BAH I: Special Edition!
Fanfic.net is being sithy right now
DISCLAIMER: Uncle George owns it all. Thanks for letting us play with your galaxy George!
SUMMARY: Between a teenage male author, Anakin and Aayla being a couple, and Obi-Wan at wits end, this story will hopefully amuse!
WARNINGS: This story is completely crazy, destroys half the continuity of the Saga, and has some sex, etc.
PAIRINGS: Anakin/Obi-Wan and Anakin/Aayla.
GENRE: Humor, pervertedness, and some romance.
[______]= Author’s interruption.
AND NOW FOR A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR! This is a rewrite and revision of the first version of Being Around Her. I am doing this because there were several problems with the story, some grammar issues (still going to be some of those) and I just generally was not satisfied. There probably will be only minor changes at first, but then their should be more changes on some of the crappier chapters.
Being Around Her I: Special Edition
By OBI, with great help from Sithy Boobu Head, and the members of the HSWCP!
“Hey Master, I’m home,” said a fifteen year old Anikan Skywalker. When Ani thought about it (not that he did too very much of this), he was really ‘home’ anywhere in the temple. Somehow, though, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ani’s quarters just felt a little more like a home than the rest of the temple. After all, the rest of the temple doesn’t have holos of Ani & Obi-Wan all over the place, or have the privacy of their quarters.
“Where have you been, Ani?” Obi-Wan said sternly.
“Oh, you know, just getting laid down in the lower levels master, nothing to exciting.”
Obi-Wan looked at his padawan sternly and just shook his head. “What have I told you about surfing those No-Jedi under 17 holo-net sites? I thought I had the master controls on Galactic On-Line blocking that stuff now. Why do I get the feeling you are going to be the death of my clean mind?”
“You should have known I could get past the GOL blocks master, after all I am a LOT better then you technically. Plus, GOL SUCKS!”
“That you are padawan. If you practiced your lightsaber technique as much as you did your GOL block breaking, you would rival Master Yoda.”
“Aww master, thanks for the compliment!”
“It was NOT a compliment, you doofus of a padawan. Did I just say that out loud?”
Anikan began speaking in the whiney tone that he was known around the temple, and in some cases the galaxy, for. “Master, you hurt my feelings.”
“Get over it.”
“Well then master, in that case, OK. I’m over it!”
“Well, now that terribly interesting conversation is over, come eat. After all, nerf steak doesn’t stay warm all night. And I got that special J1 sauce you like. Amazing how many things are named after Jedi, eh?”
“Yeah. Whatever master. Now let me go get my steak, getting laid takes lots of energy you know.”
“Ani, I thought I told you to drop it. As your father figure, I would really rather not hear about it. After all, I would like a semi-clean mind when I die.”
“With me around!?! You have got to be kidding master! After all, I am fifteen; I’m supposed to have a dirty mind. I can’t wait to see Aayla again. Boy, is she one sexy Twi’lek or what?”
“Why me!?!” Obi-Wan wailed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day, Obi-Wan woke up bright and early. He left his room and looked in Ani’s room. Not at all to his surprise, Ani was not there. Obi-Wan then called Ani’s comlink. Also not to his surprise, he got Ani’s holomail box.
“Hi, this is Anikan, I am currently unable to answer my comlink, please leave a message and I may get back to you--if I ever check my messages.”
Obi-Wan just sighed. “I hope he isn’t spying on Aayla again,” Obi-Wan muttered. Anikan had a bad habit of following Aayla Secura around. “She may be one sexy beast,” Obi-wan murmured, “but Anikan is a bit young for her.”
“GOTCHA!” Anikan shouted as he came out of the closet [Not THAT closet, the one they keep their Jedi robes in!], brandishing a hi-tech holocam. “Just wait till Aayla sees this movie. I bet she will just love it. And what took you so long to admit that she is sexy?”
“Come here you!” Obi-Wan said tersely. “Give me the camera NOW.”
Anakin surprisingly gave Obi-Wan the camera without any fuss. That was WAY too easy, Obi-Wan thought to himself. Just then, Anikan ran out of their quarters. Obi-Wan looked down at the camera and saw the blinking ‘No disc’ signal on the holoscreen.
“Dammit!” Obi-Wan said, as he started running after Ani. He grimaced at the stares the other Jedi where giving him as he dashed past. Obi-Wan hated the way Anakin managed to kill his dignity in front of the other masters on a regular basis. Just as Obi went past the turbo-lift lobby, Ani stepped out of the shadows behind Obi and called to him.
“Looking for me master?”
Chagrined, Obi turned around. “I seriously hope you were not planning on giving that disc to Aayla, my very evil padawan!”
“I won’t give it to her on one condition master.”
Obi-wan stared at his padawan, mortified by the possibilities of what Ani could want. On the one hand, he could be the laughing stock of the whole temple (he could just imagine that Yoda troll laughing down beside his knees as he walked by the swamp room), and on the other, there was no telling what Ani wanted, and it could possibly be much worse then being the laughing stock of the temple. “Why do I get the feeling that you are going to make me the laughing stock of the temple?”
“Hmmm, I dunno master, maybe you outta see the temple shrink. It sounds like you have some serious fear/embarrassment issues to me. Now I have to put in a disclaimer about my previous statement, according to Galactic Code 4.21.05-4.24.05 [Brownie points to the first person to review with the significance of those numbers!]. No representation is made that the quality of psychiatric services performed is greater then the quality of psychiatric services to be performed by other psychiatrists. Boy I hate those disclaimers!” Ani said with a smile in his voice. “Anyways, back to what I want from you. All I ask is that you let me do the Sexy Ani dance in our quarters.” Ani started singing.
“I’m, too sexy for my robes,
I’m, too sexy for my tunic,
I’m, too sexy for my-.”
“Enough!” Obi-Wan said, exasperated. Yes, I guess I will let you do it, but ONLY when no one else is in our quarters.” This padawan is going to be my last Obi-Wan declared to himself. I would hate to think of how much more of a monster his son would be. But then again, he better NEVER have a son!
To Be Continued…
Please review CONSTRUCTIVELY, not just bashing
Chapter 2
The next morning, quite predictably, Ani was doing his “sexy Ani” dance all through Obi-Wan and Ani’s quarters. Obi just hung his head as he watched Ani dance through the room in his Padme boxers.
“I’m, too sexy for my robes,
I’m, too sexy for my tunic,
I’m too sexy for my boxers-“
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Obi shouted. “Since you MUST do your sexy Ani dance, you can at least have the decency to keep you boxers on!”
“Master, you are SUCH a spoil-sport. After all, I’m just trying to have a little fun!”
“That’s what masters are for,” Obi-Wan groaned.
“Or at least you seem to think so master!” Anakin started singing off-key again.
“I’m, too sexy for my saber,
Too sexy for my boots,
Just so very sexy it hurts!
Oh how I love that song, to bad I can’t go over to Padme’s apartment and sing it,” Ani said with a gleam in his eye.
“You mean to tell me after almost six years, you still think about her?”
“Master, stupid question. Of course I think about her, after all, did I not say in The Phantom Menace novelization that I was going to marry her? I still can’t believe George cut that line from the movie!”
“Did I miss something again Anakin? What is this talk of novelizations and George?”
“Whoops! Must have been one of those alternate galaxy Force visions I had a few years ago! Anyways-“
“What madness are you talking about padawan? Oh well, never mind. I don’t think I want to know. Anyway, the Council has requested our presence this morning; we need to be there promptly at 0800. So go to the refresher and get refreshed so you don’t stink!”
“Aww!”
“Might I remind you, Aayla is on the council.”
“Going!” Ani shouted as he hurried off.
“Why me!” Obi asked himself for the 3,113,869th time since he had become Anakin’s master.
A few hours later, Ani and Obi were riding up the turbolift in the main spire of the Jedi Temple, towards the Jedi Council room.
“I really hope my breath is alright,” Anakin muttered.
“Any particular reason?”
“Oh, master, you can be such an airhead sometimes. Are you sure you are not a natural blonde?”
“Of course I am not a natural blonde! Well, not too much of a blonde that is.”
“Anyway, the reason I hope my breath is nice and fresh !Use Orbit gum! is that you never know when Aayla may want to make out with me!”
Obi-Wan was simply speechless. Before he could even close his gaping mouth from the astonishment, the turbolift glided to a halt and the door slid open. They went into the council room right away, and right on time I might add. The council immediately got down to business as usual.
“An important mission for you, we have,” Yoda the Troll said. “Does not require you to leave the planet, this mission does. To the Coruscant Market you will go with Aayla. Out of my Gruel, the food services department is. Very important mission this is. If you fail, grave consequences there are. Very important to me my Gruel is. Reminds me of my home planet it does. Die without it I will! Go back to your quarters, and take your datapads. Send to them the list of ingredients for Yoda’s Gruel, I will.”
Aayla, Obi, and Ani then left the Jedi Council room to head back to Obi and Ani’s quarters. Once there, they picked up their datapads. They almost puked when they read the list. The list included things such as space slug filets, green slimy fungus, molded vegetables, fresh mud, tauntaun intestines, rancor claws, mynock tongue, and Wookiee snot.
“EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” Ani said. “I knew there was some reason I never sat close to that Yoda Troll in the cafeteria!”
“AGREED!” Aayla and Obi replied in unison.
Anakin stopped looking at the list, and even though he was extremely green, he turned to look at Aayla, a dirty little smile spreading across his evil little face.
“I wish the force had x-ray vision like that Clark Kenty dude on Jedi Brothers channel,” Ani thought to himself.
So anyway, back to Aayla. Ani dreamed !Or more likely fantasized! of being in a tub of Jedi Jello with Aayla someday.
“So, Aayla, wanna go out with me tonight?” Anakin said.
“Umm, aren’t you a bit young for a thirty something Jedi?” Aayla asked.
“I am mature beyond my age!” Ani replied with pride.
“Well then, in that case, no, I will not go out with you.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Ani wailed. “I feel like I have just been dumped straight into boiling lava!”
“Sorry kid,” Aayla said.
“I will date you one of these days!” Ani wailed.
“Well, now that your pathetic attempt of using a pickup line is over,” Obi said, “should we not be going to the Coruscant Market? After all, Yoda gets really mad when he doesn’t have his Gruel.”
They left their quarters, to go down to the speeder garage.
“I’m driving, I’m driving, I’m driving!” Anakin said as they went into the speeder garage. “I mean I’m piloting, I’m piloting!”
“I guess you can Anakin. But NO going over the velocity limit!” Obi-Wan said sternly.
“Geeze master, when are you going to loosen up some? We’re Jedi, the traffic droids don’t stop registered Jedi vehicles. And besides, Yoda wants us to get back with the gruel soon ya know.”
“Hey Obi-Wan, you really outta take the padawan’s advice,” Aayla said. “You really sound like you have some rule-breaking problems. As in, you hardly ever break any rules. Didn’t you learn from Qui-Gon? Oh yeah. Now I have to put in a disclaimer about my previous statement, according to Galactic Code 4.21.05-4.24.05. No representation is made that the quality of psychiatric services performed is greater then the quality of psychiatric services to be performed by other psychiatrists. Boy I hate those legal disclaimers.”
“Why do you two have to antagonize me? Anakin, did you tell Aayla about using that legal disclaimer on me yesterday?”
“Nope master, but you know they say great minds think alike after all!”
“I agree with your padawan, Obi.”
“ARRGGGHHHH!” Obi-Wan shouted.
“You really need to get some anti-stress medicine master.”
“Well, with you around, of course I do. How could I not need anti-stress medicine with a Bozo for a padawan?”
“Hey, I thought I told you NEVER to mention my middle name?” Anakin said frustrated
“Can we just get in the speeder already?” Aayla asked. “We’ve been standing here for 5 minutes arguing.”
“Sure,” Obi and Anakin said at once.
They hopped in the speeder, Anakin and Obi in front, and Aayla in the back seat. Of course the speeder, picked out by Anakin, was a very weird yellow color (gonzo, as Anakin called it), and open cockpit. Anakin then proceeded to back the speeder up and out of its slot at 60 kilometer per hour. Obi-Wan almost puked.
“I thought I told you to pilot it responsibly my very young padawan!”
“All you told me was no going over the velocity limit, and last time I checked, the Jedi garage doesn’t have a velocity limit,” Anakin said with an evil smirk.
“Well, now I am telling you to pilot the speeder responsibly!” Obi-Wan said tiredly.
“Must I?”
“Yes, you must pilot it responsibly.”
“Sithspawn!”
Anakin piloted responsibly (almost), and only caused Obi-Wan to almost puke three times. They arrived at the Coruscant Market about thirty minutes later….
A very green Obi-Wan got out of the speeder and stumbled around as soon as they landed. “I get the feeling that I will regret this one day, but I will tell you anyways, my very reckless padawan. I don’t care how fast you have to get somewhere, DON’T GO SO FAST! Geeze I hate the feeling that one of these days I am going to have to ask you what took you so long!”
“You really need to get used to my piloting master. I mean, after all, that was extremely tame! Remember, I used to be a pod racer!”
“Why me!” Obi-Wan wailed.
“Uh, because you promised Qui-Gon, master.”
“Oh. Yeah. That. I knew there was some good reason. Well, you better be glad for that!”
“Can we just go get the ingredients for Yoda’s Gruel?” Aayla asked, exasperated by Obi-Wan and Anakin’s constant bickering.
“Should we split up to save time?” Obi-Wan asked.
“I’m going with Aayla!” Anakin said right away.
“Sure kid,” Aayla said. “And maybe it will help your master calm down as well!”
“THANK YOU!” Obi-Wan replied, almost hugging Aayla with relief. “So how are we going to divide up the list?”
“We’ll take the space slug filets, tauntaun intestines, mynock tongue, and wookkie snot. You can get the green slimy fungus, molded vegetables, fresh mud, and rancor claws.”
“Wow. These Yoda’s Gruel ingredients are looking worse and worse every time I look at them,” Obi-Wan said disgustedly.
“Agreed!” Anakin and Aayla said in unison.
They then went their separate ways, Aayla and Ani to the Weird Meats Section, and Obi-Wan to the Weird Food Period Section. What amazed all three Jedi was that there were such sections in the market. Obi-Wan gathered his items uneventfully, except for the fact that he almost puked multiple times. Aayla and Anakin, on the other hand…
“So what’s first on the list?” Ani asked.
“First on the list is space slug filets,” Aayla said, resigned to the task at hand. “Space Meat Section.”
“Sounds like you know your way around this place, hmm?”
“Yes, unfortunately, Yoda has had me come on this mission before.”
“How horrible!” Anakin said with genuine pity in his voice. “I haven’t even seen any of the items yet and already I am disgusted. Shall we get this over with?”
“Yes, that would be a good idea,” Aayla replied. “And here are the space slug filets. Make sure you only touch the stuff that has been wrapped. That Yoda has a strange body that agrees with stuff that could kill a human or Twi-lek.”
“Yikes!” Anakin then looked up towards the row across from them, and saw a familiar face. “Jar Jar?!?”
The Gungan then looked up at Anakin. “Ani? Lil Ani? Mesa so smilen to seein yousa!”
“Aayla Secura, meet Jar Jar Binks,” Anakin responded. “I can’t believe it is you Jar Jar!”
“Mesa can’t beliven it either lil Ani. Whatsa aresa yousa doin in thisa section of the market?”
“Remember Yoda? Well, he was completely out of Yoda’s Gruel ingredients. I hear it is quite a legendary recipe in his species…whatever he, Yaddle, and all the other little green frog people are. (Personally Anakin thought he was a troll). I will have to ask George about it next time I am having a Force Vision.”
“Yousa are getting ingredients for Yoda’s Gruel? Thatsa one of mesa favorite dishes!”
“Oh boy,” Anakin said disgustedly. “You like that stuff too?”
“Wellsa, twas good seein yousa again Ani, but now I must get the rest of my frogs and allsa. Big Gungan state dinner at the embassy ya know.”
“Good to see you again Jar Jar.”
Jar Jar then left, and Aayla and Ani went to find tauntaun intestines.
“That Jar Jar seems to be quite a character,” Aayla asserted.
“Yes, that he is, and he is even clumsier then that dude Steve Furkel on the show Jedi Matters.”
“You like that show too?” Aayla asked excitedly.
“Almost as much as Home Destroyment.”
“Ah, another good holoseries,” Aayla declared with a smile on her face, thinking of the antics of Fim and Fal, who had their own holo show, in the holo show itself. Of course, Fal was the smart one, and Fim was the one that almost killed himself with tools in each episode.
“Hey, babe, looks like we have something else in common!” Anakin said excitedly.
“Oh brother!”
“I am not your brother!” Anakin shot back. “Do you think I would hit on my sister, much less want to Jedi-kiss her? I especially wouldn’t want to is you were my twin sister. That’s just gross.”
“Whateva kid, but I told ya, I am too old for you. You might as well stop trying”
“Neeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaa!”
“Suit yourself.”
“No, if I were to do that, we would already be kissing”
“In that case, don’t suit yourself. Let’s just get the rest of the ingredients and be on our way.”
“I agree with being on our way,” Ani affirmed, “but I don’t like not suiting myself!”
“Live with it!”
Aayla and Ani then proceeded to gather the rest of the items, pay for them, and meet Obi-Wan back at the speeder. Once they arrived, Obi-Wan was dozing in the front seat.
“Shhhh! I want to wake him when I take off, not before though!” Ani whispered conspiratorially.
“Sure!”
Ani quietly got in, started the engines, and then shoved the throttle all the way forward, sending them flying through the air towards a huge ship.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Obi-Wan shouted in fear, having woken up just as soon as Anakin punched the accelerator. Obi-Wan wished he had stayed asleep.
“Oh, I forgot you don’t like flying master,” Ani said serenely calm. Just then, Ani pulled up, missing the huge ship with less then a meter to spare.
“I don’t mind flying, but what you are doing is suicide!” Obi-Wan wailed.
They managed to get back to the temple without Obi-Wan puking or peeing in his pants, but that may have had more to do with the fact that Aayla used the Force to put him into a deep sleep…
To Be Continued…
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