wondering if someone else should
have been appointed General, and whispers had started around the camp, saying that if someone didn't either
change the generals mind, or overthrew him, that they would surely die. Help was not likely to come. They
had no way of getting a message to their allies without the message being overheard, and their allies
probably thought they were dead by now.
"We don't know if they will come for us or not, there have been no coded messages sent, and they
probably think we are dead. We need to try and break through enemy lines now before they find us." At this
time, General Dawn had been a normal soldier. He wouldn't normally argue with a superior officer, but the
situation called for critical thinking, something that his commander was not very good at and Dawn was well
known for, especially under this much pressure.
In the end, everyone had voted Dawn as the new commander and everyone had snuck through
enemy lines in the middle of the night. General Dawn was awarded handsomely with a promotion to High
General of that part of the army and his former superior officer was court-martialed for his inability to
command. At that time, the Therian Empire had been running out of good generals and many people were
applying for the jobs. Nonetheless, the court martial was quick and sure. This caused General Dawns
worries of being charged with treason to go away.
General Dawn would find little rest, however. For two weeks General Dawn could not find any rest
from thank-you letters and speeches from the soldiers he had saved and his superiors. After a while his eyes
got bloodshot as a result of staying up too much and he started looking extremely tired. Some people said he
looked like a ghost at that time. Some rumors say that it drove him so insane at one point that he had to
sneak away under cover of darkness to a place where they would not find him until he returned a week later.
Two years later he led an attack on the Coreen home planet, without government permission, and caused a
stalemate between the two empires.
At the time, The Coreen Empire had been winning the war, having turned the tides earlier at the
battle of Centarius. General Dawn had been at the border between the Therian Empire and the Coreen
Empire. He had noticed that the Coreen capitol was unprotected. Seeing a possible opportunity that could
not be passed, e had notified his superiors, but they had said to stay put because it seems too much like a
trap. At first General Dawn was inclined to agree, but he had passed through enemy lines with no problem.
Sneaking through them had been surprisingly easy. They might not think anyone is capable of attacking their
planet, General Dawn thought. After contemplating for about ten minutes more, General Dawn had gone
after the planet. Because most of the Coreen leadership is spread out, however, this move did not lead to a
victory, only a stalemate.
Of all the people that General Dawn saw as a good leader for the militia, four stood out the most.
One of those people was Jason Walker. Jason Walker was a graduate of West Point Military School on
Earth, which was regarded as one of the top military schools on Earth and one of the top 10 schools in the
Empire. He had attended the school for five years. He is a martial arts world champion on Earth, being a
master in Kung-fu and Jujitsu. He had a 3.7 G.P.A. average in school, and had recently acquired some very
impressive leadership skills, though some of his social skills are not noted to be the best on more personal
matters. That should change when he gets pressure from the rest of the crew. He seemed to have trouble
communicating with people, and he had trouble expressing what he was feeling. The people that do know
him say that he is an honest and honorable man. All of this gave General Dawn a very good impression of
Jason Walker, and as a result General Dawn found himself watching Jason's activities more often than he
watched most of the others.
His problems with communication were understandable. Jason had not had a normal childhood,
though it wasn't the most abnormal childhood General Dawn had ever heard of either.
When Jason was just starting school, he realized that he was smaller than the other kids, but he
didn't realize that he looked much better than most of the other kids. In modern day society, good looks was
a sign of someone who took good care of themselves and resulted in popularity and respect, even in kids. As
a result of this, Jason found himself the center of attention. It seemed to Jason (and when some other people
looked back on the situation it seemed this way to them, too,) that he was being picked on, being so
crowded that he didn't have room to breath, or he just simply could not find any time to himself in school. At
first it was mostly the girls who teased him, and he didn't respond to them very well. They would approach
him with very mischievous looks on their faces, much like all children do when they are causing mischief.
Though this was the friendly sort of mischief, Jason saw those faces and thought trouble would surely come
of it, and he tried avoiding the girls or ignoring them altogether.
Soon after that, the boys in school noticed that he could crack good jokes often, and started teasing
him warm-heartedly. The boys would say something to him completely out of the blue and for no apparent
reason to Jason. Jason took it the wrong way and didn't respond to this very well, though. He started
reacting violently to the teasing and thus was not well liked the rest of the school year, and a few years after
as well. This was probably the result of not having any previous contact with anyone other than his parents,
and he rarely even saw them. He had been a lonely child with no friends, and his parents hardly ever spent
any time with him. One particular time Jason walked up to his father and asked his father if he could teach
him how to pitch a baseball. His father continued doing whatever it was that he was doing, and told Jason in
a harsh and sincere voice that he had more important things to do, and abruptly left. Jason later learned that
the more important thing to do was have lunch. The rest of that day Jason had stayed in his room, softly
crying and wondering why his parents never spent any time with him.
In high school, however, Jason entered the world martial arts tournament, where people from all
around the world sparred in a tournament to determine who was the best martial artist. He had always loved
martial arts. He had started at the age of five, taking several Chi-kung classes. After a while he wanted to
take other martial arts. He finally went on to study Jujitsu while still studying Chi-kung. He then took
Shaolin Kung-fu, while still studying Chi-kung, for ten years. He was considered a genuine master, at least in
terms of power and technique, of three arts now. He was not considered a master by some of the other
masters because his morals were in question. It was discovered that he had gotten into several fights while in
school, commonplace for regular people but not for a martial arts master. It is said that he had good reason
for fighting in school, though, which has put his mastery title in question. In the eyes of the martial artist of
that day, morals, code of honor and conduct were just as important as knowledge, technique and power.
He loved Martial Arts so much that one day, with only a little coaxing from his master, Jason
meekly went to Shaolin to study Kung fu under the greatest master of all time. When he approached the
temple he almost turned away from it. His feelings for Martial Arts running so deep that he was humbled by
the feeling he was getting from the temple. After some more coaxing from his master, he approached the
temple and was greeted by a seemingly middle-aged man. The man was kind-hearted but stern on his
students. Soon after, Jason dedicated seven years of his life to studying Martial Arts at the school. When he
wasn't at school, he would train in a small part in the temple, sometimes by himself, and sometimes with his
master.
Jason had not wanted anyone knowing he was in the tournament because he hated the attention that
it would bring. Somehow the news got out anyway, as news always did in school. When people watched him
they cheered when it seemed he was winning, fell silent in anticipation where it was appropriate, and showed
their feelings of sadness when he finally lost. When he got back he was the center of attention. That time he
responded to it better, and the rest of his school years went by smoothly.
After graduating high school, Jason went to West Point to further his martial arts training. He had
won the tournament that year and was declared a master, but felt that he could go further in his training. He
had heard that Martial arts were a necessary part of the military and that you had to be good to survive the
worst of it. Going with him was Michael Flare, who was and a good friend from school and soon after
became Jason's Martial Arts student.
Jason was about five foot nine, and looked quite strong. He had black hair and bright blue eyes. He
was not as muscular as he should be for someone who was so strong. This often caught people off guard
when he sparred them. People often told him that he was oddly introverted, and doesn't hang around people
much and talked too little. Jason knew this to be true. He would not talk even if he wanted to sometimes,
though when he got into the military that had changed somewhat.
He was still slightly introverted, but lately people started seeing more of his personality. He was
cheerful when he was around people now, and joked around occasionally. He was often breaking up fights
and helping people with various things. He found that he was good at problem solving, especially when it
involved problems between two people. This was due to some psychology he learned in school.
Still, he was often found alone, and had few real friends because all the people he talked to
eventually moved away on another assignment, or sometimes he would be moved somewhere else. That was
military life, though, and he dealt with it.
Keep in mind this is only part of my first chapter, as the whole thing is about twice what you see.
I appreciate any kind of critical analysis you can give me on this first part of my novel.
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"If we are going to train, then we might as well have fun while doing so."
Bigger and better. Just finished (Yet never finished.)
J Qi/PSI World
Traveller in the arts
Posts: 28
(6/16/02 1:41 am) Reply
Re: First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions
Hi Jay, I'm Lizzie. I read a lot of science fiction so I expected this to be a fun read.
Are you writing for juveniles? I am trying to be careful here as I could not come close to writing what you have. I am a voracious reader and not a writer at all.
I could not read it. I lost interest at this paragraph: "Later that week Lisa had decided to drop Mike and go out with the biker that had tried to attack Mike. For the next week, Mike went into a state of depression, and nobody could snap him out of it until a lady named Jennifer asked him out at the end of the week. Mike had always been the ladies favorite."
You haven't grabbed me and I don't have much sympathy for Mike or the situation. Many of your sentences ramble on and on. This read more like a report of events than a story. Jay, I think you have a good idea and lots to say but, you need to start again. The first sentence/paragraph of a novel or story should grab the reader's attention - they read on in spite of themselves. You need to make your protagonists more sympathetic - I needed to relate to them somehow.
Have you read "Dune"? Of course you have.. "In the past week before their departure to Arrakis, when all the final scurrying about had reached a nearly unbearable frenzy, an old crone came to visit the mother of the boy, Paul." I wanted to know why they were leaving, why there was a mysterious visitor and who Paul was. It is not fair to compare you with Herbert, I know!
Keep working at it. Recently I took up photography. I thought that my first shots were pretty good. Weeks later and hundreds of tries later..the difference is really noticeable. My first tries were amateurish at best. I won't give up and hope you won't either. I would not discourage you for the world, Jay. You have a talent that just needs development. in my opinion. Remember I am only one reader - lots of first novels that have proved to be huge best sellers were rejected by someone who thought they knew what they were talking about, tell me to f/o in your head and keep at it!
jay508x01 Traveller in the arts
Posts: 6
(6/16/02 1:45 pm) Reply
Re: First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions
Yeah, I never was very good at "setting the mood." or "putting feeling into a story."
Guess I didn't do too well, oh well, it had to be said. Thanks.
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Jworld a place to discuss health, Qigong, Psionics, Astral Projection, eastern philosophy, and martial arts. J Anime Worlddiscuss anime, write fan fiction, and discuss games in a friendly enviornment.
J Authors Worlda place for writers to discuss writing, publishing, and to get criticall feedback on thier work. Also a place for people in the movie business trying to write a script.
"If we are going to train, then we might as well have fun while doing so."
Bigger and better. Just finished (Yet never finished.)
J Qi/PSI World
Traveller in the arts
Posts: 30
(6/16/02 2:12 pm) Reply
Re: First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions
DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP! Look it is not easy to tell someone that they need to start over...but please know I wasn't trying to hurt you but to help you. You have an idea. You have a story. Keep working at it until you get it right. If you give up then you are a failure.
If you want critique then you have to be willing to hear negative as well as positive..I bet that you are the best amonst your friends in the writing deptartment.
The whole thing about writing is to never ever stop or give up. Do it and then do it again - then again.
Good luck, Jay.
jay508x01 Traveller in the arts
Posts: 7
(6/17/02 8:49 am) Reply
Re: First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions
Noooo, I didn't say anything about giving up, but I am giving up on this chapter (at least in this form)
I guess what I am saying is I am going to do it again, but better this time, with more feeling.
I have worked on this novel of mine for two years, and I am not going to give up. (Although I have to admit I thought about it a little.) But like you said, if I DO give up, I am a true failure.
As for telling me I need to start over, Do not feel bad. It was actually what I was waiting to hear. You see, other people have told me the same thing, but I just needed a few more people to tell me to actually start over my two-year project.
There are three parts in the book that people have said they liked a lot. I will post the one that I think is the best next. This is to make up for this chapter.
Once again, thanks.
Oh, and don't feel bad about what you told me. It HAD to be said.
Message Boards:
Jworld a place to discuss health, Qigong, Psionics, Astral Projection, eastern philosophy, and martial arts. J Anime Worlddiscuss anime, write fan fiction, and discuss games in a friendly enviornment.
J Authors Worlda place for writers to discuss writing, publishing, and to get criticall feedback on thier work. Also a place for people in the movie business trying to write a script.
"If we are going to train, then we might as well have fun while doing so."
Bigger and better. Just finished (Yet never finished.)
J Qi/PSI World
PW Earsman Traveller in the arts
Posts: 45
(6/18/02 1:13 pm) Reply
Re: First Chapter (looking for Overall and critical opinions
Hello Jay,
I agree with Lizzie.
'Starting over' doesn't necessarily mean that you ditch what you have written. It just means you should rethink the way you have written it.
To my ear, its main fault is that it is slightly "over-written."
This is the most common fault in all new writers' work.
To give you an example, I'll write the first paragraph or two the way I might approach it. Now before I go any further, this is just MY take on it. My version is not necessarily the ideal solution, but I've attempted to pare it down so that the story shines through a little more clearly.
"Jason Walker watched worriedly as one of his old friends sparred against a big Samoan. Though his
friend was seven feet tall and looked quite powerful, he had always been a "gentle giant," as most of the
ladies called him. The Samoan was a seasoned warrior, and would tear apart someone like Jason's friend,
Mike."
Jason Walker was worried. Mike, one of Jason's oldest friends was fighting a big Samoan and although Mike was over seven feet tall and powerfully built, the Samoan was a seasoned warrior who was quite capable of tearing him apart.
" Jason remembered how Mike would run away from a fight throughout his school years, if given the
chance. The incident Jason remembered the most was the time that Mike had been dating a girl named Lisa
in his eighth year of schooling. Lisa was a beautiful girl with a cute smile and all around good attitude, but
she hanged around a gang of bikers who got jealous of Mike because he asked Lisa on a date before one of
the bikers had a chance to."
Mike always avoided fighting during his school years.
In the eighth grade he had been dating a girl called Lisa who was very pretty and with a pleasant personality, but she liked to hang around with a group of bikers. Mike had asked Lisa for a date and this had made one of the bikers jealous as he had been about to ask Lisa for a date himself.
Well Jay, I'm sure you can see that I haven't offered the perfect solution, but I hope you can also see that 'less' is sometimes 'more.'
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